Life in a Sweat Box

I would murder someone for a decent air conditioner in my house.

I aptly named this post, life in a sweat box because I am missing said AC unit and wanted to vent (ha! vent. Like where the AC would come from if I had it) about life in the hot lane.

When we first moved into our humble abode and found out that AC was not in the cards, it was ok. It was March. We were given a clunky and dated unit to stick in our window that was meant to provide us with hours of cooling power. Now, maybe it was the ducktape and saran wrap that we used to install it, or that this machine was made before I was born, or that our place is quite large and one window unit just would never suffice- but either way, this machine never worked. Sure it cooled the air immediately surrounding it in my closet room, but that was all. So while my perfectly folded GAP T shirts remained frigid, I roasted.

Finally, after I spent more than half of the summer bitching about the neverending sweat on my face, my landlords agreed to buy us a new unit. Enter Robot AC 2.0. 

Now, where I once had free space not occupied by a unit the size of a small fat child, I have a new AC unit. This thing is the most obtrusive device I can imagine in the world. How is it that my phone can basically tuck me into bed and wipe my ass in the bathroom and is the size of a business card- but they cannot manage to make a micro unit? And dude wasn’t cheap either- this thing was about 500 bucks. That is just batshit craziness.

The other thing about new unit is that although it is "free standing" and does not need to be installed into a window, it’s parts must run through a window thus really, defeating the whole “stand alone” feature that it boasts.

True to my own skills, I ducktaped this baby into the window. It is such a weird device. It has two enormous tubes that compact and extend and must go through the window and then attach to the body of the unit- taking up more space than it already did. Amazing.

This new unit trumps the old one-but what exactly does that say? Not a whole lot. The old unit sucked, this one, slightly less so. First of all it is mega loud and second it too only seems to cool off the immediate area it is in- not the best for a 1000 + square foot place with different rooms. So now I have a cool den followed by a semi cool dining room, a hot kitchen, hotter closet room, hotter bathroom and brutal bedroom. FAN-fucking tastic.

It is impossible for me, as a result, to ever look good in the summer as I perpetually sweat. The past few weeks of “summer” have been a dream come true to me, with the windy days and cool nights I have been sleeping with the window open and loving the natural breezy airy nature of my place. The day it got hot was the day I remembered how gross last summer was.

So to all of you out there who have renting/buying a new place on the horizon- I encourage you to consider your face and the amount of breakouts you get when it is always hot and flushed before you poo poo AC. In theory and in cool temperatures, life is great but like a big box of chocolates, you never know what you will get in the summers here in the city. Buyer beware.