Nautical Distaster

Canada Day long weekend. So good. So long. Never long enough.

Because this concert never happened when it should of, 10 years ago, someone decided to round up some oldies/goodies for the Canada Day Concert.

Downsview park, an otherwise pretty huge eyesore was transformed into an even bigger eyesore as white trash adorned in rub on and real tattoos and one-too-many Canada flag capes filled the entire park with their Players cigarettes and overabundance of litter.

Where to begin on this one? I have so many “dear you”s to address- ok, here goes…

Dear the organizers of the Canada Day Concert.

What were you thinking?

A chimpanzee could have put together a better-run event- or wait… DID a chimpanzee organize the show? Is that what happened?

Either way, having 3 separate and yet equally long/obnoxious line-ups for beer= a bad idea. Why do you want to turn otherwise friendly Canadians into beer-starved animals? WHY????

Thankfully you could only get a whopping 2 beers per visit to the beer tent (the one preceded by the ID wristband line and the beer tickets line) so, unless you wanted a non existent to mild buzz- you were at that tent at least 3 times (mind you, having spent the entire day outside in a friends backyard drinking 2 was about all I was managing).

Plus, and this was the real hilarity to the whole thing- the beer was Bud so UGGGGGGG for taste and UGGGGGG for having American beer as the one and only featured beer of the Canada Day Concert. Molson? Molson? Buller?

Right, so what am I harping on? A long beer line at a concert? You are thinking “hasn’t this girl been out to a concert before?”

You are correct, I have and they are almost always as poorly organized and line up-y as this one was but truly, this takes the cake. The Molson Amphitheatre seems like Germans run it in comparison.

Dear concert fans,

Yes, Friday was indeed a hot day temperature wise. I was happy with my decision to wear shorts and a loose T. I am not a super freak of nature who remains ever-cool when the sun is blearing down on me but I didn’t feel the need to go topless and you shouldn’t have either. The amount of backny I saw on Friday was enough for me to never want to see a bare back again.

Hey- love your overdone and completely irrelevant tattoos- put your shirt back on

Love your steroid induced bulging muscles accompanied with your small dick- put your shirt back on

Love you extra lanky body with undeveloped chest hair- put your shirt back on

LOVE your hairy man breasts- put your shirt back on

Everyone- put your shirt back on.

Unless you are David Beckham, you can keep your shirt on while outside the trailer park please and thank you.

Dear fat- ass white trash bitch and your equally heavy and unattractive friend + her skinny ass topless (OBVIOUSLY) boyfriend,

A big fuck you to all of you.

When you go to a concert on the lawn, most people are really courteous about space, fine and fair that you want to move around, dance, walk- whatever- but as long as you are respectful of personal space, don’t care. So as the sun set and the Tragically Hip were rocking out as only Gordie can do this fat chick came, from out of nowhere and plunked herself and her friends right beside me. Ok, no problem fat bitch- I don’t begrudge you for being very unattractive and 600 pounds overweight. What I do begrudge you for is beginning to fling your body (because, did you think that was dancing? That was certainly not dancing- oh you thought so? WRONG) into mine and totally take over the tiny space I was occupying while you hoot and holler in a mans voice.

You suck and you are lucky that my fiancé knows me well enough to have grabbed me and moved me out of the way before I began to throw elbows into your side-lard. Yes, you would have won the fight but I would have won the settlement for when you broke my legs by putting 1/3 of your body weight on them.

Dear everyone who stayed until the end of the show (except the above mentioned fat girl- but this includes all topless people),

You ruled for about 5 seconds and then sucked bigger than ever

Here is why. 20 minutes of amazing fireworks are set off immediately after the encore songs and the crowd goes mental. Like, no matter what age you are and where you come from, fireworks can always delight you. So all of us, all 20,000 or so of us have this momentary connection as we oooh and aaahh at the sky.

The fireworks finished and the crowd burst into applause and a totally impromptu Oh Canada. It was cute, you know what wasn't? The abundance of garbage that you all left on the ground. anything you can imagine was just strewn about- like this park is your living room. your moms would be ashamed.

My solution is that they restrict ticket sales and no longer make them available to pigs so that the rest of us can enjoy what was actually a REALLY fun show.

Happy Monday

Xo

Jane