Tan-o-Rama

Alone in the looming florescent lighting of the one of five consecutive cosmetic aisles at Super Target I came face to face with the product entitled “tan legs”. Tan Legs promises you just that, legs that will rival the suntans of any good tanorexic and make your legs- not your body, but just your legs- become sun kissed. Um, what about your face people? Why just your legs? I would even understand if along side the leg bottle was an arm bottle, a stomach bottle etc. right, cause then it would be this money making ploy to entice people into thinking that each individual body part requires a different spray on tanning device. But no, this was just legs and weird enough, beside it where arm tan should be was another brand of leg tan. Wouldn’t that just look weird? I would defiantly think the girl who’s skin was white as snow and legs as brown as a Californian was a freak.

What if you put it on your face, I wondered? How can a tan be only applicable to your legs?

Anyways, being naturally curious and profoundly bored as my mom shopped the aisle ahead for baby soap, I tried it. Just a light spray right on my right knee. Thinking, what if this shit actually works, I immediately, like, IMMEDIATELY scraped it off with the Target price tag that I ripped off the display – Sorry Target but desperate times call for desperate measure.

This morning I awoke and went about my usual morning routine, got dressed and headed down to meet my sister at the pool. As I stripped down to my brown bikini she let out a loud gasp and began pointing. I froze thinking my butt, my boob or my Netherlands were hanging on out. I imagined a small gecko or beetle on my body that made her point but instead she motioned to my knee.

There in the spot where I had stupidly sprayed that leg tan was the largest and orangest circle..

This thing was hideous, just hideous and since the package promises 7 days of tan legs I have 6 more to go before I can hope to get rid of it.

Point: Don’t buy this crap.

Point 2: who makes these tanning products? I have legitimately bought tan cream before (the one for ALL OVER your body) after it was announced that fake and baking is like sipping arsenic, and it, like this leg tan makes you orange. I have had a real tan, it is not orange. I have seen others with a real tan, they are not orange and yet all these tan in a cans make you orange. I don’t want to look like a oomahloompah, I just want to help myself look less like a translucent ghost freak and more like a healthy person who didn’t spend her summers in sweatshops downtown and has not seen the sun for over a year. Perhaps you tan makers want to work on that.