Food 101

So this past Sunday I had the honor of being thrown the most lovely high tea party in the world. Surrounded by all the women in my family I could not have felt more excited and special and though I barely rambled through an awkward speech of thanks, I was most appreciative.

My family, both immediate and otherwise, really likes high tea- it is our get together of choice for many of the celebrations we have in our group and we have even had casual tea on a weekend afternoon just for the hell of it.

High tea is- not just a clever name- tea. You choose from a box of teas and enjoy the tea coupled with crumpets, scones and mini sandwiches and desserts on tiered platters. It is fancy, and ever-indulgent and everything comes with clotted cream- which, unlike the name, is VERY appealing and delicious (clotted cream- who ever thought of that name? Why not something equally appetizing like discharge cream? just saying).

So sitting there at the head of the table, presented with my tiered platter of food, donned the appropriate tea skirt, folded napkin in my lap,  elbows off the table I proceeded to eat every fucking thing in my sight at lightening speed.


And that, dear readers is why I suck and fancy food things.

I was raised by parents who are the children of WW2 immigrants. This is the only explanation I can think of to justify my family eating every meal as if bombs are approaching from enemy lines (and don't even get me started on the hoarding of canned goods). Formal sit down dinners in my house range in time from 30-45 minutes at the absolute max with most of the table up and about by about 20 minutes in- a normal weekday meal can go in as little as 15 minutes.

So, of course when I eat with people who do not vacuum their food up without chewing first, I am always first finished by a long shot. An embarrassingly long shot.

Like my tier of food on Sunday. 2 smoked salmon mini sandwiches were gone before the lovely server poured my tea- the egg ones followed VERY shortly thereafter and by the time most people were enjoying their first or second mini sandwich I had already sampled all desserts and was picking at my scone.

It was at this moment that I promised myself to try and make my meals last longer (notwithstanding the cheap caf sushi that i just shoveled into my face directly after a grueling workout just now....
I really don't want to always be first to lick the plate.

My only real saving grace is that my fiance was raised in a like family and thus also practices food inhalation. We often joke about trying to "slow down" our dinners out- but without the influence of company, he and I often find ourselves on dinner dates that go at a super speed level. simmer down,


At least he doesn't make me self conscious.

So how do you eat dear reader? 20 chews per bite? sips of water in between every 2 bites (these are the helpful hints I found on google so far)- help me in my new endeavor and share your eating habits- even if you too could eat a whole cake in one serving....