Clap. Bark.

This morning at 5am I was startled out of my sleep with possibly the loudest clap of thunder I have ever heard in my life. 

I hate thunder, and lightening for that matter too. Safe to say in fact, that I hate storms of any kind and specifically when I am trying to sleep, specifically when I have to be up in an hour and I am clinging to the remnants of a good dream, and specifically when it is Monday morning.

Now, fortunately, the thunder was loud, fierce and over. 1 clap was the only one of its volume and the after thunders were but small rumbles in the distance.

Fortunately, while I hate thunder and storms, I sleep VERY well in the rain so I was thrilled to hear it pitter patter against my window.

Fortunately, it has been 4000 degrees every day so the rain immediately began to cool the outside providing a lovely cool breeze through my window making it possible to finally pull on some covers and get cozy.

UNFORTUNATELY,  my upstairs neighbours have dogs.

UNFORTUNATELY, these dogs are like miniature Satans and are possibly the most poorly trained animals on the planet.

These fucking dogs bark all the fucking time. 

When I come home from work, they sometimes bark until I go to bed- that is a solid 6 hours of straight nonstop barking,

I have no idea how their owners live with them and have an ounce of sanity as I am slowly losing it.

So of course, when that loud thunder roled in, those dogs began. 

How do you just let your dogs bark at any time, let alone before 6am?

Goodbye to my notoions of sleep- hello to plotting against these creatures.

I love animals. I really do. I am the mother fucking snow white of the  pet world- that’s how much I love them- but I cannot say that in my most aggravated times, I wouldn’t consider murdering these dogs.

Ok, ok, I wouldn’t murder them- but I would happily drive them out of town and leave them somewhere. I really would do that.

I also wouldn’t cry if their owners got rid of them- that would be ok by me too.

I cant even say that I didn’t crack a smile when I heard, from upstairs, what sounded like a chainsaw being revved up- I thought “finally” and awaited the silence to follow.

Obviously, whatever sounded like the chainsaw that would murder the dogs, was not a chainsaw at all, or maybe it was a chiansaw but they didn’t kill the dogs- they just accompanied the barking with repetitive motor noises. Guess they fgured since everyone would be woken up by their stupid animals, they may as well do whatever they were doing with that loud machine at 5am.

I plan to sit on their front porch tomorrow morning at 4am and just scream. A funny experiement to see how they like being harassed by noise all morning.

Dear Pet Owners, all of you,

I know you think your pet is endearing. It barks all day and you think, how cute!

NO. nonononononono. That is NOT cute. If you expect people to train their children not to pee in public, not to scream and cry all the time, and moreover, and related to your issue, not to sit on, grab at or otherwise harass your pets- you had better fucking train them. If your dogs are running around at 5am barking and causing a muck- you are a shitty dog owener and I reserve the right to think bad thought about you.

The End