Dear Sid,
You may wonder how I even know your name to begin with. Well Sid, the reason is because you and your wife are the loudest and most obnoxious people ever to sit two rows away from me on a nonstop flight to West Palm Beach (or anywhere for that matter).
Sid, I don’t especially like to fly. I have this extremely unwarranted but rampant fear of death in airplane. I know, I know they say you are so much safer in the air then in a car and the percentages are low blah blah but you see Sid, I believe that if you get into a car accident your chances of survival vary and can be good. I know many people who have had car accidents and lived to talk about it. I don’t however believe for a second that if a plane accident happened that anyone would survive. This isn’t “Lost” Sid and I wont end up like Kate on a magic island with miraculously perfect hair everyday despite no electricity and two gorgeous men fighting over me even though I have not brushed my teeth in almost 5 years. No Sid, I will more likely plummet to my death. I will have to fall down to earth and if I by chance survive the fall I know how bad the aftermath looks.
And Sid, just so we are clear, my parents had no idea that as a small child I watched the Delta plane crash documentary where you literally saw women with bones sticking out of their legs, hair on fire, just lost their whole families and stumbled upon their lovers decapitated head. My parents would have never wanted me to be scarred like that but you know what Sid, it happened.
So anyways Sid, I don’t like to fly and I especially don’t like to fly with really stupid peon people so I was SO thrilled to find that the seat next to me was empty for the flight. I honestly felt blessed Sid, felt like this would not be so bad after all, felt like maybe I could fall asleep without an Adavan… I was encouraged.
I slept a bit and was actually managing to clam myself down midway through the flight when I was abruptly awoken by someone’s ass pressing into my head. Do you know who that was Sid? It was your orange dyed hair, equally as loud as you wife. She stuck her butt right into my peacefully sleeping face and then stood there like a cow not having the courtesy to move. At first I sympathized, I thought, maybe the bathroom line is big and everyone is cramming themselves in line as people on planes tend to do (another reason I hate to fly). But no Sid, no she was just yakking away with some other old lady about tabloids. Guess what Sid’s wife, Jane no like your butt. I decided to move, to head down the aisle to the bathroom and that Sid, is where we first met.
Another thing I hate about planes is the bathroom line. No matter when you go, no matter what flight in line there is ALWAYS a woman with a baby, an old rich woman who may or may not attempt to engage you in conversation about the airline, and a loud breathing ethnic man. This is coupled with the fact that again, no matter the time or flight one bathroom is always occupied forever and reverberates with sounds of someone who maybe had too much taco bell for breakfast. So this is the line I was in when you waddles yourself right up to the front chewing on an imaginary “gum” like a cow chewing their cud, but grosser.
You made some obvious old person comment about how “its always the women waiting- he he” and then tried to cut in front of all us stupid women. When the old lady explained that we were waiting in line your clever and classy response was “we’ll see bout that- he he” and probably would have actually gone and relived yourself before us lined up civilized folk if not for the creepy French stewardess who needed an excuse to vent her French anger onto someone. She told you your behaviors was unacceptable Sid, and it really was.
Sid, I would have forgotten all about you but then came your real time to shine. I left the bathroom and began to walk the aisle back to my seat. You and your wife were blocking my way standing in the aisle chatting away in your loud voice and continuing to chew your imaginary gum. I waited, I was patient and you saw me waiting and didn’t move and not until 5 people were now backed up behind me did you feel the need to get out of the way. Sid, you fucking gem did you not, instead of get out of all of our ways- we who had stood for 10 minutes watching you ignore us and yammer on about whatever bullshit your pea sized brain could muster- you decided that we all should move for you and proceeded to physically push me out of your way followed by all the others behind me.
I fucking hate you Sid. I really don’t wish bad things on people but if travelers diria struck you tonight, I would not even feel slightly bad.
Point: Who raised you Sid? Begin old is an excuse for many things; shoplifting small items, touching food and putting it back, applying too much eye or cheek makeup, wearing matching velor track pants and sweatshirts, bathing suits with attached skirts, reference to gay people as “those queer type”, reference to Chinese people as Orientals or Chinamen but Sid I draw the line at being a big stupid pig. I’m sure you had a mother and how do you think she would feel knowing that at 11:00 on December 13th you pushed a girl in her chest to get by her, did not say sorry, did not say excuse me and chewed the whole time. She would think you’re a dick Sid and so do I.
Enjoy your trip.
Xo
Jane.
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