Happy Friday

Today was a really good day- it has in fact been a really good few weeks  and now, at the cusp of December- we have 32 days left until New Years.

32 days!!!! Can you even fathom it? And then we are off to a new year and a new bunch of 2013 related adventures. It also means my vacation to the sunny beaches of Del Ray are in the horizon in 22 days. I can feel the sun already- especially today when, upon sweating my brains out in my Canada Goose yesterday, I only wore a wool coat and subsequently froze my stupid ass off. (#firstworldproblems #this hashtagmeansnothing)

Today I purchased the iphone 5 I have been coveting since its Fall release. The heavens parted and like a ray of light breaking up the grey skies, the phone was mine.

The guy at the store may have laughed at me as I asked stupid questions like "how to facetime" and "where my apps go" but I don't care. I am thrilled to be ignorant about my new phone and technology in general. THRILLED.

Here is what is amazing about it. Everything.

xo
Jane

The union

I have done it. I have successfully set up the most amazing couple in the whole world. Hurray for Plantains.

Yes readers, I fancy myself a bit of a matchmaker and whether or not I get the “thank you” mention at the wedding that I will deserve, I have found the next great couple.

Max, meet the woman I sat next to on the bus today- woman, meet Max who was in my cooking class last night. I know that you two crazy cats will hit it off.

A bit of background on one another? Sure thing. I think it is important for you both to determine whether or not you would be a good match- you don’t just have to take my word for it.

So, meet Max.
I met Max last night and have not been able to get him off my mind. It isn't every day that you get pushed aside in a cooking demo for custard and baklava by a 60 year old man who feels that he just NEEDS to stir the mother fucking batter before you.
But Max, you sweet soul, you- you just pushed me right aside didn’t you.... Didn’t you????

I find it refreshing to meet an elderly man who doesn’t give a shit to be kind/ polite or gentlemanly when in the presence of a lady- and almost invigorating to know that there are still some people in this world who get cranky, at 60 years old, when they cant stir the custard batter for long enough.

Best of all, after you pissed me off by cutting in front of me 5 times straight and I started snapping at you, my husband had to actually moderate the situation- making sure that everyone in our cooking group had a turn at helping out. I was SO impressed by the way that you needed to be told when your turn was- and when it was not your turn in order to share with your team. A grown up man who cannot share well with others in a social environment is so damn sexy.

Max also enjoys long walks on the beach, not having conversations with people around him even when they are working REALLY hard to just be friendly, budding in front of small children who are waiting in line for Santa and cooking baklava.

Max, meet woman on the bus.
I met this woman this very morning after having my own personal battle royal with my jacket zipper before leaving the house. I was tired and the zipper had won so it was to my delight and joy that I got to sit next to this woman.

She was or is a smoker, that much I know for sure- I could tell by the thick lines around her mouth that she had sucked back on a ciggy one to many times in her hayday- but I for one, think that wrinkles that you can attribute to a bad habit look very rock and roll. So we dub her the female Keith Richards. What could be sexier than that?

Of course the best part about her was that she spent the entire 10 minutes beside me chewing gum with ferocity. You can just tell by the ridiculously loud chomping noises she was making, that she was a woman who likes to sink her teeth into projects- that she takes life by the horns- that she has a zest for life overall... Often when people make horrific and raunchy mouth noises, I fell like saying to them, “yes, yes, that is just fucking awesome- PLEASE keep making saliva noises in my ear, stranger. It rules”.

Can you just imagine the duo I have conceived?
He holds her hand and trips women carrying babies on the street while she chomps like a cow by his side.
They could go to dinners where he would be rude and stupid and she could place her gum on the underside of the table to pause the gum chewing for food chewing.
Sex would be a dream.

Yes folks, I am feeling mighty proud of myself for this set up. May cupid himself smile down on this magically wonderful couple for all eternity.

The end.

A year gone by

A year in Review.

I am constantly remarking on how fast time goes by these days. How fast the winter has crept up, how fast the summer went by- and how fast a year has gone by with today marking my one year wedding anniversary.

In a few short hours, 1 year ago, I would have been marching down the aisle, ready and eager to say I do to my most wonderful husband. And now, 365 days later I feel like both an eternity and only a day has gone by.

And to think that I owe this whole journey to one of the worst times in my life really makes me grateful to have been able to build from a bad situation to the best possible one I could ever imagine. When I met my husband over 5 years ago I was a very happy, very messy and very non committed plantain. Having just gotten rid of a crap boyfriend, I was only wanting to have fun, drink a lot and never involve myself again with a stupid boy.

When I met him in an alley and he proceeded to ask me out some days later- I said yes only because my motto for that year was say yes to everything- to try anything new- which was both trouble making and full of wonderful experiences.

Not one day has gone by since our first date of me wearing leg warmers (oh fashion crimes of the past) and he talking a lot of bullshit (some things never change), that I have ever looked back.

There has been something really organic and magical in falling in love and then being in love with someone naturally- when neither of us were looking for it or even wanting it. And it was just awesome to know each other for so long before getting married. We are lucky. I know that for sure.

I married my best friend. I get to spend my days and life with someone who I never want to be without. We just spent the entire weekend together and I am already excited and anticipating our date tonight- that is one of the million reasons I know that he is perfect for me.

Now, please wipe up your barf puddle and thank you for indulging me in my love fest.

What you are really thinking is... How did we celebrate?
Here you go readers....

Friday we had dinner with my family. I have not had a home cooked meal by my mom in ages and it was everything I had hoped for and more. Dear chicken soup, I love you.

Saturday morning we got to the market early enough to get a pemeal sandwich for my hubs AND enjoy the farmers market. Have you been to it lately? Met the olive oil guys? I don’t know much about sales, but yammering on about how much your son loves oil/ a book about oil/ the tasting notes in the oil/ oil/ nothing while 2 people are trying to meander around and enjoy their Saturday morning is a shitty tactic.

Have you been to the Kosliks stand inside the regular market? Kosliks mustard, I dream of you. They grill you pieces of pemeal bacon to dip/ try the various mustards. Hot daym.

 We have this great “joke” where we pretend we have never seen the mustard stand before and then grab as many pieces of pemeal bacon as we can get our grubby little hands on. There is little taking for the following 10 minutes while we shove mustard doused bacon in our mouths.

The end goal to our market jaunt was to cook a romantic dinner for 2 that night. Mission accomplished, friends.

We made a wicked cheese plate with smoked speck and drank paper planes made by my amazing chef of a husband turned mixologist. Following which, I dazzled him with my croustini making abilities. Seriously people, I make a mean croustini. We had mushroom and guanciale croustini with truffle and friend basil AND a creamed cheese/avocado/dill/lemon spread with gravlox.

Suffice to say that by the time we got to out calamari course, we were stuffed with no room left for the idea of homemade pasta that we had thought of. We drank expensive wine, gossiped like it was our job, and spent some time reflecting on when we met, the journey and where we are now. It was the most perfect way to enjoy the most perfect person.

Sunday we again woke up early and decided to take advantage and go to Aunties and Uncles- a brunch spot we had been wanting to try for some time but never could fathom waiting in the long lines for. We got there before 10 and still had a 30 minute wait. So I am a huge fan of dives- like, I love that I don’t give a shit antique décor style but woah A&U, you are gross. The place felt kind of dirty to be honest and the bathroom- let’s just say, centipede heaven was exactly what I thought as I tried not to stare too hard at any one surface for fear I would actually see one.

Breakfast was definitely tasty but amazing? Not really. Worth an hour wait in line? DEF not.

We walked around Kensington for several hours before heading home to get ready for our night out with his parents. They took us to Mideastro. It was F-ing amazing, like A-MA-ZING. Eat there.

Overall, it was a great weekend with the best husband and when I look back on a year of things that have not always been amazing, when I look at the “downs” and the struggles, I always still feel lucky to have him by my side through it all.

Face, I love you.

Who needs a pacifier?

 Dear raver couple sitting directly across from me on the bus right now. I can hear you and so can the woman pushing her baby in a stroller at 6pm on this past Monday night.

Seems that you think it is, and I quote "offensive" for women to bring strollers on the public transportation system. Seems you feel so strongly about this issue that you have proceeded to discuss this for the past 20 minutes.

You in fact just called a stroller a "feminine excuse" and a reason to carry "something bigger than a purse".

I didn't realize, boy with fucking braids in your hair and herpes on your mouth dressed like a 90s candy raver, that you had any thoughts or opinions on child rearing. I'm going to go ahead and be straight up judgmental and say that not only do you look unfit to voice your fucking annoying opinion on strollers, you also look like you are on crack. And your girlfriend with the sesame street voice looks like a huffer. I watch intervention, I know.

So,
A, no one wants to listen to your vulgar potty mouth spewing bullshit all over their would-be quiet, peaceful ride home and
B, this poor mother with her child in stroller can blatantly hear you. More offensive for woman to push her kid in a stroller and take up the precious space your disgusting Vans could otherwise be stretching out on or for you to be shit talking a clearly exhausted mother with her child who, I may add, is old enough to understand what you are saying.

Your number 1 claim is that mothers these days are too lazy to bother to carry their kids and that strollers are just for mothers to store all their extra shit in. Yes, because mothers with small children have so much shit of their own to carry. It is likely their diapers, and rash cream, and bottles and snacks, and spare clothes and blankets and soothers and teddy bears that are stuffed into the strollers.

And fyi, douche bag, if you have ever actually come near a child or a stroller, which you clearly have not- they don’t REALLY hold all that much- do trust that any woman- and I do mean ANY woman has been long accustomed to carrying all her needed possessions in a small purse at any given time.

Oh, and have you ever carried a baby? Because your claim that all mothers are lazy and should carry their child at all times is just fucking stupid. They are people, dude, not incredible hulks. You and your penis should have a long think-sy-poo before you go on and judge a woman and how she cares for her babe.

Your Muppet friend chimed in at this juncture to point out how many handicapped people have been put out of a place to sit on the TTC because of strollers. Um, how many? Do tell.

Being a crackhead does not quite qualify you as handicapped and my guess is that you are a mega moron and have no idea what you are talking about.

The dude then proceeded to vomit more idiot crap into my atmosphere by discussing his distaste for women who bring their babies to shopping malls (and I know, like me, you are shocked that anyone could have this much to say about such a stupid topic). You said, and I quote “do you think a 2 year old wants to be at the Bay for an hour”?

Oh wise and powerful yoda raver- please tell me where a 2 year old wants to be? Wandering the wilderness? Out with friends? Brunch? At the Guverment nightclub? Hard to say.

At this point I had to zone out of your conversation for fear that I was going to get up and smack your ugly face for being such a twit. When I zoned back in, you had moved to the arresting topic of social media and people on their cell phones in public. As I rang the bell to disembark what was, one of the worst bus rides of my life courtesy of you, I heard you say “would people rather I just shut up and play on my phone instead of making conversations on the bus”?

The answer, you total loser, is YES. Please. For the sake of all humanity. Please never open your mouth again unless it is to apologize to all mothers of the world.

Thanksomuch.....
Jane

Halloween Hangover

 Good Thursday to you my readers.

Did you have a nice Halloween eve?
I’m going to have to be honest and say mine was not great. I had great company and a questionably great costume but the night as a whole was not great- this may be why I feel excessively stabby this morning.

So beginning with the night. Sure, it was raining- so there is something to attribute there, but overall our trick o treat visitors were pitiful in numbers. AND, worse than that, they came until 9pm and 20% at least, did not even bother to wear a costume. 2 people didn’t even say trick or treat!

I felt defeated standing on my porch in my stupid ghost costume, that I put on despite ridicule from my husband- and I felt sad watching as kids came and went- on the other side of the street.

It is not my fault that my 2 next door neighbors made it horribly unappealing to come to our side of the road- with dark houses and no décor, I get that it was less appealing than the North side where every single house was lit up with cobwebs galore... But I had twinkly pumpkin lantern lights, I had gravestones in the ground and my hangy skeleton waving in the wind.... What else do you need people????

I am of course selectively omitting the joy I had when opening the door to a tiny care bear, a mini monkey and a lovely unicorn, some small witches and a geisha. Those kids made my whole night and subsequently each got about 40000 candies from my bowl which still houses about 90 chocolate bars (dear fat me).

The other nice thing, besides the cute kiddies was having my parents over and starting a brand new Halloweeny tradition chez us.

Needless to say, I think I fell asleep crying about the bad Halloween (and definitely NOT because of PMS) and when I awoke this morning, the grey skies and memories of my night in a bowl by my door didn’t do anything to lift my spirits. Nor did the crazy woman who lives in my neighborhood and talks to herself all the time, out loud, when she sat down next to me on the bus for my ride to the subway- which stopped a total of 3 times underground for sick people.

I hate f-ing stopping underground. Like there are not a million mole people living in the subways only but waiting to find a car trapped in the cement tunnel to rape and pilliage. I was too mad to even play my “who would I eat first if it came down to it while I was stuck on the subway” game.

Dear Thursday. You suck. Bring on Friday.

Peter Pumpkinhead

Happy Halloween!!!!

After 365 days of countdown since Halloween 2011, we have arrived at my most favorite day of the year. Hello.

So, I have to admit that we were a bit behind this year on the festivities. My house remains undecorated since there has been non stop wind/rain attacking my porch since Friday and it was only at 7pm last night that I decided to get a pumpkin.

Did you know, dear reader, that finding a pumpkin the night before Halloween is like trying to get an iphone 5 on opening day. Impossible. 2 stores were just plain sold out but good ol No Frills still had a meager 6 pumpkins remaining in their bins. 3 had full holes on them. 2 were about to rot right open, and 1 lone pumpkin remained unrotted and unholed. This pumpkin was unfortunately deformed in a bad way- so obviously, this was the pumpkin for me.

I know that pumpkins don’t actually have feelings but I somehow feel like this pumpkin was overjoyed to fulfill his duty as a Halloween mascot. That left unpicked, he would have dies a slow terrible death at the bottom of a paper bin in the back corner of a sketchy No Frills amid the rotting flesh of his peers. I feel like our pumpkin smiled as we laid him down in the car- with his wonky head all misshapen and that he knew he was coming to a nice home to celebrate the holidays.

And so now, the deformed part of his head is overshadowed by the hella spooky face on the semi rounded part of the head that could actually be carved into and his humongous seeds (proof that you cant judge a book by its cover) are roasting away in my oven covered with sea salt and spices and my house is now ready for trick or treaters who better withstand this horrible weather and actually come out. I am not rushing home to put up spider webs and ghosts for nothing, ok kids?????

I think that the only downside to today’s festivities is my lame-o costume. Since my hubby told me I am too old to dress up tonight by myself (goodbye to my homemade ghost costume), I have been left with Friday night’s birthday bash for one of my besties as my “dress up opportunity”. While I LOVE her superhero theme, one would argue that “homemade ghost” and or Rawdy Rawdy Piper don’t quite qualify as superheroes and with all other female superheroes being super skanks, I have been left with my husband’s creation of costume magic, Professor Chaos and General Disarray- google them, hey are special characters but then google people who dress up as them for Halloween- I will be enshrined with fat dork weirdos foreves.

I cant wait though, to spend my first Halloween in my new home with my mom and dad, hubby and Pumpky (the name I decided fit my almost discarded pumpkin head), my spider webs, my hangy skeleton, my ghost, my BEWARE sign in glittery orange and a huge bag of treats for all the kids who, seriously, need to come out tonight or I will end up eating a full barrel of mini chocolates.

Have a spooky night everyone.

mwaahahahahahahahahahahahaha

A weekend to remember

Dear Hurricane Sandy,

Staaaaahhhhhpppppp.
stahp
No, but seriously....

So, after taking off Friday and Monday from work to fully celebrate in the festivities surrounding my sister in laws wedding this past Sunday, Tuesday is feeling like a Monday and Wednesday. Confusing.

I can happily report that amid the terrible cold and rain, my SIL and her man became husband and wife and the wedding went off without a hitch (minus them getting hitched....). It was in fact, one of the most beautiful weddings I have ever been to with the most amazing floral arrangements I have ever seen. I, as you know, am not a huge flower person and usually find centerpieces to be stupid and WAY to ornate. These were splendid and perfect.

I also have to give the bride major kudos on putting such sweet and intimate touches on every detail. The cake topper, the cards, the music choices- every last thing was perfection...and the food, TO DIE FOR. I said a one-night-only adieu to my diet and stuffed myself silly. Truffle mac and cheese apps, don’t mind if I do....

Usually, Sunday weddings end pretty early since everyone has to go to work on the Monday but this wedding went way into the night and by the time we packed up to go home it was well into the wee hours of the AM- just another testament to how incredible this party was.

And the best part, of course, was how happy the bride and groom were- they were beaming all night long and the energy they had radiated throughout the room. We had the BEST time and while I love all weddings, this one was so special and not just because I was an intimate part of it.

And thank god for Monday off because I was a hot mess yesterday. I willingly sat through a movie (Moonrise Kingdome, very cute, didn’t fidget until the final 30 minutes), ate Libretto and did not remove sweat pants from my body until bedtime. My calves sore from dancing, my eyes sore from having to pull off the mega lashes I wore, my hair sore from being done, my arms sore from who knows what, and my mouth sore from smiling so much.

So, best weekend ever leads to best week ever as we enter into Halloween/ my besties’ birthday/ celebrating our friends engagement! SO much joy!

Anywho, tonight my hubs and I will carve our pumpkin and decorate our house all spooky like for tomorrow. I am praying that the weather holds off tomorrow night- I dream of scaring kids all over my street in a ghost costume.

Xo,
Jane.