Smackdown

I was raised in a house with a 3 to one girl ratio. My dad was decidedly outnumbered and therefore had to get with girl stuff or be left behind. He has been the BEST sport and never was this more evident than when he came to all 8 bridal boutiques to watch me as I tried on countless wedding gowns all the while lamenting my various unflattered body parts and discussing appropriate bra support. He did it with a smile on his face and was the first to suggest we try another store when I could not find what I was looking for. My dad is seriously the best. In finishing that part of the story- I chose my dress based on the fact that when I came out and twirled around- he teared up. I never see him emotional like that so to me, that was it.

Anyways, at a very young age we realized that I was not athletically inclined. Fat children are never great at gymnastics, I ran like a duck that had been shot in the face so track and field or anything with running in it was out of the question, and my hand eye coordination was at a 2 month old baby level- at best. If you were to aim carefully and send a perfect pitch straight into my glove,  I would find a way to make sure it hit me in the face. I had a ski accident early in my ski career, a skating accident at the onset of that career, and basically was a lost cause to my dad who longed for someone to play catch with. Even rollerblading was an unsuccessful endeavor for us together as I was afraid of going too fast and therefore would scootch forward about 2 inches before slamming on the brake. I was the anti-boy.

I did however LOVE soap operas having been raised on Young and the Restless and Days of Our Lives- and yes, I do remember when Marlena was possessed by the devil…

Seeing an opportunity for some testosterone in the house, my dad acted fast and presented me with the BEST soap drama I would ever see. The WWF. It was incredible. People in costumes with crazy alter egos and even crazier music and even crazier hair fighting one another over a plethora of personal dramas. It touched on everything from love, friendship, politics and betrayal. I was hooked.

The fact that I had met my future husband through the WWF helped my addiction flourish. Me and Brett the Hitman Hart were destined to make a beautiful Hart foundation of our own- Jimmy the Mouth of the South would be our godfather of course, and British Bulldog, Jim the anvil Neidhart and Owen Hart would be the fun uncles- like full house- but in pink spandex.

I literally almost shat myself when at my Wrestemania themed birthday party (the first one- yes, I had 2) someone bought me a pair of the Hitman’s glasses. I would sleep with them for years to come while staring up at the life sized poster of him on my ceiling

Don’t think my father meant to fuel my teenage crushes but nevertheless it gave us a sport to bond over and we would sit for hours as the drama unfolded in the ring with the sounds of Mean Gene and then later Jerry the King’s voices narrating the action.

So some 20 years later, if you lave me alone on a Monday night I may or may not be watching RAW. I don’t care that it turned out to be fake, that Brett turned out to be married, that the Rockers never got back together, that somehow the Undertaker has never aged and that Mick Foley has been Cactus Jack, Dude Love and Mankind, that Dusty Rhodes became Goldust (which was one of the more atrocious characters on the show), and that over the years the once more wholesome plots have become all kinds of raunchy.

I lament the loss of midget wrestling with Doink and dread the thought of women wrestling. Dear Chyna, about your penis….

Overall, I just love it, it is a part of my being.

The best part of it all was when I took my dad to a show a few years ago and when, from the bleachers, we heckled the shit out of the wrestlers and “Hooooo-ed” along with the return of Hacksaw Jim Duggen I knew we had built a lifelong love with wrestling. I may never give a shit about anything to do with sports but if there is a fake match with well oiled men in spandex- you best bet I will be watching….mowahahahaha