3 wise men

So after visiting the mall this past weekend on a Sunday, just for sheer torture, I realized that the mall on a rainy Sunday afternoon gives me so much material to rant about! Almost worth visiting more often minus the woman with her 17 children who just had to share the elevator in Old Navy with us where we got an up close and personal view of what 17 kids picking their noses simultaneously looks like- also minus the bitch who elbowed my boyfriend in Aritzia, even though he was not in her way, while dragging her young daughter by the arm out of the store (a promising start to a future manner-less mall rat).

Anyways, so my boyfriend is a bit of a shoe nut and after almost a year of hoarding mall gift certificates bestowed on him for his birthday last summer, he decided to cash in on a pair of sweet kicks. Obviously, once he had decided to finally buy something, said shoes could just not be found and in their places where a plethora of hella ugo footwear suitable for a man who would idolize “the situation.”

The highlight of this men’s shoe experience- which I see very little of on the regular- was the fancy shoe section of the fancy department store. Among the rows of completely ostentatious Prada shiny loafers and unnecessary Burbaerry “runners” was the most heinous offender- the Gucci casual lace ups. Oh Em Gee- who in the world wears these shoes?

These shoes are just a walking advertisement for a complete douchebag, and the brand, I suppose. The 2 highlights were hightops with the Gucci stripe featured right over the main part of the foot- extra large and red polka dot cut outs on the high part and a lace up pair covered in the Gucci emblem- similar to looking at a Louis Vitton shoe a la their emblem purse. They both looked like someone ate and then vomited Gucci all over a pair of keds. This was the most heinous thing I have seen since the Gucci pouch (because nothing says classy like a designer fanny pack)

So seriously, who wears these things? What jerk is roaming the streets of Toronto rocking these babies?
Is it not embarrassing enough to spend over 500 dollars for a non athletetic- completely functionless street shoe? Do you really want to advertise it further by wearing a full logo on your foot?

I imagine that you fall into one of three categories;

1. you just have no style. For you, I feel badly because you probably think that anything sold in this “trend setting” and “cutting fashion edge” store is cool. You likely made the purchase assuming that you would be heralded for your ambitious efforts in fashion footwear and spending prowess. You are excused as long as it doesn’t happen again. If the shoe says the designers name on it or has a huge logo by them, it is just as bad as buying Ed Hardy.
2. you are a night clubber, you make little money and spend what you do make on unnecessary expensive items to try and give off an aura of wealthy- like as if you don’t even care that your shoes cost 500 dollars or more, that is just how you roll in your fabulous life. Meanwhile, your underwear of from the 80’s and has skid marks and holes. You have great priorities when it comes to really just being yourself. Girls can smell right through your wall of Christain Lacroix and when your shoes become the first item of early spring to hit the sale rack and you realize that you are left with last seasons rejects, think twice before buying the new- glitterized versions for the summer.
3. you are actually rich and want everyone to know it. You wear obnoxious pink print shirts with too much chest hair showing for you not to be at Mansion in Miami. Your jeans are obviously at least True Religion- and mostly because the identifiable stitching lets everyone know that you don’t mind spending 400 dollars on pants that completely show the outline of your not so outline worthy package. You probably chew gum non stop, talk extra loud on your cell phone, as if anyone could care less, about your courtside Raptors tickets (um, hey, pretty sure we have the shittiest team in the league- brag worthy? Not really- just saying) and you may or may not be accompanied by your mini- me son who will grow up thinking that bottle service is a sexy way to meet ladies or a wife/ girlfriend who has had one to many botox injections making her look  something like a blond Janice Dickenson. So good for you sir, bravo. It is wonderful  to see a true shining beacon of evidence that money just cant buy class but can buy butt-ugly shoes.

So dear men, stick with the basics. I promise no one has ever gone wrong with a pair of chucks, some nice loafers or functional runners.

As a side, I don’t hate Gucci-just several of their “accessories”- this author does not ever hate on any designers and while she certainly has her preferences, she respects that art and beauty behind each house. As long as you don’t have a flagship store in a mall, you are worthy of awe despite your ug shoes.