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I have an ongoing love hate relationship with my gym instructor. I see her twice a week for 2 different classes and each time I see her I want to both kill her and be her best friend all at the same time.

Of course she is blond, young, skinny, and peppy- oh and of course tall but not in an amazon-ish way- just in the way that she looks even skinnier and better in everything she wears. Oh right., and she also has “natural” (or so she claims) tanned skin. Right? Of course she would. She probably shits gold too.

Now, obviously she is super motivating and super sweet to work out with- she encourages you to do the most you can but never chastises you for not- maybe it would help my cause if she barked commandments at me- then I would have a reason to swear at her over and over in my head. The “you can do its” just don’t warrant the curses I concoct for her.

What does warrant them though is that every class she teaches, she brings in a fucking Starbucks Frappuccino. Now first of all, it is hot as hell in these classes. I sweat like a pig in them (ok, not true, I actually never sweat like a pig and most of the time don’t sweat much at all- neither does my mom- I think it may be genetic) but either way I usually spend a lot of the time not cursing her, wishing I could grab her Frappuccino and dart out of the room with it- that or just dump it over my head and bathe in the icy caffeinated goodness. Second, fuck you. Really? It is so unfair that while I work out so that my ass doesn’t grow to become the size of a bean bag chair you casually sip on your stupid 4000 calorie drink. I bet hers isn’t even light- I will bet she takes the full calorie load and just loves it. I hate her/ want to enjoy a Starbucks drink with her. Oh the irony.

Now this part- this is the real kicker. She makes us do 5 minute planks in every class- I can do about 2 or 3 if I am feeling like a powerhouse- she asks for 5- you unreasonable jezebel. Unreasonable to me, yes but OF COURSE the bitch does them with us- and talks while doing them- talks about how great we all are and how good we will look from doing them

GO.TO. HELL.

Here I am panting away barely able to curse in my head let alone utter a word out loud and there she is just planking and chatting away- like she is relaxing on a beach or something- just casually chatting with friends. How do you not love/ hate her even more? She leads by example AND makes you feel inferior and empowered all at the same time.

Finally- you will not be surprised to hear that she has a great playlist that we listen to while she tortures us. A great fucking playlist. She uses songs I have never even heard of which makes me believe that she is way more hip to what young people listen to than me- which makes me feel old- which makes me hate her all the more (or want to drink a fountain of youth- whatever). So all the while I am hating on her- I am also slowly learning this great new music and hate myself when I catch myself singing along or worse- singing the songs later in the day outside of the class.

So to my Succubus of a gym teacher I thank you for being such an inspiring and wonderful teacher- and hate you for being blond perfection. Love you for your cool songs and motivating words, hate you for everything you stand for. Will continue to thrive in your classes twice a week and will also continue to think of ways to harm you.

Yours truly,

Jane.