Dear readers,
Is it not futile at this point to keep apologizing for late posts, or weeks without posts at all? Yes, it is so I wont but I will reiterate how world/life has been really kicking my ass lately. If my world was a mortal combat game, I would be losing. If it was X men versus Magnito, you best bet that I would be magnetized against a wall. If this was Hulk Hogan versus Andre the Giant in a Wrestlemania for the ultimate title match... I don’t know who I would be, but it would be as self pitying as my other references.
Anyways, I could regale you with tales of insomnia, or something equally mundane or we could discuss the thing that is on everyone’s mind; 50 Shades of Grey.
I totally swore to myself that after the Hunger Games, I was off books that would be made into movies starring Robert Pattinson (and ya, he is totally in the next hunger games, I am not cross referencing Twilight -k?- doubt he would be 50 Shades, but he seems like the broody male character that would fill the role). Anyways, swore off crap books and vowed to pick up the Murakami on my nightstand and delve in.
And then I met Christian Grey.
It was an accident really. I had heard the name but not been formally introduced until one fateful night out with friends, the wife of the couple we were with happened to have it lying around and asked me if I wanted to try it. And I totally know that this is sounding like a scenario where someone lures you into smoking for the first time or something, but it is just that addictive.
Anyways, I took it home swearing to just glance it over and then put it aside for an actual good read. 1 full book later, that didn’t happen. 50 Shades of Grey is just that good/bad.
In case you have been on another planet, this book is socially acceptable porn. Like full out, graphic porn but you can read it on the subway and the only “looks” you will receive are others like you that are trapped in the world of uber erotica and are ashamed to be imagining the red room of pain while surrounded by strangers in their work clothes.
It is possibly the worst written book I have ever read ever. BUT the ridiculously simple and horrific sentence structure and poor use of very layman language only serve to make you skim the crap parts of the book a bit faster and get to the nitty gritty.
And of course, like any “good love story” (and I put that in quotes to accentuate the fact that it is in fact a terrible love story) it totally makes the female character out to be a ridiculous joke of a female. Don’t want to ruin too much but the things that Ana is ready to overlook just from dude smiling her way is laughable. I have seen all those someecard things about being in love with the character of Christian Grey and ladies, if you in fact are in love with this character, I pity you.
So anyways, obviously finished book 1, promised myself a break and promptly got book 2 which is now significantly worse because the whole book is still written as bad AND the initial shock of the lewd sexuality is now diminished (I am fully still reading it, and book number 3 despite this).
So basically, read the book.
The end.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Dear dick...
To the stupid dick driving in his old ass Sebring this morning on Mount Pleasant heading south around 8:30am. You know what? Fuck you.
I have a serious bone to pick with you, driver of crappy car, and others like you who may drive better or worse cars but still mirror your horrible driving/ life skills.
Here goes.
I am very sure that you are indeed, the most important person in the whole world. Sure of it. I know that without you being wherever you had to be in such a rush, the world could have potentially imploded and life as we know it would have ceased to exist. Perhaps your old shit car was a disguise, a ruse you play on regular humanity to convince them that you do not in fact do god work and you are not in fact master of the universe. You wouldn’t want everyone to know how very very important you are or else they would know how to find you. Yes, the car must be a disguise for your otherwise super-hero like life.
That is it right? Because I cant think of any other normal reason to drive like such a stupid shit unless the very balance of all life is hanging in your Sebring steering wheel gripping hands.
So tell me, Batman of Toronto, am I right? This AM at 8:30 were we regular people blissfully unaware of the impending doom that threatened everything we know?
What's that? No? You are just a regular shmuck in your shit car trying to weave your way to freedom from traffic that just doesn't exist here in rush hour in the heart of the city?
Well, let me tell you something about that. First of all, it is really f-ing dangerous. You were cutting people off, hiding in blind spots and speeding like a demon down a normal street in the to-work commute. You drove like that right past 2 schools for children. What on earth could you have been thinking?
Not only to you outrage everyone around you, but you put the general public in danger when you behave like an animal the way you did.
People who do this kind of crap on the road are one of my top peeves. Don’t you have any self respect? How can you in good faith, put yourself in so much danger. You are not alone on the roads and even if you trust yourself to drive like a chimpanzee, how can you trust that everyone around you will react and drive accordingly? You are an accident waiting to happen and there are far too many of you out there for my personal liking.
Also, you made my husband upset and if we had even so much as run a curb because he was slightly agitated, that would have been your fault. Can you bear that weight?
Moreover, are you willing to bear the weight of causing a fucking accident?
Anyways, you are a dick and much like other people who irk me in life, I wish you unpleasant diarrhea.
Take heed jerkstore. Next time I may offer you more than a middle finger.
(unless in fact you are secret Batman hiding in disguise with a Sebring- in that case, you save that world mofo.)
Thank you,
Jane.
I have a serious bone to pick with you, driver of crappy car, and others like you who may drive better or worse cars but still mirror your horrible driving/ life skills.
Here goes.
I am very sure that you are indeed, the most important person in the whole world. Sure of it. I know that without you being wherever you had to be in such a rush, the world could have potentially imploded and life as we know it would have ceased to exist. Perhaps your old shit car was a disguise, a ruse you play on regular humanity to convince them that you do not in fact do god work and you are not in fact master of the universe. You wouldn’t want everyone to know how very very important you are or else they would know how to find you. Yes, the car must be a disguise for your otherwise super-hero like life.
That is it right? Because I cant think of any other normal reason to drive like such a stupid shit unless the very balance of all life is hanging in your Sebring steering wheel gripping hands.
So tell me, Batman of Toronto, am I right? This AM at 8:30 were we regular people blissfully unaware of the impending doom that threatened everything we know?
What's that? No? You are just a regular shmuck in your shit car trying to weave your way to freedom from traffic that just doesn't exist here in rush hour in the heart of the city?
Well, let me tell you something about that. First of all, it is really f-ing dangerous. You were cutting people off, hiding in blind spots and speeding like a demon down a normal street in the to-work commute. You drove like that right past 2 schools for children. What on earth could you have been thinking?
Not only to you outrage everyone around you, but you put the general public in danger when you behave like an animal the way you did.
People who do this kind of crap on the road are one of my top peeves. Don’t you have any self respect? How can you in good faith, put yourself in so much danger. You are not alone on the roads and even if you trust yourself to drive like a chimpanzee, how can you trust that everyone around you will react and drive accordingly? You are an accident waiting to happen and there are far too many of you out there for my personal liking.
Also, you made my husband upset and if we had even so much as run a curb because he was slightly agitated, that would have been your fault. Can you bear that weight?
Moreover, are you willing to bear the weight of causing a fucking accident?
Anyways, you are a dick and much like other people who irk me in life, I wish you unpleasant diarrhea.
Take heed jerkstore. Next time I may offer you more than a middle finger.
(unless in fact you are secret Batman hiding in disguise with a Sebring- in that case, you save that world mofo.)
Thank you,
Jane.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Pardon me but you have crap on your face.
So the other day I was riding the subway to work with my husband and once aboard and face to face with him on the crowded and dreaded super-subway I noticed some dried gunk on his face. Whatever, gunk happens so I reached and began to scratch it off with my nail.
He was obviously immediately embarrassed ad said so, out loud to which the man behind me replied "you got nothing to be embarrassed about brother". First of all, NICE MAN!! He totally made me smile and his sweet interjection into a totally private moment was actually welcome and appreciated... and I am totes not being sarcastic- it was really great.
Anyways, this of course got me thinking about when you (and you being anyone) have food or crap on your face and you are in public with someone who notices said food/crap.
K, I hate that moment when someone tells you something embarrassing about you- like your fly is undone or you have a wedge of broccoli in your teeth- but so much worse when no one tells you and then hours later you look in the mirror, realize that you spent your whole day looking like an asshole.
Alls I am saying is that you should be so lucky to have a friend or wife who will not only tell you about it but then pick the gunk off of your face. I think it would be embarrassing NOT to have someone like that around you.
The end.
He was obviously immediately embarrassed ad said so, out loud to which the man behind me replied "you got nothing to be embarrassed about brother". First of all, NICE MAN!! He totally made me smile and his sweet interjection into a totally private moment was actually welcome and appreciated... and I am totes not being sarcastic- it was really great.
Anyways, this of course got me thinking about when you (and you being anyone) have food or crap on your face and you are in public with someone who notices said food/crap.
K, I hate that moment when someone tells you something embarrassing about you- like your fly is undone or you have a wedge of broccoli in your teeth- but so much worse when no one tells you and then hours later you look in the mirror, realize that you spent your whole day looking like an asshole.
Alls I am saying is that you should be so lucky to have a friend or wife who will not only tell you about it but then pick the gunk off of your face. I think it would be embarrassing NOT to have someone like that around you.
The end.
Monday, May 14, 2012
10K...done!
Happy Monday dear readers.
Yesterday, May 13th at 7:45 am I got in my coral lineup and waited for the sound off to mark my 10k start. If you have read me this last little while, you will know that I have been training to run this race for a long ass time and so, as you can only imagine, I was a bit nervous about this day.
Well nerves be gone because day is done, gone the sun and I did it!
That’s right- this arm flailing, 2 left feet, no stamina, thought she would have a heart attack if she ran too hard ran that mofo the whole way through which is truly proof that if you want to do something, you can.
Sure, my legs feel like lead bricks and sure, my hips are cursing at me every time I breath- but the satisfaction of getting that off my bucket list is unparallel.
Now, the morning didn’t begin as I had imagined (me leaping out of bed at 6:30 am, excited by the possibility of the day and abound with energy) and instead was a bit of a grump-fest. My husband, who ran with me, was feeling like crap and subsequently less than enthusiastic about the run.
But once you get to the Sporting Life start gate, it is impossible to stay grumpy. The energy and the crowd is truly inspiring and seeing how many people are there and are about to attempt the 10k is equally amazing. Plus Nike, clever clever Nike created little signs that you could pin on the back of your bright yellow top that said Never. Stop _________. People filled in their blank line with tons of different inspirational messages which was nice but it served more than just a message board purpose... Every time I felt like I wanted to slow down or give up, I looked up at the upper ass of the person in front of me and read that line “never stop” and I obeyed.
Plus I got to run almost the whole thing with my friend and my husband- he left me at 5k to pee and she left me at 7k to sprint ahead... But the best was at 9k when I really wanted to just walk the last stretch, my legs were burning and I was just done, my husband caught up to me and we got to finish the race together. He was totally my inspiration (loves you)
Needless to say, we took an epic nap, I forgot about the entire pizza and box of chocolate that I ate the night before (to carb-load, of course, not to just be a gluttonous pig....)
Had the first good sleep of my month courtesy of my aching body and physical exhaustion and m ade a vow to another 10k by summers end.
Yes, meet my new addiction folks, running.
Oh, and I would be wrong not to acknowledge the most wonderful sales girl at Lululemon who outfitted me with the most amazing running shirt eves. This shirt is like a magic shirt. It is UV protecting, anti bacterial, wicks away moisture and is as light as a feather. I think it is their Silver line- you should buy that shit. And it is hella cute. What what.
Anyways, spending brunch and dinner with my mother in law and mother was the best way to end a totally amazing morning! Hope you all had a faboosh weekend too. Cheers to the summer, feels like it is finally here!
Yesterday, May 13th at 7:45 am I got in my coral lineup and waited for the sound off to mark my 10k start. If you have read me this last little while, you will know that I have been training to run this race for a long ass time and so, as you can only imagine, I was a bit nervous about this day.
Well nerves be gone because day is done, gone the sun and I did it!
That’s right- this arm flailing, 2 left feet, no stamina, thought she would have a heart attack if she ran too hard ran that mofo the whole way through which is truly proof that if you want to do something, you can.
Sure, my legs feel like lead bricks and sure, my hips are cursing at me every time I breath- but the satisfaction of getting that off my bucket list is unparallel.
Now, the morning didn’t begin as I had imagined (me leaping out of bed at 6:30 am, excited by the possibility of the day and abound with energy) and instead was a bit of a grump-fest. My husband, who ran with me, was feeling like crap and subsequently less than enthusiastic about the run.
But once you get to the Sporting Life start gate, it is impossible to stay grumpy. The energy and the crowd is truly inspiring and seeing how many people are there and are about to attempt the 10k is equally amazing. Plus Nike, clever clever Nike created little signs that you could pin on the back of your bright yellow top that said Never. Stop _________. People filled in their blank line with tons of different inspirational messages which was nice but it served more than just a message board purpose... Every time I felt like I wanted to slow down or give up, I looked up at the upper ass of the person in front of me and read that line “never stop” and I obeyed.
Plus I got to run almost the whole thing with my friend and my husband- he left me at 5k to pee and she left me at 7k to sprint ahead... But the best was at 9k when I really wanted to just walk the last stretch, my legs were burning and I was just done, my husband caught up to me and we got to finish the race together. He was totally my inspiration (loves you)
Needless to say, we took an epic nap, I forgot about the entire pizza and box of chocolate that I ate the night before (to carb-load, of course, not to just be a gluttonous pig....)
Had the first good sleep of my month courtesy of my aching body and physical exhaustion and m ade a vow to another 10k by summers end.
Yes, meet my new addiction folks, running.
Oh, and I would be wrong not to acknowledge the most wonderful sales girl at Lululemon who outfitted me with the most amazing running shirt eves. This shirt is like a magic shirt. It is UV protecting, anti bacterial, wicks away moisture and is as light as a feather. I think it is their Silver line- you should buy that shit. And it is hella cute. What what.
Anyways, spending brunch and dinner with my mother in law and mother was the best way to end a totally amazing morning! Hope you all had a faboosh weekend too. Cheers to the summer, feels like it is finally here!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Dreeeeeam. dream dream dream...
So, it is Thursday and obv my mind wanders to the upcoming weekend....
Espesh after having such a dismal week.
Have you ever had insomnia? I battle with sleep often and badly- so I know my dear friend insomnia quite well. I always think it is the yang to the yin of having an active mind- in times of creating, talking, exploring, having an active mind is the bomb- in times of stress and anxiety, it is what leads me to remain sleepless for weeks on end.
People often think insomniacs do not sleep at all. This is incorrect. Insomnia, in case you are in need of a quick tutorial is marked by several symptoms including
So I sleep, certainly, but have the most awful sleeps making me wish I could just not sleep to avoid the fake sleep I am otherwise experiencing. And it isnt like I am wired, on drugs or heavily caffinated either. In fact, more often than not I have had sleepytime tea or another equally sedative pre-bed concoction....
Here is my typical insomniac night;
Get in bed and read/ watch whatever my hubs is watching on tv
Turn off lights
Remember I have to pee
Get back into bed and try and get comfortable
Cant get comfortable begin to jimmy feet
Realize that all my jimmying has made me have to pee again
Get back into bed and repeat being uncomfortable
Realize it has been an hour since lights off and my level of discomfort has now make me wide awake
Think
Realize another hour has gone by
Debate taking a sleeping pill
(hour will determine whether or not this happens)
Go back to bed and keep my eyes closed until I fall asleep
Sleep restlessly and dreamlessly for 2-3 hours
Wake up and realize I still have 1-2 more hours of precious sleep until I actually have to be up again
Finally fall asleep into a restful sleep only to get woken up by my stupid alarm too soon after.
Find getting out of bed painstakingly awful
Do it and continue the day exhausted
Drink coffee
Repeat.
In the meantime, my husband snores peacefully beside me and the rest of the sleeping world rests their weary heads and recoup.
Anywho, it is starting to make me feel wonky but usually comes and goes in and around 3 weeks- which frankly is the maximum amount of time it takes to go actually insane.
But I have more to bitch about. Being sleepless makes me irritable (or PMS does, either or)
Sweet dreams....
Espesh after having such a dismal week.
Have you ever had insomnia? I battle with sleep often and badly- so I know my dear friend insomnia quite well. I always think it is the yang to the yin of having an active mind- in times of creating, talking, exploring, having an active mind is the bomb- in times of stress and anxiety, it is what leads me to remain sleepless for weeks on end.
People often think insomniacs do not sleep at all. This is incorrect. Insomnia, in case you are in need of a quick tutorial is marked by several symptoms including
- Trouble falling asleep on most nights
- Feeling tired during the day or falling asleep during the day
- Not feeling refreshed when you wake up
- Waking up several times during sleep
So I sleep, certainly, but have the most awful sleeps making me wish I could just not sleep to avoid the fake sleep I am otherwise experiencing. And it isnt like I am wired, on drugs or heavily caffinated either. In fact, more often than not I have had sleepytime tea or another equally sedative pre-bed concoction....
Here is my typical insomniac night;
Get in bed and read/ watch whatever my hubs is watching on tv
Turn off lights
Remember I have to pee
Get back into bed and try and get comfortable
Cant get comfortable begin to jimmy feet
Realize that all my jimmying has made me have to pee again
Get back into bed and repeat being uncomfortable
Realize it has been an hour since lights off and my level of discomfort has now make me wide awake
Think
Realize another hour has gone by
Debate taking a sleeping pill
(hour will determine whether or not this happens)
Go back to bed and keep my eyes closed until I fall asleep
Sleep restlessly and dreamlessly for 2-3 hours
Wake up and realize I still have 1-2 more hours of precious sleep until I actually have to be up again
Finally fall asleep into a restful sleep only to get woken up by my stupid alarm too soon after.
Find getting out of bed painstakingly awful
Do it and continue the day exhausted
Drink coffee
Repeat.
In the meantime, my husband snores peacefully beside me and the rest of the sleeping world rests their weary heads and recoup.
Anywho, it is starting to make me feel wonky but usually comes and goes in and around 3 weeks- which frankly is the maximum amount of time it takes to go actually insane.
But I have more to bitch about. Being sleepless makes me irritable (or PMS does, either or)
Sweet dreams....
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Nose to tail
So, it has been a while again... Since we last spoke- frig, New York was long ago now....
Whateves, we have a lot going on right now- for starters, we bought a house! You can only imagine the amount of time this now occupies in my life, what with pulling inspiration pictures of anything home ware related that has antlers....
But I took some time off this past weekend from my busy taxidermy research schedule to have some fun (and I am totes joking about taxidermy, no animal heads will be chez moi).
Red Hot Chili Peppers. Did that on Friday night. The show was amazing! Granted we had fabulous seats and great company, but they were really good- so fun and so many great songs and homeboys can move- handstands, head banging... Shit was cray cray.
BUT, do you know how old these dudes are? 49. 4fing9. They are almost 50 years old and had more energy in them than I could ever dream of having. And sure, it is kind of raunch to watch Flea thrust his pelvis at the audience when they zoom in on his face and you see it in it’s close up wrinkle, aged-ness- there is def something grossy about a wrinkled old man thrusting at you right?
And how does one, at 50 keep up with the hottest street trends for 19 years olds and hipsters alike? They work, beaters with knee socks and pants with one leg up and one down, chucks, moustaches and nazi hair. They looked like all my friends in advertising, but 50.
Whatevs, you have to give mad props to anyone who has been playing concerts for 30 years and still can kill it on a 2 night concert with sold out stadium audiences.
Anyways- watching such fing great music made us hungry so we went over to Ossington to eat. Why don’t restaurants serve food past 11? They should. But in a lucky turn of events, we were guided by our hunger to a place that does serve late night food- the Black Hoof.
It was on my list so I was SO happy to try it finally after hearing rumors of marrow and sweetbreads for so long...
My complaint, the drinks. I am SO happy to pay 12 dollars for a cocktail, but it had better be good. Parts and Labor, Origins...they make some serious expensive cocktails that get you hella drunk and taste like heaven. This Hoof drink, despite having tequila in it (which always F’s me up) was kind of weak- so were the scotch cocktails the boys had.
Onto the food though because a few glasses of vino later and I could have cared less about my cocktails...
Plate 1- Olives and bread. They heat the olives. Warm olives make me the happiest.
Plate 2- the Marrow. A big ass bone sliced in half with succulent marrow ready to be spread onto a croustini with chimichurri spread.
Plate 3- Charcuterie. You could have just died when you saw how much eat was on this plate. Cured duck, blueberry infused salami, summer sausage, pork heart with fennel, and about 6-8 other cured meats. Le drool.
Plate 4- Tuna crudo- melt in your mouth tuna with compressed kolbi and parsnip puree. Eat this- best thing I had fo sho.
Plate 5- Pork tacos. Tacos, so hot right now.
Plate 6- Beef tendon over cheesy grits- and yes, beef tendon is actually the slimy gluttonous cartilage that binds your joints or whatever. It tasted, you will be happy to hear, exactly as one might imagine.
Plate 7- (I tapped out on this one) Fois Gras with Nutella on banana bread. The mere thought of trying fois gras again made me want to barf out my tendon. It was apparently amazing. Ok
Needless to say, despite it being a great meal, I don’t think my body can handle going back again. I had meat sweats, meat dreams and everything else meat for days after- I even dubbed my morning after as meat hangover. I actually spent several hours on the couch with a friend who had dined there the night before too at an earlier time slot- we both clutched our bellies, drank tea and compared the merits of blood sausage to blood custard.
Anywho, go, try it- you really should... They don’t get ranked as best restaurant for nothing, that is for sure.
Ate essentially a whole animal NBD
Whateves, we have a lot going on right now- for starters, we bought a house! You can only imagine the amount of time this now occupies in my life, what with pulling inspiration pictures of anything home ware related that has antlers....
But I took some time off this past weekend from my busy taxidermy research schedule to have some fun (and I am totes joking about taxidermy, no animal heads will be chez moi).
Red Hot Chili Peppers. Did that on Friday night. The show was amazing! Granted we had fabulous seats and great company, but they were really good- so fun and so many great songs and homeboys can move- handstands, head banging... Shit was cray cray.
BUT, do you know how old these dudes are? 49. 4fing9. They are almost 50 years old and had more energy in them than I could ever dream of having. And sure, it is kind of raunch to watch Flea thrust his pelvis at the audience when they zoom in on his face and you see it in it’s close up wrinkle, aged-ness- there is def something grossy about a wrinkled old man thrusting at you right?
And how does one, at 50 keep up with the hottest street trends for 19 years olds and hipsters alike? They work, beaters with knee socks and pants with one leg up and one down, chucks, moustaches and nazi hair. They looked like all my friends in advertising, but 50.
Whatevs, you have to give mad props to anyone who has been playing concerts for 30 years and still can kill it on a 2 night concert with sold out stadium audiences.
Anyways- watching such fing great music made us hungry so we went over to Ossington to eat. Why don’t restaurants serve food past 11? They should. But in a lucky turn of events, we were guided by our hunger to a place that does serve late night food- the Black Hoof.
It was on my list so I was SO happy to try it finally after hearing rumors of marrow and sweetbreads for so long...
My complaint, the drinks. I am SO happy to pay 12 dollars for a cocktail, but it had better be good. Parts and Labor, Origins...they make some serious expensive cocktails that get you hella drunk and taste like heaven. This Hoof drink, despite having tequila in it (which always F’s me up) was kind of weak- so were the scotch cocktails the boys had.
Onto the food though because a few glasses of vino later and I could have cared less about my cocktails...
Plate 1- Olives and bread. They heat the olives. Warm olives make me the happiest.
Plate 2- the Marrow. A big ass bone sliced in half with succulent marrow ready to be spread onto a croustini with chimichurri spread.
Plate 3- Charcuterie. You could have just died when you saw how much eat was on this plate. Cured duck, blueberry infused salami, summer sausage, pork heart with fennel, and about 6-8 other cured meats. Le drool.
Plate 4- Tuna crudo- melt in your mouth tuna with compressed kolbi and parsnip puree. Eat this- best thing I had fo sho.
Plate 5- Pork tacos. Tacos, so hot right now.
Plate 6- Beef tendon over cheesy grits- and yes, beef tendon is actually the slimy gluttonous cartilage that binds your joints or whatever. It tasted, you will be happy to hear, exactly as one might imagine.
Plate 7- (I tapped out on this one) Fois Gras with Nutella on banana bread. The mere thought of trying fois gras again made me want to barf out my tendon. It was apparently amazing. Ok
Needless to say, despite it being a great meal, I don’t think my body can handle going back again. I had meat sweats, meat dreams and everything else meat for days after- I even dubbed my morning after as meat hangover. I actually spent several hours on the couch with a friend who had dined there the night before too at an earlier time slot- we both clutched our bellies, drank tea and compared the merits of blood sausage to blood custard.
Anywho, go, try it- you really should... They don’t get ranked as best restaurant for nothing, that is for sure.
Ate essentially a whole animal NBD
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