4AM Delights.

An ode to a to-be-unnamed giant cosmetic retailer (and by ode, I mean the exact opposite of an ode),

I have been a devout fan of your stores since I knew how to properly line my eyes and understood that bright blue eye shadow was meant to be ironic and hip, not glamorous. My most favorite lines are carried in your store, I have used many a gift certificate received for my birthdays with you, and prior to now, I would pop in anytime I passed you by just for a small treat for myself which you have in abundance.

However. The last time I came to visit you I did something I never usually do and signed up for your email list with the promise of tons of free goodies and unbelievable specials exclusive to your email lists.

My, how deceptive you were.

Apparently to you, free goods means free after you spend 100 dollars in store and special offers means that they email you things like “spend 100 dollars in-store and get free goods”- same same but different.

Now, I understand the marketing techniques being employed here, I do, and as such I cannot possibly shame or blame you for trying to make me spend my money in your store for the promise of a sample sized out of date nail polish color or some shitty mascara. But what I can blame you for is this:

Every single solitary morning since subscribing to your email blasts I receive one at 4am. As a professional who is on-call I am required to have my cell phone on and available overnight and as a daughter, granddaughter, sister and friend I leave it on in case of emergency. Last year at 3 am my best friend called me as she went into labor. Reminding me to come in for your 15% off sale where I can enter a draw to win a heinous orange lipstick hardly seems the same level of urgency.  

I don’t care that you don’t specifically aim to piss me off ever morning at 4am by waking me from my sleep, you do.

I cant even ignore you as my phone will persistently beep until I acknowledge your stupid message.

So, I unsubscribed to your emails and decided that I felt strongly enough about this annoyance to write a letter of complain to your company.

In my most eloquent terms I explained the annoyance I felt at being terrorized by your early morning emails and suggested that you modify your timing for the blasts. You never wrote me back to acknowledge this letter.

2 months ago I wrote a similar letter to a company that makes those salads in those plastic boxes letting them know that their food is always rotten when I purchase it- they did not bother to respond wither leading me to purchase their competitor products and perform mild vigilantism to their section of the produce area each time I have the chance.

So to my former favorite place to shop- here is a big middle finger in the air to you and your crap customer service.  Not only have you lost a customer but I have also shared with many the virtues of purchasing cosmetics at a small boutique versus a major chain store to avoid things like fecal matter in the tester product- and yes, that really exists .

HA. ON. YOU.