Say yes to your dress

So in the now days leading to my upcoming wedding I have heard some real sweet pearls of wisdom.... perhaps from people who have totally forgotten their experience getting married.

My favorite so far is "enjoy this last little bit of unwedded bliss, it is the funnest time"

Are you a fucking sadist or what?

If by funnest you mean most incredibly stressful-don't have time for this shit-too much to do-I still have a full time job that really is way more important. Then yes- barrels of fun.

Now, I watch Say Yes to the Dress and all that crap and I know how annoying a self- righteous bride can be- and most are, right? SO self absorbed, everything is hard, poor me... all that shiat- finding a dress= not hard, booking a venue= not hard. Managing the stress levels of your entire family while trying to get your notes ready for your 9am meeting at the office knowing that after a late day of work you must go home and reorganize seating charts because someone is unhappy that Aunt Mildred isn't sitting front and center by the dance floor where she will likely look away from the whole night=not hard, but SO SO fucking annoying.

Ok, ok, boo fucking hoo to my stupid problems- a girl just needs to vent sometimes ok?
Thanks for that folks.

Ok, to the nitty gritty- and semi on-topic, I bring you back to bridal shows.
I watch them like they are crack. I watched them way before getting engaged so you can only imagine how my love has grown since.

I think I get off a bit on watching these self important women (not unlike myself in the above blurb) women go insane about their wedding dresses- and the ones that throw tantrums. O.M.G. I LIVE for that shit.

I saw one the other night where the woman had a full out temper tantrum because she had ginormous boobs and wanted the skimpiest dresses available and was then fully shocked that these dresses couldn't hold her boobs.

Wedding gowns are pretty dresses ladies, not miracle workers.

A long time ago I used to design custom wedding gowns- a career I recommend if you long to lose your mind in poufs of Shantang silk and Swarovski Crystals. Just saying. Anywho, I actually was fortunate enough that most of my brides were lovely- like, really lovely people. Pleasures to work with and gracious beyond belief. However, there is always one rotten raspberry in every basket (if you buy them at Sobeys at least).

So this bride was fat. She was also hella ugly but obviously someone wanted to marry her so her physical misfortune was not dire- just pretty ug-o. Anyways, she was as I mentioned, a large large large girl and since she could not find a dress in her size she wanted a custom dress. Amazing- that was exaclty why I wanted to make gowns- to make all brides feel beautiful regardless of their size and shape- and this bride would have been beautiful- except that she was a horraneouos bitch.

Anyways- we designed this dress that was really pretty, made it, fit it, it was so pretty and at the end she informed me that it made her look fat and she didn't want to pay for it.

uh.uh.

You don't mess with my money. It occurred to me then, as it does when I see women like the boob monster that many women have this irrational notion that the dress makes the girl- not so ladies, you make the dress. You don't look fat in the dress, I yearned to inform this bitch, you are fat. And the truth is if she had felt skinny, she would have instantly looked 20 pounds lighter.

So, as you know, I long have retired my sewing machine- this woman being the real catalyst to my distaste for working with psycho brides- and now I just laugh at them on TV/am one.

Isn't it ironic? Doncha think? (totally not ironic- but def funny)

And so, if I may impart some words of wisdom that are actually relevant to the bride to be- know yourself. Take inventory in what you have and what you don't. We are all really beautiful in our own ways and if you can focus on the beauty, no one, including you will ever notice the flaws....

and elope. Seriously.