Last night I went to dinner with my grandfather and family. My grandfather is the cutest man alive- seriously, so amazing.
The thing about a Jewish grandfather is that their restaurant choices are surprisingly limited to only restaurants that are extremely busy and full of other like- older people who flock in hoards for their 2 seatings of 5:30 and 6:30 respectively. Of course, everyone is old and loud and pushy and has brought with them all of their old friends and family plus all of their young family too- so it was not to our surprise that when asked where he would like to eat- my grandfather chose the ever popular Mi-Vah-Mi in Thornhill.
Some background- Mi-Vah-Mi is a Middle Eastern restaurant specializing in huge portions and fast service. So if you ask for a modest order of a vegetable skewer, you can expect a huge bowl of salad with a skewer the size of an arm with a ginormous helping of side dish- they are readily available with take our containers as many of their patrons enjoy both a dinner and tomorrows lunch all at the same time.
Anywho- we got to the place at 6:00 and as expected, it was jammed to the tits with everyone and their grandparents. Amongst the shoving and horking into napkins that get tucked into sleeves you must forage through the crowds to put your name down with a young girl who looks borderline suicidal at the thought of one more fucking person in the line that is long out the door. We do and then squeeze back into the abyss of the crowd and begin to wait.
And this brings me to the highlight of my evening.
Dear you Phillip Seymore Hoffman lookalike motherfucker,
Having spent the past 20 something years dining at various establishments just like Mi-Vah-Mi, I have witnessed my fair share of pompous idiot people who do really fucking annoying stupid things. You take the absolute cake. I have never been so personally offended by another person in my whole life. And if it wasn't enough that you made me sick to my stomach- even the suicidal hostess who, I am sure, has seen the absolute ugliest of people come through her restaurant- said you were the worst she has EVER seen. So congrads on that sir. You should feel very proud of yourself.
I immediately hated you when we first encountered one another. Your bratty ass child was tugging on your shirt as we walked in to put down our names and you were obnoxiously telling her to "stop pulling on daddy's expensive top" thanks for letting the entire restaurant know how "expensive" your top was. I was happy to share in that knowledge. (ps. sorry that your "expensive" top was a zip up sports shirt- you must be a classy sort)
Then you left the restaurant with your kids- maybe because they were so incredibly obnoxious and needed a "time out" and returned shortly sans children- your VERY bland and blond wife asked you where the kids were and your answer was- "I locked them in the car"- "what"??? said your wife "ya, I locked them in the car" you replied. "um, you can't lock your 7 and 8 year old kids alone in a parking lot in a car" she said to you as you raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Shocking, I know loser. Do you let them babysit each other too? What a good parent you are sir. Your mom would be proud.
And she would be all the more proud of you for shoving by me, my fiancé and my elderly grandfather on your way to go spend 20 minutes harassing the hostess. Not to worry you piece of shit, I didn't need those toes.
Asking the poor girl every single time she passes by you if you are next to sit down doesn't make you next to sit down. Of course, this guy for sure thought he was THE MOST important person in the restaurant, nay, the world as he pointed to the same empty table about 6 times asking if they could sit at it while she patiently reminded him that it was for a reservation. res-er-va-tion- a hard concept, I know.
He then proceeded to get his whole families order in line shouting over the crowd that he wanted a breaded chicken cutlet. Um, with all due respect (that's a lie), you are fucking fat sir. A little salad wouldn't kill you. But again, happy to share in his families order. I would not have felt totally satisfied with my dining experience without knowing what they were ordering.
All the while his 2 kids are hanging off the bar with their grubby hands and putting their faces all over everything. How many times must someone come over and tell you that they cant do that before you stop them? Apparently, about 6. You have to just kind of feel bad for kids like this. I mean, how could they possibly be normal and well- mannered when they have been raised by a total pig?
It was a pleasure to wait another 10 minutes and let them sit before us. My fiance, ever kind and totally about to loose it on this dude, told the hostess to just give them our table that we had been waiting 45 minutes for just to get them the fuck out of the way. I think everyone in line was grateful.
Notwithstanding the fact hat he was seemingly so desperate to sit- he first had to know who his waiter was- presumably so he could adequately prepare to harass him too.
All I can say is poor waiter. I felt his pain.
Although the man promised to have a "very quick meal" while trying to finagle a table from the hostess, they managed to sit for well over an hour right behind us leaving me to block out his horrible voice from my ears.
Now, when you want to take something home for free- you should be sure not to fucking eat it first. But again, you probably need some kind of basic human intelligence to think about that so no surprise that he called the manager over at the end of his meal- right in front of my table, obvi, to complain. His complaint- he finished his gravy- wanted second fried chicken piece to go- but wanted more gravy for free in his to-go bag. I'm pretty sure the manager just wanted him out so she aquiessed and I'm sure he thought his comment about how he spent a good amount on the bill made it happen- um, pretty sure the most expensive entree is 19 dollars- big spender.
The whole experience was equally hilarious and annoying and just reminded me of several dorks I went to high school with that likely didn't get laid until they got married, made enough money to afford a average house in Thornhill, bought a big screen TV and Lazyboy and a cheap but still environmentally offensive SUV and now think they are ballers because their very average blond wives rides them every other week.
I salute you sir on taking the cake, and fried chicken, as the worst person I have encountered ever. CAn't wait to meet your kids in 20 years.
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