Oh hi.
Happy Monday! How was your weekend? Mine was pretty fab. Got out of the city for a night to a beautiful cottage, made yummy dinner with my husband, spent some time with my parents and my sister and bro in laws, did some yoga... no big deal.
So, time with my parents usually means shopping- we are a super shopping family and this Sunday was no different- we spent a few hours wandering the mall beginning to look for some formal wear for the upcoming weddings I have this year.
I went to a particular store- rhymes with shmedosino- as I have been finding some real gems on sale as of late. In fact, I was so enthralled with my last purchase there (because who doesn't need a t-shirt with tribal print and fringe) that I was about to put to rest my longstanding internal battle with this store.
After this past Sunday, I take that back- the fight is back on.
Please someone explain to me how a whole entire chain of store can be so incredibly awful.
Long long ago, in a far away land, I was 13 years old and had "formal functions" aplenty to dress for. The love of my fashion life, Betsey Johnson was readily available to me at store-which-shall-remained-unnamed-but-I-hope-you-rhymed-it, and so was a go-to for my dress needs. Now you tell me this; how does a store tell a 13 year old girl that she is too big for their sizes, even if it is true (although I don't think it was)- because, you bet your ass that happened to me. Sure, I was plump for a 13 year old but the dresses had spandex and there is not a better way imaginable to ensure a lifetime of body image issues than that, guaranteed.
Perhaps that particular week the stores objectives were to increase sales, make sure you were selling multiples and crush a pre-teen spirit. Well, mission accomplished, store, mission. accomplished.
Anywho, it took me years to even set foot in the store again and when I finally did and purchased some over the top expensive tank top, it proceeded to fray and loose beads within a week of owning it.
I then recall purchasing the cutest dress ever for price X and seeing it there at the store for double price X. That is just so not cool.
This is aside from the obvious, that the staff who work there are beyond arrogant. Sorry but are you working here while I am shopping here? No offense to retail ladies (or men)- I was one myself- but to have a sense of superiority, snobbery or self entitlement about it is laughable really.
So contextualized for you, I have had mostly bad experiences, one recent ok one- went back on Sunday.
The girl who was helping me could not have been less interested in me- which is understandable since there was another girl who she was helping that was looking at a 500 dollar coat, my stuff wasn't quite as much and you should totally pay way more attention to whoever is spending more right?
She actually argued with me when I said I didn't like the dress I had tried on- which again, is a super effective sales tactic, bullying people into clothing....
Plus, she smelled bad. How can I possible concentrate on my meagre skirt purchase when my nostrils are full of cheap perfume and dirty girl?
Did they even so much as offer an apology when I found a stain on the skirt?
I hate that I bought it from them.
I vow never to shop at this hack store again- not only are they totally unprofessional, rude and trampy but the clothing is overpriced (promise you can find it better somewhere else), mistreated, and of seriously poor quality. Plus, how can you take fashion advice from a salesperson who wear CKOne??
Fer realz.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Friday reflections
Happy Friday everyone. It is snowing like crazy, the skies are grey and I am dreading my drive up North tonight but rejoicing at the idea of Friday, a cottage and the weekend ahead.
There is something about Friday that makes me very reflective. I find myself thinking about the week, how it went, what I did, didn't do...
And in that same breath, this morning I thought about my New Years resolutions.... reflectively.
I'm not one for resolutions usually- mainly because I know I won't keep them and it seems just plain mean to myself to do something that I know I will be disappointed in myself for doing before I actually do it. But this year, there were a few things that needed addressing and 2012 seemed like the perfect time for the changes I was looking for.
And so, as I trudged to the subway this AM, wondering if an umbrella was effective or not in this snow/rain, I went over these resolutions to see how I was doing thus far now having been home for 2 weeks (omg- I cannot believe I have been home for 2 weeks already- time, so scary).
The resolutions and successes/failures of Jane Plantain:
1. Stop swearing.
I seriously swear about everything. There is no limits to my potty mouth and where I will use (abuse) it. It's bad, real bad. No classy chick drops the F bomb like it is going out of style- it is just not lady like (or un trailer trash like which I certainly aspire to be). If you ever want your 2 year old to learn the F word, leave him/her with me.
Results to Date:
Pretty fucking bad.
Work in progress people, work in progress.
2. Have a better weekday routine.
I have always dreaded the ETB. IT seems to me that you become a totally lame person the day you begin to retire early and wake earlier. I have always prided myself in being a person who needed minimal sleep (the fact that I rarely sleep is conducive to this) and was still able to get up and be a functioning member of society the next day. But, like basically everything in my life right now, age is creeping in. Goodbye to the days I could pull a full all nighter, Goodbye to the idea of going to sleep at 3am to wake up for work- hello to being late for work as a result of oversleeping, hello massive purple circles around my eyes- nice to meet you- you must be friends with grey hair and wrinkles.
Results to Date:
Coming home from across the world with extreme jetlag has helped kickstart this resolution. It is impossible not to go to bed at a reasonable time when you are functioning in a 12 hour time difference and like any habit, once you start, it is hard to stop. And, guess what? I wake up every morning on time, hell, I wake up with time to spare- so that's pretty good.
3. Read more
Results to Date:
3 books down, 2 in progress- resolutions are easy when they are awesome.
4. Text less, talk more
Seriously, I hate texts- I use them like a crackwhore uses crack (good one? right??) but hate myself for doing it- also like a crackhead. Here's the thing, they are easy, you can do it while you are pretty much anywhere and you don't have to commit to any length of conversation- you don't even have to answer back if you don't want to. However, I have found that with certain people, the text become full conversations and not just quick little notes- annoooyyying. So I vow to call someone if I need said full conversation. Period.
Results to Date:
LOL TTYL
There is something about Friday that makes me very reflective. I find myself thinking about the week, how it went, what I did, didn't do...
And in that same breath, this morning I thought about my New Years resolutions.... reflectively.
I'm not one for resolutions usually- mainly because I know I won't keep them and it seems just plain mean to myself to do something that I know I will be disappointed in myself for doing before I actually do it. But this year, there were a few things that needed addressing and 2012 seemed like the perfect time for the changes I was looking for.
And so, as I trudged to the subway this AM, wondering if an umbrella was effective or not in this snow/rain, I went over these resolutions to see how I was doing thus far now having been home for 2 weeks (omg- I cannot believe I have been home for 2 weeks already- time, so scary).
The resolutions and successes/failures of Jane Plantain:
1. Stop swearing.
I seriously swear about everything. There is no limits to my potty mouth and where I will use (abuse) it. It's bad, real bad. No classy chick drops the F bomb like it is going out of style- it is just not lady like (or un trailer trash like which I certainly aspire to be). If you ever want your 2 year old to learn the F word, leave him/her with me.
Results to Date:
Pretty fucking bad.
Work in progress people, work in progress.
2. Have a better weekday routine.
I have always dreaded the ETB. IT seems to me that you become a totally lame person the day you begin to retire early and wake earlier. I have always prided myself in being a person who needed minimal sleep (the fact that I rarely sleep is conducive to this) and was still able to get up and be a functioning member of society the next day. But, like basically everything in my life right now, age is creeping in. Goodbye to the days I could pull a full all nighter, Goodbye to the idea of going to sleep at 3am to wake up for work- hello to being late for work as a result of oversleeping, hello massive purple circles around my eyes- nice to meet you- you must be friends with grey hair and wrinkles.
Results to Date:
Coming home from across the world with extreme jetlag has helped kickstart this resolution. It is impossible not to go to bed at a reasonable time when you are functioning in a 12 hour time difference and like any habit, once you start, it is hard to stop. And, guess what? I wake up every morning on time, hell, I wake up with time to spare- so that's pretty good.
3. Read more
Results to Date:
3 books down, 2 in progress- resolutions are easy when they are awesome.
4. Text less, talk more
Seriously, I hate texts- I use them like a crackwhore uses crack (good one? right??) but hate myself for doing it- also like a crackhead. Here's the thing, they are easy, you can do it while you are pretty much anywhere and you don't have to commit to any length of conversation- you don't even have to answer back if you don't want to. However, I have found that with certain people, the text become full conversations and not just quick little notes- annoooyyying. So I vow to call someone if I need said full conversation. Period.
Results to Date:
LOL TTYL
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Monkeys and bedbugs and rashes- oh my
Ah!
We got our wedding photos back the other day and I am floored at how amazing they are- we had a really great day, but moreover, we had 3 very talented men snapping away all day long.
Click Photography- they are the bomb- and Frank, the owner who came to shoot us on the day of even though he was shooting another event that night, along with his 2 co photographers were hilarious and fun to work with.
http://www.clickphotoco.com/
Ok, so this gross, grey morning served to make us lament being home from otherwise warm climates. What a drag to be ironing your dress pants at 7am, gazing out the window to be greeted with drear. I know it could be worse and that this is winter, but to say I am excited for my upcoming weekend away in the sun would be an understatement.
But now, back to the vaca- because I would never leave you hanging in Bangkok...
After our time there we spent one night in Phuket (and one night too many, if you ask me)- we didn't even see too much of Phuket to know that we would not be interested in seeing it again.
Here is how the distaste grew. We are waiting in the Bangkok airport for our domestic flight to Phuket, the plane is delayed but, in Thailand, even on economy domestic flights, there are lounges with free food so it was only an imposition to be stuck there a little longer when the spanakopitas ran out.
We are seated beside 3 dudes who look like Jersey Shore rejects who eat steroids 3 meals a day.
All my life my parents always comment on overly tattooed people and how stupid they look to which my response is always how lame my parents are being and how tattoos are an art form. Looking at these 3 guys, I found myself thinking that either am getting lame with age OR these guys have seriously stupid tattoos. Listen, what do I know, but how much artistic integrity or significance can there be in an arm band of barbed wire or starts or tribal print? Possible that each guy who carefully placed his tattoo band over the largest bulging biceps was a convict or astrologer or member of a super-tribe- more likely they all wanted to flaunt their over stimulated muscles and didn't want to all get the tribal art- do you think they fing-ed for who would have to take the stars?
Either way- there they were perusing through their pictures- they had just come from a week in Phuket and were on their way to the New Years Full Moon Party on the other side of Thailand's South.
Now, different strokes for different folk right? Obviously these guys were after a different experience than us right from the get go as we were going to the opposite side of where the Full Moon party was and had no desire to be a part of that scene.
So, they are going through their pictures and getting really excited about their favorite day in Phuket and I am sitting across from them getting all envious about what I assume are pictures of perfect beaches, incredible views, lush greenery, or, you know, a video of them fist pumping to some party rock anthem song at a club. THAT is your best time ever? What? No clubs down under mates?
I cannot even fathom traveling to a new country and referencing your "best time" as the night you spent at a club- like when Jersey Shore travels all the way to Italy just so they can compare the clubs they visit to Karma- why bother going anywhere??
I kinda figured that if these guys LOVED Phuket so much, then I would not be so enamored by it.
Again, we only spent the night and I am sure that there are redeeming things about it and much to see however in the 15 minutes we spent walking the streets I would say about 5 cabs asked us if we were going to Patong beach (where all the clubs/ladyboys/nightlife live)- um....
Nothing else to do here but fist pump the night away? No thanks.
Anywho, I so digress because the point of this post was getting you to Phi Phi, which is where we went to from and why we had to stop in Phuket.
So, prior to leaving, people said "you can't miss Phi Phi"- this is true. You should see it as it is the most aesthetically stunning landscape that we saw. There are 2 islands- Phi Phi LAy- which is where the Beach was filmed, an uninhabited island with perfect water and gorgeous beaches, and Phi Phi Don, what I am sure was also once a stunning beach now populated by one too many hotels and speed boats. Still, before I became as jaded as I am now, I thought it looked like paradise, boats and all.
My husband is a traveling sort- he likes dirt and camping and all that stuff and so he was totally psyched to be staying at a resort that boasted itself to be like living on the set of Lost. No electricity, no hot water and rustic bungalows in a garden steps away from the beach. I was even getting excited about the idea of "roughing it" in this resort Paradise.
Relax Beach Koh Phi Phi- I hate you.
Our room, upon first glance was as charming as we imagined it to be. The towels were made into 2 swans kissing and I swooned over the beautiful balcony, the mosquito net circling the bed, the rustic wood steps... it was only later that I began to understand the situation. No electricity meant that our mid day nap was akin to a mid day sauna with extra heat and extra sweat, our cold water shower meant that there was no f-ing way I was submerging myself in ice cold temperatures and therefore, I was not even close to being clean after a day on the beach- sand likes to hide in your body, just saying. Rustic bungalow meant that there were full openings in the walls and roof resulting in bugs everywhere including a beetle the size of my fist just chilling next to our bed, and rustic also meant that you could not flush your toilet paper down the toilet.
My husband is still shocked that I reference this as being weird- he has seen this many times before but having never been to a developing country in my life, I had not and it is strange to wipe yourself and then dispose of it into a waste basket.
I am not a total princess. I didn't love the accommodation and the nuances of it but I am a good sport- and plus, what I didn't love about it was that it made honeymooning SO unromantic. Seeing your partners toilet refuse= not romantic, having sand in your butt=not romantic... you get where I am going here right?
So fine rustic does not always translate into romance- you probably knew that didn't you?
Anyways, we woke up, found strange bites on our bodies, 2 other couples who also had them and red bugs in our mattress- that was enough for us to say ta-ta to Relax Beach (and by ta-ta I mean a huge F you because we were pretty sure we now had bed bugs along with sandy bums).
The staff at this resort could not have been more unhelpful and rude- I think they even laughed at us when we told them there were bugs in the mattress- hey, maybe they think sleeping with creepy crawlers who have pinchers is totally legit, who knows... they tried to assure us that everything was ok by showing us one of the staff members arm- claiming he too had bad bites and that they were just mosquitos- the guy had a giant infected looking rash on his arm. Not.calming.
We decided to let this issue simmer while we went on our pre-paid snorkeling half day trip as organized by the resort. Here's the trip. They take us to Maya Bay which would be a stunning secluded beach on Phi Phi Lay but for that there are about 40000000000 other tourists with other boats here too.
It seemed that we missed the memo about it being Russian Sprorts Illustrated photoshoot day.
I wish I was exaggerating when I say that every single person on this beach aside from myself and my boat mates from our stupid resort were engaged in a super-sexy photoshoot AND all these couples were like supermodels (minus their faces) girls in thongs with perfect bodies, guys in speedos, hairless and oiled- that was our view. It was ridonc.
After the sexy photo beach, they take us to snorkel for all of 10 minutes, they take us around the island for photos and then to "Monkey Bay" where they promise you a sighting of real live monkeys (thank god we missed the fake dead viewing)- so, what to say about this Monkey Bay- hey hey hey... again, it is us and a bagillion other people and everyone is feeding the monkeys- some are abiding by the rules and feeding them bananas and fruit- some are feeding them coke and beer. This bay was just mostly a display of how incredibly rude and stupid tourists can be- in an alternative universe all these people deserve to be fed feces by monkeys while the monkeys chase them around gawking and harassing them.
What a hack daytrip. My hopes for having so much fun that I forgot my gross bug bites and just fell back in love with the whole resort and everything I experienced was just flushed down the toilet (and hey, at least something was flushed down it)
So back at the resort, we agreed that we would complain again- got laughed at again and agreed then to leave this craphole.
Listen, bed bugs can totally happen to anyone when you travel, in any class of accommodation- it is just my expectation that if and when I get bed bugs or find bugs in my bed, that you will do more than laugh at me and tell me I am being ridiculous- that's all. simple customer service. OR, if not, you will receive my wrath because if you think that I didn't come home and write a review on tripadvisor warning about your bedbug issue, you are wrong Relax Beach, very wrong.
Anyways, it was a blessing in disguise because had we not moved resorts we would have missed out on the best New Years eve! We ate, we drank Thai whiskey, watched ladyboys sing Jewish songs and watched amazing fireworks/ dodged the falling flames of said fireworks as they almost hit me in the face- plus, we slept in a beautiful lush bed, showered in a clean shower and felt the romance of the island. It was amazing and began what would be 2.5 more weeks of equally perfect experiences in equally clean places.
So, in my old age- I am not as rustic as I would like to be, is one thing that I learned about myself on vaca- big whoop, wanna fight about it?
We got our wedding photos back the other day and I am floored at how amazing they are- we had a really great day, but moreover, we had 3 very talented men snapping away all day long.
Click Photography- they are the bomb- and Frank, the owner who came to shoot us on the day of even though he was shooting another event that night, along with his 2 co photographers were hilarious and fun to work with.
http://www.clickphotoco.com/
Ok, so this gross, grey morning served to make us lament being home from otherwise warm climates. What a drag to be ironing your dress pants at 7am, gazing out the window to be greeted with drear. I know it could be worse and that this is winter, but to say I am excited for my upcoming weekend away in the sun would be an understatement.
But now, back to the vaca- because I would never leave you hanging in Bangkok...
After our time there we spent one night in Phuket (and one night too many, if you ask me)- we didn't even see too much of Phuket to know that we would not be interested in seeing it again.
Here is how the distaste grew. We are waiting in the Bangkok airport for our domestic flight to Phuket, the plane is delayed but, in Thailand, even on economy domestic flights, there are lounges with free food so it was only an imposition to be stuck there a little longer when the spanakopitas ran out.
We are seated beside 3 dudes who look like Jersey Shore rejects who eat steroids 3 meals a day.
All my life my parents always comment on overly tattooed people and how stupid they look to which my response is always how lame my parents are being and how tattoos are an art form. Looking at these 3 guys, I found myself thinking that either am getting lame with age OR these guys have seriously stupid tattoos. Listen, what do I know, but how much artistic integrity or significance can there be in an arm band of barbed wire or starts or tribal print? Possible that each guy who carefully placed his tattoo band over the largest bulging biceps was a convict or astrologer or member of a super-tribe- more likely they all wanted to flaunt their over stimulated muscles and didn't want to all get the tribal art- do you think they fing-ed for who would have to take the stars?
Either way- there they were perusing through their pictures- they had just come from a week in Phuket and were on their way to the New Years Full Moon Party on the other side of Thailand's South.
Now, different strokes for different folk right? Obviously these guys were after a different experience than us right from the get go as we were going to the opposite side of where the Full Moon party was and had no desire to be a part of that scene.
So, they are going through their pictures and getting really excited about their favorite day in Phuket and I am sitting across from them getting all envious about what I assume are pictures of perfect beaches, incredible views, lush greenery, or, you know, a video of them fist pumping to some party rock anthem song at a club. THAT is your best time ever? What? No clubs down under mates?
I cannot even fathom traveling to a new country and referencing your "best time" as the night you spent at a club- like when Jersey Shore travels all the way to Italy just so they can compare the clubs they visit to Karma- why bother going anywhere??
I kinda figured that if these guys LOVED Phuket so much, then I would not be so enamored by it.
Again, we only spent the night and I am sure that there are redeeming things about it and much to see however in the 15 minutes we spent walking the streets I would say about 5 cabs asked us if we were going to Patong beach (where all the clubs/ladyboys/nightlife live)- um....
Nothing else to do here but fist pump the night away? No thanks.
Anywho, I so digress because the point of this post was getting you to Phi Phi, which is where we went to from and why we had to stop in Phuket.
So, prior to leaving, people said "you can't miss Phi Phi"- this is true. You should see it as it is the most aesthetically stunning landscape that we saw. There are 2 islands- Phi Phi LAy- which is where the Beach was filmed, an uninhabited island with perfect water and gorgeous beaches, and Phi Phi Don, what I am sure was also once a stunning beach now populated by one too many hotels and speed boats. Still, before I became as jaded as I am now, I thought it looked like paradise, boats and all.
My husband is a traveling sort- he likes dirt and camping and all that stuff and so he was totally psyched to be staying at a resort that boasted itself to be like living on the set of Lost. No electricity, no hot water and rustic bungalows in a garden steps away from the beach. I was even getting excited about the idea of "roughing it" in this resort Paradise.
Relax Beach Koh Phi Phi- I hate you.
Our room, upon first glance was as charming as we imagined it to be. The towels were made into 2 swans kissing and I swooned over the beautiful balcony, the mosquito net circling the bed, the rustic wood steps... it was only later that I began to understand the situation. No electricity meant that our mid day nap was akin to a mid day sauna with extra heat and extra sweat, our cold water shower meant that there was no f-ing way I was submerging myself in ice cold temperatures and therefore, I was not even close to being clean after a day on the beach- sand likes to hide in your body, just saying. Rustic bungalow meant that there were full openings in the walls and roof resulting in bugs everywhere including a beetle the size of my fist just chilling next to our bed, and rustic also meant that you could not flush your toilet paper down the toilet.
My husband is still shocked that I reference this as being weird- he has seen this many times before but having never been to a developing country in my life, I had not and it is strange to wipe yourself and then dispose of it into a waste basket.
I am not a total princess. I didn't love the accommodation and the nuances of it but I am a good sport- and plus, what I didn't love about it was that it made honeymooning SO unromantic. Seeing your partners toilet refuse= not romantic, having sand in your butt=not romantic... you get where I am going here right?
So fine rustic does not always translate into romance- you probably knew that didn't you?
Anyways, we woke up, found strange bites on our bodies, 2 other couples who also had them and red bugs in our mattress- that was enough for us to say ta-ta to Relax Beach (and by ta-ta I mean a huge F you because we were pretty sure we now had bed bugs along with sandy bums).
The staff at this resort could not have been more unhelpful and rude- I think they even laughed at us when we told them there were bugs in the mattress- hey, maybe they think sleeping with creepy crawlers who have pinchers is totally legit, who knows... they tried to assure us that everything was ok by showing us one of the staff members arm- claiming he too had bad bites and that they were just mosquitos- the guy had a giant infected looking rash on his arm. Not.calming.
We decided to let this issue simmer while we went on our pre-paid snorkeling half day trip as organized by the resort. Here's the trip. They take us to Maya Bay which would be a stunning secluded beach on Phi Phi Lay but for that there are about 40000000000 other tourists with other boats here too.
It seemed that we missed the memo about it being Russian Sprorts Illustrated photoshoot day.
I wish I was exaggerating when I say that every single person on this beach aside from myself and my boat mates from our stupid resort were engaged in a super-sexy photoshoot AND all these couples were like supermodels (minus their faces) girls in thongs with perfect bodies, guys in speedos, hairless and oiled- that was our view. It was ridonc.
After the sexy photo beach, they take us to snorkel for all of 10 minutes, they take us around the island for photos and then to "Monkey Bay" where they promise you a sighting of real live monkeys (thank god we missed the fake dead viewing)- so, what to say about this Monkey Bay- hey hey hey... again, it is us and a bagillion other people and everyone is feeding the monkeys- some are abiding by the rules and feeding them bananas and fruit- some are feeding them coke and beer. This bay was just mostly a display of how incredibly rude and stupid tourists can be- in an alternative universe all these people deserve to be fed feces by monkeys while the monkeys chase them around gawking and harassing them.
What a hack daytrip. My hopes for having so much fun that I forgot my gross bug bites and just fell back in love with the whole resort and everything I experienced was just flushed down the toilet (and hey, at least something was flushed down it)
So back at the resort, we agreed that we would complain again- got laughed at again and agreed then to leave this craphole.
Listen, bed bugs can totally happen to anyone when you travel, in any class of accommodation- it is just my expectation that if and when I get bed bugs or find bugs in my bed, that you will do more than laugh at me and tell me I am being ridiculous- that's all. simple customer service. OR, if not, you will receive my wrath because if you think that I didn't come home and write a review on tripadvisor warning about your bedbug issue, you are wrong Relax Beach, very wrong.
Anyways, it was a blessing in disguise because had we not moved resorts we would have missed out on the best New Years eve! We ate, we drank Thai whiskey, watched ladyboys sing Jewish songs and watched amazing fireworks/ dodged the falling flames of said fireworks as they almost hit me in the face- plus, we slept in a beautiful lush bed, showered in a clean shower and felt the romance of the island. It was amazing and began what would be 2.5 more weeks of equally perfect experiences in equally clean places.
So, in my old age- I am not as rustic as I would like to be, is one thing that I learned about myself on vaca- big whoop, wanna fight about it?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Happy 2012
Alright folks. I am back. Offish.
Happy New Years- 23 days later.
How was your welcoming in of 2012?
Mine was spent on a beach eating a lobster feast with cheap champagne, lots of curry and ladyboys performing traditional Thai dances (which somehow included a Jewish Hava Nagila at the stroke of midnight).
Yes, be jealous all of you, I was on my honeymoon in Thailand soaking in the sun and touring the amazing islands of the south. While you were in your parka, I was in a sarong. NBD.
So obvi I don't spend 3 weeks in a foreign country without raking up a few tales to share.... so I begin where we began, Bangkok.
Bangkok is, to put it as my friend Phil so perfectly explained it, an assault on your senses. I thought this was a spot on statement because it really is as aggressive as the word assault would suggest, and really does impact your whole being. (I don't mean that in the whole hippy dippy way- I mean it literally).
I could break it down by sense but I instead will share with you some of the things I found more curious about my time there. The first being that I never had a sense of where I was. Not in the world, obvi, but in the city. Sure, we began to familiarize ourselves with our hotel and vicinity. Sure, we were able to navigate around to find almost everything we wanted in walking and river taxi but if you put me on any given street, I would be lost. The thing about the city, from what we saw is that everything is random and everything looks the same. On any street you find: gem shop, seemingly seedy massage parlor, 7-11, hotel, abandoned building, food carts, art shop, gem shop.... nothing made sense and nowhere was nicer/ fancier than the next place. The only few places in the city that looked slightly different were the high traffic tourist areas where spattered in my list of shops were also a Burger King and McDonalds.
So, big whoop, I had zero directional skills- what else is new really- is that what you are thinking?.... me too.
So, before we left ALL we heard about was the sex shows. "You must see the ping pong shows" everyone said. Now, I would have only because I am a perv and I cannot believe that more than one person has been trained to do that. mind.blown.
However, after walking through Patpong market (the night market adjacent to the "red light district" aka where you can see old men with young Thai women aplenty and every white person in Thailand gathering over cheeseburgers) my mind was changed. So the whole street is lined with strip shows that give you a sneak peak into what you might get to see should you entertain the creepy men soliciting you into the more provocative sex shows behind the curtains. I wish I could video my expression to show you what these women look like who are sneak peaking you- no expression at all. Like, not even boredom, just nothing, blank faces sort of moving, but barely to English Top 40 music in bras and underwear. What is sexy about that? It wasn't even sad, it was just weird.
On top of which, my husband, the germaphobe, heard that some of the girls shoot ping pongs into your mouth. That pretty much sealed the deal for him that he would 100% get gonorrhea just from sitting down- sex shows were off the table before we even caught a glimpse of what they could be.
Another thing about Bangkok that I found...well, notable would be that I don't think I took a single full breath in 48 hours. It was as if my body simply rejected the polluted air and would not let me fully engage in the breathing process. This meant that I also never fully digested my street meats as I think breathing and digesting work hand in hand and if not- it is at least quite impactful to your digestion when promptly after eating you are hit with 40 degree humid heat that smells like piss and tastes like smoke. If you blow your nose after a day about town and black stuff comes out, you know your breathing is wonk. Aside from the heavy air quality, the air also had this horrid smell which was, as mentioned piss in various forms. Hot piss, fresh piss, sweet piss, dirty piss... kind of depending where you were depended on the type and concentration of piss.
Oh shame, I make it sound like such a crap place- it isn't.
Bangkok is certainly not without it's nuances (and by nuances I obvi mean piss) but there are many wonderful things too- the markets were hilarious and fun and filled with tye-dye- this was truly my fashion mecca. Although my husband made fun of me every single day for overpaying, I got the best Thai pants in Bangkok (and they were less Thai than sort of harem hippy travel pants- but still, I can call them Thai if I got them in Thailand right?) for 6 dollars (about 5 too many if you asked hubs)
The food which remained in my stomach far too long, was incredible- I ate mystery meat galore!
The temples, both the famous ones and the ones you could find on a random street corner were stunning, and the few restaurants we went to were amazing- one in particular, Face, in Sukhumvit was one of the most beautiful buildings I have ever seen, period.
I guess it is suffice to say that I was happy to have seen the city and happy to leave all in the same breath (or lack of breath- right folks...right??)
Anywho, all this still was happening back in 2011- i know right? SO last year...but, thought I would catch you up so that we are not feeling like such strangers, you and I. I think I break here.
Happy New Years- 23 days later.
How was your welcoming in of 2012?
Mine was spent on a beach eating a lobster feast with cheap champagne, lots of curry and ladyboys performing traditional Thai dances (which somehow included a Jewish Hava Nagila at the stroke of midnight).
Yes, be jealous all of you, I was on my honeymoon in Thailand soaking in the sun and touring the amazing islands of the south. While you were in your parka, I was in a sarong. NBD.
So obvi I don't spend 3 weeks in a foreign country without raking up a few tales to share.... so I begin where we began, Bangkok.
Bangkok is, to put it as my friend Phil so perfectly explained it, an assault on your senses. I thought this was a spot on statement because it really is as aggressive as the word assault would suggest, and really does impact your whole being. (I don't mean that in the whole hippy dippy way- I mean it literally).
I could break it down by sense but I instead will share with you some of the things I found more curious about my time there. The first being that I never had a sense of where I was. Not in the world, obvi, but in the city. Sure, we began to familiarize ourselves with our hotel and vicinity. Sure, we were able to navigate around to find almost everything we wanted in walking and river taxi but if you put me on any given street, I would be lost. The thing about the city, from what we saw is that everything is random and everything looks the same. On any street you find: gem shop, seemingly seedy massage parlor, 7-11, hotel, abandoned building, food carts, art shop, gem shop.... nothing made sense and nowhere was nicer/ fancier than the next place. The only few places in the city that looked slightly different were the high traffic tourist areas where spattered in my list of shops were also a Burger King and McDonalds.
So, big whoop, I had zero directional skills- what else is new really- is that what you are thinking?.... me too.
So, before we left ALL we heard about was the sex shows. "You must see the ping pong shows" everyone said. Now, I would have only because I am a perv and I cannot believe that more than one person has been trained to do that. mind.blown.
However, after walking through Patpong market (the night market adjacent to the "red light district" aka where you can see old men with young Thai women aplenty and every white person in Thailand gathering over cheeseburgers) my mind was changed. So the whole street is lined with strip shows that give you a sneak peak into what you might get to see should you entertain the creepy men soliciting you into the more provocative sex shows behind the curtains. I wish I could video my expression to show you what these women look like who are sneak peaking you- no expression at all. Like, not even boredom, just nothing, blank faces sort of moving, but barely to English Top 40 music in bras and underwear. What is sexy about that? It wasn't even sad, it was just weird.
On top of which, my husband, the germaphobe, heard that some of the girls shoot ping pongs into your mouth. That pretty much sealed the deal for him that he would 100% get gonorrhea just from sitting down- sex shows were off the table before we even caught a glimpse of what they could be.
Another thing about Bangkok that I found...well, notable would be that I don't think I took a single full breath in 48 hours. It was as if my body simply rejected the polluted air and would not let me fully engage in the breathing process. This meant that I also never fully digested my street meats as I think breathing and digesting work hand in hand and if not- it is at least quite impactful to your digestion when promptly after eating you are hit with 40 degree humid heat that smells like piss and tastes like smoke. If you blow your nose after a day about town and black stuff comes out, you know your breathing is wonk. Aside from the heavy air quality, the air also had this horrid smell which was, as mentioned piss in various forms. Hot piss, fresh piss, sweet piss, dirty piss... kind of depending where you were depended on the type and concentration of piss.
Oh shame, I make it sound like such a crap place- it isn't.
Bangkok is certainly not without it's nuances (and by nuances I obvi mean piss) but there are many wonderful things too- the markets were hilarious and fun and filled with tye-dye- this was truly my fashion mecca. Although my husband made fun of me every single day for overpaying, I got the best Thai pants in Bangkok (and they were less Thai than sort of harem hippy travel pants- but still, I can call them Thai if I got them in Thailand right?) for 6 dollars (about 5 too many if you asked hubs)
The food which remained in my stomach far too long, was incredible- I ate mystery meat galore!
The temples, both the famous ones and the ones you could find on a random street corner were stunning, and the few restaurants we went to were amazing- one in particular, Face, in Sukhumvit was one of the most beautiful buildings I have ever seen, period.
I guess it is suffice to say that I was happy to have seen the city and happy to leave all in the same breath (or lack of breath- right folks...right??)
Anywho, all this still was happening back in 2011- i know right? SO last year...but, thought I would catch you up so that we are not feeling like such strangers, you and I. I think I break here.
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