Do you own a Hummer?

If you have answered yes to the above question, Fuck you.

Seriously, who are you kidding? We all know your little secret oh Hummer driver. And do trust that a big bad car is by no means adequate compensation for anything.

Last night in the matter of a 20 minute drive I saw not one, not two, not three, but four Hummers on the road. One was even a Hummer limo (and thats a double Fuck you to limo Hummer). I ask this with all due respect to my fellow Hummer driving man (I'm saying it sarcastically mind you...) but WHY?

I know this may be a shock to you people who literally have to hop up to get to the step that gets you into your monster all-terrain vehicle but you are not the military. You are civilians. The sooner we can put that issue to rest, the better I will personally feel about the levels of douchbaggery on the road.

And you are not even driving these Hummers in a 4-season place. There isn't even any snow here (although to be honest even if there was snow you would be no less of an asshole but would have an excuse to hide behind). You have absolutely no justification for parading around in your big dumb car other than that you just like it. This would be indication number 1 that you are a moron.

Number 2 would have to be that you think that your personal actions in this world are above everyone else's who you peer down upon from your elevated stance as made possible by your heinous elevated car. I'm not sure if you were made aware by the millions of ad campaigns, the general trend of conversation or the new popular "green" movement but your unnecessary eyesore is mega bad for the environment. In fact I am of the belief that long after this world is over the only remnants of a time that once was will be cockroaches and Hummers. The new race of man to inhabit and repopulate earth will think we were dirty gas guzzling assholes. You are giving mankind a bad name. So enjoy your flashy set of wheels while you can and in the meantime just pull down the visor and ignore your personal carbon footprint which has grown as big as your car itself.

Number 3. Are you a great driver? Is this your way of letting everyone know? Like a statement piece? I can tell you that you can prove your driving skills in a far less ridiculous car. I say this because driving and especially parking beside you is the absolute worst for us civilians who drive real people cars. My personal favorite is when Hummers park illegally. A true double whammy as they succeed in actually blocking whole driveways while looking stupid.

You should have your own personal parking lots... in quicksand.

Number 4. Have you even seen someone get out of a Hummer? It is a laugh out loud kind of scene. Since you are raised so high off the ground you literally have to jump on out. Nothing says manliness like a cowboy hat wearing muscle head making that dainty hop skip and a jump out of his car. Seriously, I swoon just thinking about it. Loser.

Number 5- this one's for the boys. As I already mentioned, you are not hiding anything. When a man tries to overcompensate with a big belt buckle or a big car you know for sure, without a doubt that he has, shall we say, inadequacies elsewhere. Don't worry men, some girls don't mind that kind of thing and if they do mind, you car doesn't quite make up for it. One ride does not offset another. Right?

Number 6- for the ladies. Girls, I am sorry that your husband cheats on you with his hot young secretary. I am sorry that he is going through a midlife crisis and driving you to the point of insanity. I am sorry that you are going through your own kind of crisis and need a new car to go with you new boobs and lips. I am sorry that you think that a car will exude an air of powerfulness to your male counterparts. I truly am sorry for whatever you are going through but maybe try a shrink instead, or botox. Both are cheaper and far less offensive and like men, you are not fooling anyone. I know what's wrong with each and every one of you right when I see you driving along in your waste of space mobile.

Point: Hummer drivers, Fuck you. Fuck all of you. You are what is wrong with humanity. If you want to drive a big stupid car, join the army. Otherwise please relinquish your Hummers for the sake of a better tomorrow (not just environmentally)

You are not fooling anyone.