Last night, I took the opportunity to unwind at a friend's house and indulge in a little guilty pleasure called “The Bachelor”- or in the case of this season, “The Bachelorette”. Meet Bachelorette Ashley- a reject from last season’s “Bachelor” show and quite possibly, the most annoying girl on the planet. This lady seriously embodies all that is wrong with girls and therefore obviously provides never-ending entertainment- like watching a pink, glittery train wreck that flips its hair a lot.
Now, I don’t really give a shit what Ashley is like. I’m not her friend, and I don’t think she would support my mission to wash my hair as little as possible in life- HOWEVER, it is that she is the epitome of what is wrong with SO many girls I know that gets my fingers typing.
In one word- desperate. This girl has desperation oozing from every pore in her body and – as you can imagine, it isn't a pretty sight.
Girls, take note of what is wrong with this nut-job and consider the issues as they may apply to your own lives. Seriously, let's get rid of all this crazy.....
Thing the first- Desperation is never cute. So, Ashley takes her first date to Vegas wherein she forces him to try wedding cake, pick out a wedding ring and march down a Vegas chapel aisle to “test” him and see if he is ready for commitment. I get that this show is about finding your husband/wife and I also get that for most, dating- and especially dating in your late 20’s- is much of the same. I am still pretty sure that if you touch on marriage within your first date as it could apply to the 2 of you- you are nuts. Nothing screams desperation like moving that fast. Ladies, please. If you feel the need to plan your wedding with your new boyfriend- refrain- not because you shouldn’t be yourself but because you should try to be a less psycho version of yourself. So how did her “test” work on the show? Well, she ended up canoeing through a man-made pond in Vegas, eating dinner and locking lips with one of the more boring bachelors, albeit a cute one. It was magic- and by magic I mean vile. This is what happens when you are so blatantly desperado that you invite your date to a chapel- you end up with a boring man, a boring kiss and yet you will convince yourself that this is “the best date of your life”. I die.
Thing the second- A different kind of desperation. The highlight of the episode was Bentley- a bachelor who is such a player that he even admitted to being a player. Listen, it’s not like I haven't dated assholes- because I sure have- but it is fucking brutal to watch this idiot girl make a prince charming out of a toad. Where the other men, (who for now, we will assume are gentlemen despite the obvious loser quality they all share for being on such a stupid-ass show), wanted to sit and talk with her and get to know her- Bentley wanted to get down to business. He even used the amazing line, one I haven't heard since high school of “ I don’t feel like talking” before kissing her. Red alert. If a guy who you are hoping will marry you one day uses a super-corny line on you and/or shuts you up in a get-to-know-you session to make out- he isn't the one for you. I promise. I learned this the hard way, as have many of the ladies in my life but if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck- it’s a duck- and by duck, I mean douche-bag. They both start with a D- deal with it.
Thing the third- a call to the dark side. Ladies, if a dude shows up in a mask, refuses to take off the mask and claims it is because he wants you to get to know him as a person first, then as a physical being- run. Run fast. Ashley, our paragon of good sense, kept her mask wearing bachelor again this week. The dude wears a fucking mask. And of course, it isn't even a good mask- you can totally see his face and unless he’s sporting some Mike Tyson tattoos on his eye, I am pretty sure you can tell exactly what he will look like unmasked. Of course, this all leads back to desperation because only a self loathing desperate girl would entertain such a psycho. I think that a good rule of thumb would be that if the guy you are meeting for the first time ever shows up with a mask, cape, or sword or any other device/costume that could suggest that he roams the streets at night as a vigilante or serial killer, run.
Thing the fourth- playing games. So on one of the one-on-one dates (I hate myself for knowing the terminology and using it so casually- oh, one-on-one dates- fuck me) she decides to flip coins to determine everything they will do. Hand in hand with desperation usually comes indecision. If you were confident enough to make some decisions and not “leave it to fate” you would likely be confident enough to throw the losers to the curb and be single over being an ass. Either way, here she is flipping away to decide everything from the ever-important red or white wine conundrum to whether or not she will give this guy a rose. Listen, logic would suggest that if you are having mixed feelings about someone and you are not certain- the answer is no. In life, there are lots of grey areas but do you want your lover to be one of them? Unsure means no- not “I’ll give it a chance to see what happens” how many times has that ever worked for anyone in love? no?
In one word- desperate. This girl has desperation oozing from every pore in her body and – as you can imagine, it isn't a pretty sight.
Girls, take note of what is wrong with this nut-job and consider the issues as they may apply to your own lives. Seriously, let's get rid of all this crazy.....
Thing the first- Desperation is never cute. So, Ashley takes her first date to Vegas wherein she forces him to try wedding cake, pick out a wedding ring and march down a Vegas chapel aisle to “test” him and see if he is ready for commitment. I get that this show is about finding your husband/wife and I also get that for most, dating- and especially dating in your late 20’s- is much of the same. I am still pretty sure that if you touch on marriage within your first date as it could apply to the 2 of you- you are nuts. Nothing screams desperation like moving that fast. Ladies, please. If you feel the need to plan your wedding with your new boyfriend- refrain- not because you shouldn’t be yourself but because you should try to be a less psycho version of yourself. So how did her “test” work on the show? Well, she ended up canoeing through a man-made pond in Vegas, eating dinner and locking lips with one of the more boring bachelors, albeit a cute one. It was magic- and by magic I mean vile. This is what happens when you are so blatantly desperado that you invite your date to a chapel- you end up with a boring man, a boring kiss and yet you will convince yourself that this is “the best date of your life”. I die.
Thing the second- A different kind of desperation. The highlight of the episode was Bentley- a bachelor who is such a player that he even admitted to being a player. Listen, it’s not like I haven't dated assholes- because I sure have- but it is fucking brutal to watch this idiot girl make a prince charming out of a toad. Where the other men, (who for now, we will assume are gentlemen despite the obvious loser quality they all share for being on such a stupid-ass show), wanted to sit and talk with her and get to know her- Bentley wanted to get down to business. He even used the amazing line, one I haven't heard since high school of “ I don’t feel like talking” before kissing her. Red alert. If a guy who you are hoping will marry you one day uses a super-corny line on you and/or shuts you up in a get-to-know-you session to make out- he isn't the one for you. I promise. I learned this the hard way, as have many of the ladies in my life but if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck- it’s a duck- and by duck, I mean douche-bag. They both start with a D- deal with it.
Thing the third- a call to the dark side. Ladies, if a dude shows up in a mask, refuses to take off the mask and claims it is because he wants you to get to know him as a person first, then as a physical being- run. Run fast. Ashley, our paragon of good sense, kept her mask wearing bachelor again this week. The dude wears a fucking mask. And of course, it isn't even a good mask- you can totally see his face and unless he’s sporting some Mike Tyson tattoos on his eye, I am pretty sure you can tell exactly what he will look like unmasked. Of course, this all leads back to desperation because only a self loathing desperate girl would entertain such a psycho. I think that a good rule of thumb would be that if the guy you are meeting for the first time ever shows up with a mask, cape, or sword or any other device/costume that could suggest that he roams the streets at night as a vigilante or serial killer, run.
Thing the fourth- playing games. So on one of the one-on-one dates (I hate myself for knowing the terminology and using it so casually- oh, one-on-one dates- fuck me) she decides to flip coins to determine everything they will do. Hand in hand with desperation usually comes indecision. If you were confident enough to make some decisions and not “leave it to fate” you would likely be confident enough to throw the losers to the curb and be single over being an ass. Either way, here she is flipping away to decide everything from the ever-important red or white wine conundrum to whether or not she will give this guy a rose. Listen, logic would suggest that if you are having mixed feelings about someone and you are not certain- the answer is no. In life, there are lots of grey areas but do you want your lover to be one of them? Unsure means no- not “I’ll give it a chance to see what happens” how many times has that ever worked for anyone in love? no?
Peoples, don’t be Ashley. She says at one point that she is so happy that the guys are excited that she is the Bachelorette and she is so happy that they like her- please don’t settle for so little. Too often I watch as friends date guys and the central thesis to their relationship is that he likes her, plain and simple. Well he damn well better like you- that should be a given not a bonus. Anyways, will I continue to watch this crazy needy stage 5 clinger as she gives women a bad name everywhere? Hell yes I will- I love me some reality TV but be forewarned ladies, and gents- this kind of dating only makes you a complete idiot- do not emulate the Bachelor/ette.
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