Eau de Toilette

So here at my office we have public washrooms. 

Obviously right? 



I am fortunate that they are tucked away privately, are clean, and amply sized. It certainly makes going to them less of a horror story- as has been the case in other communal washrooms. I have once had to use one that smelled like dirty old Chinese food and one where there were only 2 available stalls for 50 women.



What you learn in public bathrooms is that women are pigs. Sure, we don’t pee on the floor (often) and our washrooms don’t have the never ending smell of stale urine but I have seen things that would make anyone just barf. But that’s just disgusting to delve into and although I like to push boundaries, I also like to eat lunch and will be doing so shortly after this blog gets published. As such, I aim to save my stomach, if nothing else.



But here are 2 things that happened to me this morning that I needed to share.

So, as I said, big washroom- 6 stalls for a small group of people. My go-to is the second to last stall good old number 5. I find that it never looks unkempt. So there I am going about my business when 2 people enter the bathroom. One takes number 6, the other number 4. Why? Give me my fucking privacy people. I feel like it is an unwritten rule that you aim to take the stalls not bordering the occupied one if you can. They could. 
Stall 1 and 3 were totally fine and available. I think it is so rude or weird to choose to sit right next to someone while you do what you do. 
Maybe it is only my rule but I firmly stand by my washroom ideals.

Anyways- a mistake I am willing to overlook as I guess people are free to sit wherever they want. So fine, sit next to me ladies. Whatever. I can hear you pee.

So on my second visit this morning, I am in the stall and I hear someone, who has kindly sat 3 stalls away from me, taking a dump.
It is always kind of embarrassing to dump publicly and I get mega stage fright when I l know that people can hear but life is life and dumping is a part of it- a shitty part, but a part (please don’t pardon my pun).
So she is just going at it and amidst the sounds of dumping I hear hissing- really loud hissing noises. Intrigued, I linger at the sink wondering what on earth could be happening in that stall for a hiss to come out. Suddenly, and without warning the air in the huge washroom because musty, almost unbreathable and the smell of lavender (but fake lavender- not the good kind) is wafting through the air. 

I realize that this dumping woman is spraying an aerosol can of odor eaters to mask her poo.

I gag and make a run for the door knowing that without my consent, I will now spend the day with the faint aroma of cheap lavender bathroom lingering in my hair- my hair always catches smells, this will be no exception.

So first of all, don’t do that shit (again, note the pun) in public. 

Pubic bathrooms, even the most pristine ones always smell a bit like poo- how gross could you be that yours needs air treatment. Like perfume, I think it is SO inconsiderate to overdo a spray smell. I now have to find another floor to use the bathroom on or suffer migraines related to your spray and subsequent lingering odor all fucking day long.

Second, and this goes to pooers in public and private bathrooms alike. I get it, poo doesn't smell good, it is gross and it can be serious- BUT masking it with a fruit, laundry, herb, seabreeze or floral smell is SO much more awful. 

The bathroom I left didn’t end up smelling like lovely lavender- it smelled like air freshner lavender and poo. The smell of your choice does not eliminate the poo- it just adds right on so you get poo+rose, poo+juniper breeze, poo+coconut... You get the picture right?



I know it sounds so cliché but if you cant treat your bathroom the way you would at home- minus the raunch smells- those should just never be used- you deserve constipation.