Poor Showmanship

Now, I wasn't going to rant this, I swore up and down I wasn't but here I am, it is 11:40 in the morning and since I don't start work for another week I am at a loss of what to do but write. I have thus far filled my time off with the following lustrous and lack-luster activities including but not limited to; surfing the web in pajamas, baking in pajamas, not even bothering to take off the pajamas for band practices, running errands in pajamas, nursing my pulled SI joint and moping about how shitty it is to have back problems at age 27 while lying on the floor (I would specify the "in pajamas but I am sure you are not retarded and have guessed as much), writing, eating- lots of eating, painting, shopping...hell, you name it I have tried to quench my boredom with it. I am truly not the stay at home type person but unfortunately I am also a pj lover.... bad combination my friends, just dangerous....
ANYWAYS, I digress. So today we explore the downfall of the theater. I speak specifically to 4 major offenders and problem people who legitimately ruin the viewing pleasure of those around them. (This applies to movies and actual theatre).

1. Tall Man/ Woman (usually a man though) - I don't discriminate but if you are 6 feet tall why are you sitting in the front row? You must know by now that most people are not as tall as you right? I would imagine that if I was an amazonian giant I would be aware how little the rest of the population seemed. So again, I beg the question of why you have to sit in front of me. I am 5'5 and I can't see. You must know this. You can't for a second think that my view will not be obstructed by the extra 7-10 inches of you that loom over me so why don't you have some freaking common courtesy and sit in the back. The back seats are better anyways. You force me to restrain myself from kicking your chair for the whole time we are there and I have to crane myself around to just get a glimpse of the show. Do I look like a crane? (I don't, in case you thought otherwise)

2. Speaking Man/ Woman - Hey, guess what??? I can hear the show all by myself and don't need any kind of narration, commentary or sing along in my ear. I once sat behind a man who vocalized every action that occurred in the show. Like when the actor was putting on his boots, the guy behind me was like, "that guy is putting on his boots"- Hey, guy behind me, are you Batman because your observation skills are uncanny!!! I would have never just seen that myself had you not narrated for me and the rest of the audience. You know how the show's hire actors/ actresses and singers to perform? Let them do their job.

3. Telephone Man/ Woman- I get it, I get it, you just NEED to see the sports scores for the football game, you just HAVE to BBm with your friend Bill... guess what. You are an asshole. Perhaps you have never had the experience of sitting in a dark room and having bright little lights flashed in you peripheral vision but rest assured it is distracting. You should be advised that the world will not end should you, as the show's always prompt you to do, turn off your phone. I respect emergencies having witnessed one recently myself where my theatre companion received a very important phone message about the sudden death of a friend however, I have also witnessed a row of inane boys in front of me checking out sports on their iphones. All 4 of them at the same time. I have zero remorse for spilling popcorn down their backs and suggesting in a not so covert voice what they could do with their iphones and each other.

4. Parents of naughty children - Isn't it so endearing that you kid has no manners? So adorable when they kick the back of my chair for 3 hours straight right? YOU ARE A BAD PARENT. If you take your kid out on public you better make sure they can behave themselves like people and not like chimpanzees. How embarrassing is it to be scolded by a stranger because your kid is a crazy little shit.
Then I meet people in my adult life who talk all the way through movies and have no doubt what kind of childhood they had. Stop raising jerks and watch your children.

Point: If I could I would buy my own theatre and never venture into public spaces like like the Silvercities and Canon theaters again. It always reminds me of the horrors of group activities. However, I m not rich... yet so until that point, people, we are all coming to enjoy something. We have to be respectful of one another and of the ways in which we treat one another. Otherwise don't be surprised when the back of shirt is "unexplainably" stained with butter and you find popcorn kernels in your pants. You deserve it.