Walking (oxy) MORON

If you are new or have not read my blog on Hummer then I will quickly reaffirm my complete lack of respect for and distain of Hummer. There are many reasons to hate a Hummer and some include; Hummers are gas guzzling whores, Hummers often are driven by people who want to "compensate" for "something", they are the worst things when you want to park in peace and overall since we are not military folk we need not drive a tank down Yonge Street.
Now, if some one can please tell me why, oh why oh why oh why Hummer went ahead and expanded their douchebaggery into clothing and accessories.
My boyfriend was on the subway yesterday and was able to snap a (really bad and out of focus) picture of a young man wearing a backpack with the Hummer logo on it. He thought I would be amused at the expansion of the Hummer name given that I just hate them so much. What I found funny was that this anonymous kid had either sewn on (or it is ACTUALLY part of the Hummer backpack- hard to tell) a "save the environment" type logo- it did not actually say "save the environment"  but did say something equally stupid and contradictory to the obvious label beneath it.
If you plan on or are a Hummer driving/ loving loser then at least own up to it. At least have the awareness to acknowledge your huge eco-faux pas. At least then we normal people know that you have a half a brain working and you are not delusional enough to think that
wearing a patch on your heinous backpack is going to save the
environment at all.
Why don't you go home and put a bumper sticker on your Hummer
that reads "Give a hoot, don't pollute"- then everywhere you go people will recognize you
for the fraud you are.
Also, from a fashion point of view Hummer clothing and accessories are just as sexy as those old men who wear race car gear- you know, Ferrari tops, Porche cologne... So there, you are as sexy or maybe even sexier than an aged man with saggy balls going through an obvious midlife crisis.
Point: Take off that stupid backpack.

Poor Showmanship

Now, I wasn't going to rant this, I swore up and down I wasn't but here I am, it is 11:40 in the morning and since I don't start work for another week I am at a loss of what to do but write. I have thus far filled my time off with the following lustrous and lack-luster activities including but not limited to; surfing the web in pajamas, baking in pajamas, not even bothering to take off the pajamas for band practices, running errands in pajamas, nursing my pulled SI joint and moping about how shitty it is to have back problems at age 27 while lying on the floor (I would specify the "in pajamas but I am sure you are not retarded and have guessed as much), writing, eating- lots of eating, painting, shopping...hell, you name it I have tried to quench my boredom with it. I am truly not the stay at home type person but unfortunately I am also a pj lover.... bad combination my friends, just dangerous....
ANYWAYS, I digress. So today we explore the downfall of the theater. I speak specifically to 4 major offenders and problem people who legitimately ruin the viewing pleasure of those around them. (This applies to movies and actual theatre).

1. Tall Man/ Woman (usually a man though) - I don't discriminate but if you are 6 feet tall why are you sitting in the front row? You must know by now that most people are not as tall as you right? I would imagine that if I was an amazonian giant I would be aware how little the rest of the population seemed. So again, I beg the question of why you have to sit in front of me. I am 5'5 and I can't see. You must know this. You can't for a second think that my view will not be obstructed by the extra 7-10 inches of you that loom over me so why don't you have some freaking common courtesy and sit in the back. The back seats are better anyways. You force me to restrain myself from kicking your chair for the whole time we are there and I have to crane myself around to just get a glimpse of the show. Do I look like a crane? (I don't, in case you thought otherwise)

2. Speaking Man/ Woman - Hey, guess what??? I can hear the show all by myself and don't need any kind of narration, commentary or sing along in my ear. I once sat behind a man who vocalized every action that occurred in the show. Like when the actor was putting on his boots, the guy behind me was like, "that guy is putting on his boots"- Hey, guy behind me, are you Batman because your observation skills are uncanny!!! I would have never just seen that myself had you not narrated for me and the rest of the audience. You know how the show's hire actors/ actresses and singers to perform? Let them do their job.

3. Telephone Man/ Woman- I get it, I get it, you just NEED to see the sports scores for the football game, you just HAVE to BBm with your friend Bill... guess what. You are an asshole. Perhaps you have never had the experience of sitting in a dark room and having bright little lights flashed in you peripheral vision but rest assured it is distracting. You should be advised that the world will not end should you, as the show's always prompt you to do, turn off your phone. I respect emergencies having witnessed one recently myself where my theatre companion received a very important phone message about the sudden death of a friend however, I have also witnessed a row of inane boys in front of me checking out sports on their iphones. All 4 of them at the same time. I have zero remorse for spilling popcorn down their backs and suggesting in a not so covert voice what they could do with their iphones and each other.

4. Parents of naughty children - Isn't it so endearing that you kid has no manners? So adorable when they kick the back of my chair for 3 hours straight right? YOU ARE A BAD PARENT. If you take your kid out on public you better make sure they can behave themselves like people and not like chimpanzees. How embarrassing is it to be scolded by a stranger because your kid is a crazy little shit.
Then I meet people in my adult life who talk all the way through movies and have no doubt what kind of childhood they had. Stop raising jerks and watch your children.

Point: If I could I would buy my own theatre and never venture into public spaces like like the Silvercities and Canon theaters again. It always reminds me of the horrors of group activities. However, I m not rich... yet so until that point, people, we are all coming to enjoy something. We have to be respectful of one another and of the ways in which we treat one another. Otherwise don't be surprised when the back of shirt is "unexplainably" stained with butter and you find popcorn kernels in your pants. You deserve it.

Fear

While admittedly irrational, I have a very distinct and prevailing  fear; mouths that are not attached to a face/head. Seriously,I have had an inordinate amount of dreams wherein either a giant mouth with juicy red lips repeats the word "stress" over and over in a voice that gets louder and louder (now before you jump to the assumption that stress has anything to do with this equation let me explain briefly that the word stress being repeated is from an exhibit I saw as a child wherein the machine would repeat the word stress and show you on a monitor the words dress or tress or rest and as the machine repeated “stress” over and over, depending what word was on the screen you would begin to hear that word instead…just a demonstration about the subjectivity of the mind... and also I am super stressed).

 In the same breath I also find the Dairy Queen commercial and the opening scene of Rocky Horror Picture Show terrifying because they have that disassociated mouth just talk talk talking away.

Now let me ask you this, why would anyone think that a successful ad campaign involve a mouth with no body or head, I mean, with no head there is no brain and with no brain how is this mouth able to process how delicious the hot eats and cool treats are? And moreover who made the random mouth an ice cream guru? Why should I, of relative mental sanity listen to a mouth and let a mouth tell me what to do? Just for their stupid and terrifying ads I refuse to eat Blizzards and suffer with McDonald’s very mediocre McFlurry to make my point.

I have also seen this mouth lurking in Virgin Mobile ads. Virgin Mobile, a company whose ads I usually enjoy went ahead and employed this obviously very persuasive mouth to promote cell phones. I am not buying anything from a mouth people. That’s like listening to a nose tell you what to do. Are we living in crazy land??

Point: This writer begs and pleads with anyone who thinks that this mystery mouth is a good idea to walk away. I have had these nightmares for like, 20 something years and I am ready to put this kind of horror behind me. Won’t you please lend a hand? (not a mouth)

Have you been looking for a place where you can pick up 500 germs per square foot on every part of your body while witnessing the declination of mankind? Look no further because the Science Center is here to make it happen!!
So my boyfriend and I thought that it might be nice and wholesome to take a drive to the Don Mills and Eg area and check out what was a staple in both of our childhoods.
Bad idea.
In the true "cut down all the trees and put them in a tree museum and charge the people a dollar and a half to see them" the Science Center proceeded to charge us 8 dollars to park in a completely full parking lot (and caused me to have a mini panic attack for the safety and well being of the car that we ended up parking in a driveway).
Now I can't be mad at a line up, it is not really anyones fault that the whole city of Toronto and their children had the same ingenious idea that day but holy hell was it busy. In fact, the line up was so big that we contemplated leaving immediately except that my sly and sexy boyfriend found a secret short line where the wait was far more doable. 36 dollars for both of us to learn about science. 36 dollars, seriously. I guess poor people are not welcome to discover the wonders of outer space.
Now, again, the place was super super busy so crowds and line ups were to be expected and we were adequately prepared however what we were not prepared for was to see humanity at its worst.
I have one thing to say to the people who visited the Science Center on Wednesday December 30th 2009. Manage your horrible children.
I understand that you may think that because I am a grown up your kids have the right to shove me aside and visit every exhibit before me. Perhaps you think that as an adult I don't deserve to see microscope slides of red and white blood cells.
Perhaps you find it endearing to watch your children run a muck and harass every person in their paths.... it isn't.
And to you parents who were almost as horrific to watch as your children, a double curse to you. I literally was witness to an elderly Chinese man who first let his rude ass kid bud me in line then physically shoved me out of line so he too could bud.
This is why there are shitty adults in abundance. This is the true findings at the Science Center- you can witness first hand how asshole adults are made.
So if we can perhaps ignore that facet of the trip (although we actually couldn't and ended up leaving early with a refund), you should also be aware of the plethora of germs that circulate throughout this facility. Everything you touch feels like germs - and I say this not as the crazy hypochondriac that I am but as a real person, things felt soggy, moist, and any other disgusting word you can think of to describe the feel of something that has been sweat on by many. Purel is not enough- come with gloves.
(and as a side-note to these crappy parents keep your imp kid's faces off everything, no need to lick the picture of the stars now is there?)
Finally, Science Center should be a place for the promotion of health, understanding your body blah blah blah...they literally have a health and body section and currently feature "Bodyworks" an understanding of how your body works and body health and yet, in each and every single cafeteria the only "health food" they provide is pre-made, boxed sushi, as if any kid is going to opt for some kappa maki. French Fries, burgers and chicken fingers are not foods that promote a healthy body and it seems almost hypocritical to encourage good body health and then serve greasy spoon crap. Just saying.
Point: may this humble writer suggest you head to the ROM or to the AGO (free on Wed nights and never too busy- you can also do a really cool tour of the old art gallery) I visited the ROM during the dead sea scroll exhibit and it was just as busy but far more refined and because it is enormous your are likely to find a section that is not overrun. Also, even though there was huge dead sea scroll line up it was never too cramped, people were extremely polite and good about sharing the exhibit space and for the most part very respectful... go figure.
Also, the Science Center should bring back the food section because this plantain seriously missed that Chinese rice miniature village.

To my dear friend Jordan

Dear Jordan,

I just wanted to take this opportunity to profusely thank you for your behavior yesterday during the wetlands hike. I was so hoping that during the hour long scenic tour of the animals and birds that inhabit the wetlands there would be someone like you who would shout into his blackberry right in front of us for the entire time. Nature, in its most incredible form would just have not been the same if not for your loud obnoxious voice talking about the football game while watched a Blue Heron feed its young.

You deserve a boy-scouts badge for the way you screamed to the person on the other end of the line while we stood next to the first alligator I have ever seen in real life.

I am so pleased to know that douchbaggery can still exist in the wild. I was concerned for a while that people would be respectful and awed by the glorious wonders of nature. Thanks for proving me wrong.

I totally respect your need to make plans to go drinking later that day. Holy, how ever would you manage if you actually had to wait a whole hour before leaving the wetland park? What if all your home-boys went for beers without you? It would have been a total waste of the day to just enjoy watching Cranes soar above your head and turtles swim under the bridge below your feet.

Also, your constant talking was the least bit disruptive so thank you also for not completely irritating the hell out of me. It was so peaceful to enjoy this kind of scenery with you right around me.

You are a gem Jordan. I absolutely cannot believe that you are not married, a fact which you revealed in your hour long conversation. Who would not want to spend their lives with an oily bohunk like you.

Perhaps next time I am visiting some rare exhibition at the art gallery you will come and reenact your classy and thoughtful behaviors to heighten the experience.

You should not at all be ashamed and I don't think you are a a total loser who probably lives at home with his mom at age 40.

Your friend,

Jane

P.S. Point: Do it again Jordan, and I will feed you to the gators. Watch your fat ass.

The grinch who stole Gap bags

For 20 something years my family and I have enjoyed our annual tradition of going buck wild and shopping up a storm to celebrate boxing day. This year was no exception. Holiday or not we were as determined as ever to pillage the mall and enjoy the chaos along the way.

We don't really do it for the sales, although I love a good bargain, we do it because we really love spending time together and this somehow became one of the many things we tend to do all together every year.

Now, here, they don't have a boxing day, it is apparently a Canadian thing but they do have a "day after Christmas sale" thing which is just like boxing day except less busy and less be-there-at-eight-in-the-morning-to-snag-good-deals ish. Seriously, at home my parents have us up and out by 7:30 am on boxing day to take full advantage of the day. We visit 4 different shopping locations- it's nuts.

What is nice about their not-boxing day day is that you can go in the afternoon or at night with no worries.

We headed to the mall around 5 and got shopping. The best buy was these wicked long sleeves from the Gap. Really nice cotton, pretty colors, long, just so cute and on sale for less than 10 dollars per shirt. We bought 6, 2 each for me, my mom, and my sister. We scooped up the bag and headed out to our next stop.

Now, to the person that swiped our Gap bag off the floor where my father had put it down right beside him, like, touching his foot, while he tied his shoe in Banana Republic, I know you are not reading this but if you were I would tell you how much I think you suck.

First of all who steals a Gap bag? What did you think was in it? Gold? Did you think we bought gold at the Gap?

Second, who steals from a nice man? My dad is the cutest man of life, if you can rob him in a mall you must be satan.

I pity you so much person who stole our Gap bag, how sad your life must be that you must go and steal other peoples lovely long sleeves... your life must be so miserable.

And also, it's Christmas time ish still, where is the holiday spirit when you have to clasp your shopping bags for dear life for fear of them being taken from right beneath your eyes. I hope that whoever you are you received coal in your stocking.

Point: Your a mean one Mr. Grinch, you really are a heel.

Whoever you are may you "accidentally" have backsplash while you pee tonight and may many drops of your pee get into your mouth.

Oh, and I hope none of the shirts fit you either.

Things that make you want to barf in your mouth.

While doing some research on the car ride down to the flea market for the "words that make you want to barf in your mouth" blog I began a conversation that slowly but surely led to "things" that evoke those same feelings. Because they provided many laughs on the 45 minute drive on the Turnpike, I thought I might share them.

Let's do this top 10 styles.

10. People with food in their teeth.

Now, I'm not talking about a poppyseed or a piece of diced up herbage, I'm talking a piece of broccoli or a chunk of meat. Something which you can fully identify and something which protrudes out from the tooth which it is lodged in. The grossest is when you see this person all day and the food does not move. How do you not know people? It always makes me wonder why this person is oblivious. Are you that used to having things lodged in your mouth? I especially find this scenario sickening when the person talks to you and the food flaps around in their mouths... that being said I also usually don't tell them about the entire pizza in between their two front teeth. My revenge to the universe that put this unsavory person in front of me to begin with.

9. Hands and the bathroom.

Part A- people who want to touch you or shake your hand right after you know they have been in the bathroom. Thank god I never went into traditional business. I am a complete germaphobe and also think people are generally gross even when clean. I would just die to have to spend my days shaking hands with strangers. My hands would simply erode from all the purel I would be forced to use. You know what people? Politeness Shmoliteness, don't touch me when you get out of the bathroom, just don't.

Part B- people who blatantly don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. EWW. What you do at home is one thing people, and I could care less, but in a public bathroom you had better be washing those hands. I don't want to know about the germs you are carrying around from having touched the toilet flusher, the lock to the toilet stall, your junk, whatever, it is just repulsive. The most awful is watching someone from scenario B interact with someone from scenario A, this is why I don't like touching people.

Also, in this same category, I think possibly the most vomit inducing thought is when you read the signs on public bathrooms, specifically in places that serve food, that say "all employees must wash their hands". Do your employees hail from kindergarden? Who would serve food with bathroom hands. Apparently enough people to warrant that sign and inspire me to embrace a life of agoraphobia.

8. Subway sweat stains.

I hate the subway. In rush hour it is like being in your own smushy box of hell. This obviously goes back to my not liking to touch people and in the subway this is simply unavoidable. Sometimes it is ok. Sometimes you are slotted between a good looking guy and a polite elderly person who does not smell like formaldehyde. Sometimes this is not

the case. There you are minding your own sweet business when a large (usually ethnic)

man reaches up to hold the handlebars above you. You are trapped in the slew of people and as such find yourself in the unfortunate position directly under his armpit. You gag at

the thought and then literally puke in your mouth when you see that he boasts massive drippy sweat stains. I know that some people have sweating problems but that does not make it any less disgusting for me to be near. Sorry.

7. Whiteheads in weird places.

I pity you if you get unsavory whitehead pimples. I do. It must be horrid. But Ewwww to the f-ing ewww do they make me sick. I want to pop the shit out of them. I make myself sick with the desire.

6. Close Talkers.

Back off people. If I can smell what you ate at lunch or feel the light mist of your spit, you are too close. I have great hearing, I can hear you at a comfortable and acceptable distance, I promise. Close talkers evoke such a nasty feeling in me. There is a reason for the term "personal space" Close talkers, you people have no respect.

5. People who want to show you their rash.

"Oh Jane, I have the most gnarly rash, look!!" Have you heard this phrase before? Everyone has at least one friend who wants to show off their medical problems. First of all, rashes, even on myself, make me bilious, on you they are intolerable. Second, those things are infectious. Why do you want to spread your disease? Did we learn nothing from the Black Plague? Keep your rash, your unidentifiable skin issues, your warts, and your cuts to yourself or risk losing a friend. I'm not a doctor an there is good reason for it.

4. Hot elevators

I once read this John Saul thriller when I was young and in it the characters are tortured by a mysterious evil being who seeks them out on their elevator ride and causes the elevator to plummet 23 floors, stooping short enough to shatter each bone in their bodies but not kill them. I fear this. I always think that if I could choose a way to die, falling would not be it... you could live and how incredibly painful would that be? I shudder. Anyways, so I fear the elevator and suspect many people share this fear as well as my rampant claustrophobia that only ever rears its ugly head in the confined space of an elevator. Plus there is the added horror of having to make idle chit chat with your elevator co-riders. I fear menial conversation as much as I do falling 23 stories. I don't care how nice the weather is for this time of year.

All of this plus stifling heat= throw up in my mouth, sometimes on the elevator carpet.

3. Change Rooms that have B.O.

There is no excuse in the world for the kind of B.O. that lingers for a whole day in the small confined space of a change room. How am I supposed to enjoy the process of trying on clothing when I can barely breath? How can I feel pretty surrounded by such an ugly stench? And what have you eaten to make it smell oh so bad?

If you or someone you know has the kind of body odor this offensive, there is help.

2. Damp Handles.

Now you already know my aversion to the public transportation system however even more gross than underarm sweat guy is the guy who leaves a damp handle. I try not to touch any of the shiny metal on the subway/bus. I know, I just know that it is filled with a million germs per inch and despite the recently installed hand sanitizer stations, I believe that people are dirty. I don't want your hepatitis or your swine flu thank you. Nor do I want your 3 year old's buggar fingers, your greasy hair which you just touched or your eye goo that you just rubbed. Unfortunately, sometimes a handle grab cannot be helped and even more unfortunately, sometimes the gloves I bring onto every subway ride, winter or not, are not accessible at the moment of the necessary handle grab. I already have t touch your seething germs but NOTHING is more disgusting then holding a hot, damp handle. You just know that in addition to the millions of bacteria you are touching you are also touching someone else's palm sweat.

1. Warm seats.

Again, usually found on the subway/bus (are you seeing a trend here?). Without a huge elaboration I simply ask if there is anything more unappealing and upchuck-worthy than having a seat, any seat, especially seats with some kind of fabric or padding, that is warm. Warm and moist. So gross. I barf.

Point: I guess it is suffice to say that I am a germaphobic, public transportation hating, detester of all mankind. But tell me dear reader WHAT THINGS MAKE YOU WANT TO BARF IN YOUR MOUTH- seriously, share it!!! We are all freaks at heart so don't be shy.