Health Minute with Doctor Fiedlefortz.

Doctor Fiedlefortz says: Eating a box of sugar cereal a day is bad for your body.

While perusing the cereal aisles of any given grocery store it is easy to bypass the bowel-regulating All Bran, the seemingly healthy options of Cheerios and Rice Krispies, and the ever disgusting Mini-Wheats, those small cubes of fiber with the horribly addictive commercial ads that have you singing "mini mini mini mini wheats, strawberry flavor" inappropriately in the elevator while the CEO of your company wonders if you are secretly indulging a crack habit in the bathrooms.

So you walk by these fiber-ific cereals and then comes the good stuff. Sugar Cereals. If you, like me, have an insatiable sugar tooth and will settle for nothing but the best then you completely ignore those bullshit pseudo-sugar cereals like Honey Nut Cheerios and Coco Rice Krispies and head on down for the goodness.

My personal favorites are the following; Lucky Charms (but only the charms, not the cereal part), Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Count Chocula and all his spooky spin offs, and my top 2 are Apple Jacks and Cookie Crisp (mini cookies as breakfast, genius).

I recognize that this preference in cereal likens me to a hyperactive 8-year old boy who is neglected by his hick mom and left to play World of Warcraft while stuffing his face full of processed food but quite frankly, I just don't care.

But this past week has been bad. With too much spare time and a 2 for 1 sale on Cookie Crisp cereal I have successfully managed to consume a box of sugar cereal per day for 5 days for all 3 meals and yesterday I awoke in the middle of the night with horrible, mind blowing stomach pains. I had no idea why.

I obviously called for the only person I trust during times of medical uncertainty, Doctor

Fiedlefortz. Now, Doctor Fiedlefortz, being the wise man that he is questioned me about my eating regimen obviously associating a sore stomach with food. When I confessed my guilty pleasure he made his diagnosis. I was suffering from sugar ceral itis. The worst itis there is.

The cure- a daily dose of not eating whole boxes of cereal. In fact the good doctor suggested that perhaps even a handful was too much a it seemed to him that my self control was unstable in regard to these mini cookies. It did me no justice that during his diagnosis I was sneaking bites of the cereal under the table. The doctor is a quick man and when he heard the crunching, he knew what was up.

So like a reforming heroine addict I was forced to give up my stash and go into withdrawal.

It had been 1 day. I have dreamt in Sugarland already. My eyes have developed a very unsavory tick and my farts no longer smell like fresh baked goods.

But Doctor Fiedlefortz made the call and what Doctor Fiedlefortz says, Doctor Fiedlefortz means and Doctor Fiedlefortz is never wrong.

Doctor Fiedlefortz's Point: A steady diet of sugar cereal has never done anything good for anyone. It may be tempting but one must resist the lure of the artificial colors and tastes for what the good doctor refers to as "real food".