3 wise men

So after visiting the mall this past weekend on a Sunday, just for sheer torture, I realized that the mall on a rainy Sunday afternoon gives me so much material to rant about! Almost worth visiting more often minus the woman with her 17 children who just had to share the elevator in Old Navy with us where we got an up close and personal view of what 17 kids picking their noses simultaneously looks like- also minus the bitch who elbowed my boyfriend in Aritzia, even though he was not in her way, while dragging her young daughter by the arm out of the store (a promising start to a future manner-less mall rat).

Anyways, so my boyfriend is a bit of a shoe nut and after almost a year of hoarding mall gift certificates bestowed on him for his birthday last summer, he decided to cash in on a pair of sweet kicks. Obviously, once he had decided to finally buy something, said shoes could just not be found and in their places where a plethora of hella ugo footwear suitable for a man who would idolize “the situation.”

The highlight of this men’s shoe experience- which I see very little of on the regular- was the fancy shoe section of the fancy department store. Among the rows of completely ostentatious Prada shiny loafers and unnecessary Burbaerry “runners” was the most heinous offender- the Gucci casual lace ups. Oh Em Gee- who in the world wears these shoes?

These shoes are just a walking advertisement for a complete douchebag, and the brand, I suppose. The 2 highlights were hightops with the Gucci stripe featured right over the main part of the foot- extra large and red polka dot cut outs on the high part and a lace up pair covered in the Gucci emblem- similar to looking at a Louis Vitton shoe a la their emblem purse. They both looked like someone ate and then vomited Gucci all over a pair of keds. This was the most heinous thing I have seen since the Gucci pouch (because nothing says classy like a designer fanny pack)

So seriously, who wears these things? What jerk is roaming the streets of Toronto rocking these babies?
Is it not embarrassing enough to spend over 500 dollars for a non athletetic- completely functionless street shoe? Do you really want to advertise it further by wearing a full logo on your foot?

I imagine that you fall into one of three categories;

1. you just have no style. For you, I feel badly because you probably think that anything sold in this “trend setting” and “cutting fashion edge” store is cool. You likely made the purchase assuming that you would be heralded for your ambitious efforts in fashion footwear and spending prowess. You are excused as long as it doesn’t happen again. If the shoe says the designers name on it or has a huge logo by them, it is just as bad as buying Ed Hardy.
2. you are a night clubber, you make little money and spend what you do make on unnecessary expensive items to try and give off an aura of wealthy- like as if you don’t even care that your shoes cost 500 dollars or more, that is just how you roll in your fabulous life. Meanwhile, your underwear of from the 80’s and has skid marks and holes. You have great priorities when it comes to really just being yourself. Girls can smell right through your wall of Christain Lacroix and when your shoes become the first item of early spring to hit the sale rack and you realize that you are left with last seasons rejects, think twice before buying the new- glitterized versions for the summer.
3. you are actually rich and want everyone to know it. You wear obnoxious pink print shirts with too much chest hair showing for you not to be at Mansion in Miami. Your jeans are obviously at least True Religion- and mostly because the identifiable stitching lets everyone know that you don’t mind spending 400 dollars on pants that completely show the outline of your not so outline worthy package. You probably chew gum non stop, talk extra loud on your cell phone, as if anyone could care less, about your courtside Raptors tickets (um, hey, pretty sure we have the shittiest team in the league- brag worthy? Not really- just saying) and you may or may not be accompanied by your mini- me son who will grow up thinking that bottle service is a sexy way to meet ladies or a wife/ girlfriend who has had one to many botox injections making her look  something like a blond Janice Dickenson. So good for you sir, bravo. It is wonderful  to see a true shining beacon of evidence that money just cant buy class but can buy butt-ugly shoes.

So dear men, stick with the basics. I promise no one has ever gone wrong with a pair of chucks, some nice loafers or functional runners.

As a side, I don’t hate Gucci-just several of their “accessories”- this author does not ever hate on any designers and while she certainly has her preferences, she respects that art and beauty behind each house. As long as you don’t have a flagship store in a mall, you are worthy of awe despite your ug shoes.

4AM Delights.

An ode to a to-be-unnamed giant cosmetic retailer (and by ode, I mean the exact opposite of an ode),

I have been a devout fan of your stores since I knew how to properly line my eyes and understood that bright blue eye shadow was meant to be ironic and hip, not glamorous. My most favorite lines are carried in your store, I have used many a gift certificate received for my birthdays with you, and prior to now, I would pop in anytime I passed you by just for a small treat for myself which you have in abundance.

However. The last time I came to visit you I did something I never usually do and signed up for your email list with the promise of tons of free goodies and unbelievable specials exclusive to your email lists.

My, how deceptive you were.

Apparently to you, free goods means free after you spend 100 dollars in store and special offers means that they email you things like “spend 100 dollars in-store and get free goods”- same same but different.

Now, I understand the marketing techniques being employed here, I do, and as such I cannot possibly shame or blame you for trying to make me spend my money in your store for the promise of a sample sized out of date nail polish color or some shitty mascara. But what I can blame you for is this:

Every single solitary morning since subscribing to your email blasts I receive one at 4am. As a professional who is on-call I am required to have my cell phone on and available overnight and as a daughter, granddaughter, sister and friend I leave it on in case of emergency. Last year at 3 am my best friend called me as she went into labor. Reminding me to come in for your 15% off sale where I can enter a draw to win a heinous orange lipstick hardly seems the same level of urgency.  

I don’t care that you don’t specifically aim to piss me off ever morning at 4am by waking me from my sleep, you do.

I cant even ignore you as my phone will persistently beep until I acknowledge your stupid message.

So, I unsubscribed to your emails and decided that I felt strongly enough about this annoyance to write a letter of complain to your company.

In my most eloquent terms I explained the annoyance I felt at being terrorized by your early morning emails and suggested that you modify your timing for the blasts. You never wrote me back to acknowledge this letter.

2 months ago I wrote a similar letter to a company that makes those salads in those plastic boxes letting them know that their food is always rotten when I purchase it- they did not bother to respond wither leading me to purchase their competitor products and perform mild vigilantism to their section of the produce area each time I have the chance.

So to my former favorite place to shop- here is a big middle finger in the air to you and your crap customer service.  Not only have you lost a customer but I have also shared with many the virtues of purchasing cosmetics at a small boutique versus a major chain store to avoid things like fecal matter in the tester product- and yes, that really exists .

HA. ON. YOU.

I like the way you work it,

To the guy on the subway,
Guy. You were the absolute highlight of my day on the subway ride downtown the other day. I was not expecting much from my ride, and in fact had resigned myself to an eventless trip. I find that "crazy" people come out far more frequently at night and as such I just didn't expect you!
You came on at an unassuming station, Summerhill, and as the subway door chimed and shut close you sauntered to the opposite doors and began serenading the subway with your surprisingly decent voice.
Guy, you just got louder and louder as we reached Rosedale and I realized quite quickly that your melody of choice was the ever-subway-appropriate "No Diggity" by Blackstreet.
Oh for joy, guy on the subway. Thank you, thank you, for bringing some late 90's sexy boy band goodness onto the rocket.
You left the car at Bloor station, several stops too soon if you ask me, and with you left all personality on the train. Left with me was "woman sulking with 6 shopping bags", "student with ever-furrowed brow", and "unknown ethnicity man staring blankly ahead".
I pray we meet again guy, next time consider "Pony"?????
xoxox
Your number one subway admirer.

Extra Extra

This morning, trapped inside my too hot car and stuck on the highway not moving I opted for the radio to calm my restless nerves. 2 hours in the car is a little bit much, even for a veteran commuter like myself (by veteran I mean that I cry every single time there is traffic, which is usually about once or twice a week but only just whimper the remaining days on the road). I am usually a radio girl finding it easy to get lost in my imagination world with the mundane hum of Top 40 in the background and maybe even soothing to hear Bruno Mars’s “Grenade” every 5 minutes on rotation between 4 stations. Don’t know who Bruno Mars is? Lucky you.

Anywho. I usually save the news for the way home when I no longer can rely on my imagination and thoughts. By then, I don’t mind the depressing list of who was murdered or arsoned or how many car accidents there were as my mind has already gone to grey and my only pleasure for the hour I have to get home will be actually getting home.

So here is the “breaking news”

2 people die in a hit and run in some shitty part of the city

A man robbed as he crosses the street somewhere else

It will snow for the next 400 days and that will be followed by rain and some other grim forecasts to look forward to.

And then finally, after the gore and grit of what had happened after dark, the newscaster moved on to a more important and serious topic. He looked to explore, in a 20 minute segment no less, the new trend to make versus buy Valentine’s gifts. Is it the lackluster economy that has caused this change or just a nod back to less commercial more traditional time of celebrating the one you love? Who knows and who cares. They delved into the “statistics” behind this story, that surprisingly, men actually do prefer hand made gifts and how much each respective sex will spend on a store bought V-day treat for their honeys.

Are you kidding me news? Let’s just begin at the surface of this “report”- who in the world is the statistic expert behind Valentines day? That a job? How does one become a Valentines Day research and data expert? Is this the work of Cupid? Are you telling me that Cupid works for AM news?

Do I really need to begin my day dumber than I will end it?

Next, who is listening to this crap? Who turns on the news and anxiously awaits the report on this months Hallmark invented holiday?

Next, they lumped this insightful topic in with “Breaking News”. Again, really? Is this the most important news of the day? If we don’t live in Pleasantville- and the homeless man who followed me down a street screaming lurid sexual remarks before peeing on the side of former Maple Leaf Gardens would suggest that we do not-then I am more than sure that there is something more worthy of 20 minutes of news time than a debate over Valentine’s gifts- oh and just as a side note, in case you are date confused, I may expect this kind of nonsense on Valentine’s Day itself but let’s just note that it isn’t for another 6 whole days.

Finally, and I hate to get political or anything like that, but our world is in upheaval. Just look at what is going on right now in Egypt- a topic they touched on for .30 seconds during my hour in the car- this is a serious time in a very influential and unstable part of the world and this ridonculous news reporter is wrapped up in glitter and glue guns.

Point: I for one don’t give a rats ass about whether or not you make a giant heart out of construction paper or whether you buy a giant heart shaped tray for the person you will be sharing Valentine’s Day with. I think the holiday itself is probably one of the stupider ideas in our collective tradition anyways so how you celebrate a dumb holiday is entirely inconsequential to me.

I can only just hold my breath and wait for Easter to find out what the most popular egg dying color is.- do you hear that news people? Your next groundbreaking story has been taken care of so with your newfound spare time perhaps looking into actual news would be a thought. Or not. Just saying

Potholes and A**holes

To my horrible witch of a neighbor, regarding your behavior this morning;

I park my car every night in an alley behind my street that has garages lined up for every duplex unit on the block. We are at the very end of the dead end alleyway and parking is no joyous occasion. The alley is, in the cold seasons, treacherous, narrow and never shoveled and in the hot ones, filled with potholes that look like craters have fallen from the sky- and the holes are always filled with old rain water. Dirty old rain water.

To get to this alley of wonder, you go down a small little mini alley off of the main street with a tight turn to get onto the big alley where the garages live.

Setting established, lets move on.

Ok, so in my year of living in my place, other than having 2 flat tires which I suspect has something to do with the potholes and perpetual construction in our back alley, I have never had parking issues. My immediate neighbors are courteous and, because when you exit to the street the visibility is marred by some overgrown hedges, I have found people driving on the street to be super aware of you coming out since you cannot be super aware of them. It is this unspoken rule on my quiet friendly, family oriented street that we respect the alley entrance and no one will get hurt.

Well. This morning I awoke to snow and as a commuter, snow only means one thing; that people will shed every inch of common decency and drive like reckless maniacs on any given road. I leave early on such days to avoid the inevitable frustration of car X riding my tail with only an inch between us on slippery roads or car Y cutting in front of me with no signal or warning on said slippery streets. I hate people on days like today but this morning brought me a whole new kind of driver, my dear neighbor in her silver SUV, blond hair, probably in her 50’s, worst woman of life.

Here’s what happened. After sliding down the alley in my small compact sedan, maneuvering it around the sharp turn covered in snow and ice, and creeping up to the street exit I was faced with this wonderful specimen of person who was trying to come into the alley. Now this is not the first time I have experienced a I-want-to-get-out-and-you-are-coming-in exchange but the usual response is for person coming in to reverse a tad and allow person getting out to get out. No such luck today.

I watched as she aggressively gestured for me to hop the curb and go around her car instead of her reversing to let me by. I gestured back for her to move back a touch and let me go. This really seemed to piss her off and her gestures became more aggravated as did the row of people behind her who couldn’t move because she was blocking them and the row of people behind me that had formed who wanted to get out of the alley but couldn’t due to this horrible cow of a woman.

Finally, by the graces of her heart she moved back. Not enough that me and everyone behind me didn’t still have to jump the curb, but enough that I got caught in the snow bank beside said curb and had to spend another few minutes continuing to bock traffic maneuvering out of the snow with this woman making finger gestures at me all the while. I mouthed her a nice warm word or two as I drove away glaring at her and quickly daydreamed of her hopping out of her gas guzzling SUV and getting a boot full of snow.

Here is my issue, aside from the sheer annoyance of dealing with this particular gem of a person this particular morning. I commute everyday to work and as such I have had my fair share of people doing seriously obnoxiously things on the road. What always strikes me as curious is that without fail, the people committing these crimes on the roadoften seem to be my parents age and if you are my parents age then you may have children my age. Children who get flipped off, cut off, rudely gestured to, tailgated, or any other charming driving issue I have seen. How would you feel about the jerk who gave your 20 something year old daughter the finger at the onset of her 1 hour commute to work? How would you feel as a father about the man in his yellow porche on the 401 tailing your poor daughter as she unwillingly speeds, not in the fast lane, and risks her safety to just get away from you?

I think you would want to punch these people in the face and yet it doesn’t seem to stop anyone from doing it.

(I will also say conversely, as a younger driver, how do you feel when people on the road terrorize your parents or grandparents? Does this stop you?)

Point:

People, we need to do better. A lot better. Being a total ass on the road and antagonizing those around you never leads to good. I spent my whole hour cursing out this neighbor and in turn probably wasn’t as courteous to others as I usually am. Bad breeds bad as good breeds good.

Next time my fine neighbor- you had better show some common decency and move out of my way or I will use my rehersed line on you (it is a mean one, mr grinch) and feel no remorse. I am small but I am vicious.

Bullseye

I got the call as the news broke. Target bought Zellers and is coming to Canada, said the voice on the line, in synch with the CP24 news anchor reporting live from in front of a Target store. All I thought was, how crappy.
I really like Target and in fact, I have been known to make my (amazing) fiance drive 30 minutes out of the way somewhere in the middle of a 15 hour road trip where we have been in the car already for about 12 hours just so I can go and try on my favorites from Mossimo. The thing about Target though, is that it has always seemed like my own private fashion secret. I know it is not but the thing about it being in the States is that the odds of you and your friend being shopping in the US at the same time is less likely and Target has a fast turnover rate for their clothing making it possible to be the only one (in your circle of friends- obviously not in the world) who has what you have.
I have a sick obsession with good cheap clothes (and who doesn't really?) and I thrive on the times where I will get complimented on a top that cost me 8 dollars.
This was exactly how I felt about Forever 21 when it expanded into our neck of North America, now everyone and their mothers would know about my 5 dollar tank tops and 2 dollar jewelry.
So dear Target's acquisition of Zellers, thanks for ruining my secret cheap shopping. Now the whole world (my whole world) will know my thrifty secret.*

*Note- there is nothing wrong with being a thrifty shopper. It is just nice to be able to be one without looking like it- you know?

The year I should have been born

I have suspected from an early age that I was born in the wrong era. The 70’s have always had this je ne sais quoi that just inspires me. When tapered jeans came back into style I mourned the loss of bell-bottom jeans and believe (strongly) in tie-dye being a necessity in any wardrobe.

Derek Lam- Spring 2011

So imagine my excitement when the 2011 spring runway brought me gems like this incredible Derek Lam ensemble. So sexy and so amazing. 

Marc Jacobs- one of my favorite designer as he has always kept a bit of hippy flair in his collections. There is always something so granny-chic about his work and this is no exception. Those glasses! I die! (and probably actually have ones similar in my collection of my grandmothers amazing costume jewelry collection). Pink shiny pant- probably won't rock those but the shape and skimpiness of the top in contrast with the baggier pant is just amazing.

Fringe- I wear an excessive amount of it. I have a full fringe purse ( a true gem from H&M that always gets compliments) and I like wearing them with my slouchy brown fringe boots- which, to my great dismay have become tattered and torn, evidence of being used and abused with one to many outfits. 

This is my everything!! I am getting married in a few months and have been looking everywhere for a white dress exactly in this shape. A modern moomoo. Count on the genius of Prada to come up with something this incredible. In fact, you should all go look at the whole collection. Everything has stripes and some are in the color of bubble gum.

What can I even say about this season other than that it makes me wish even more for Spring to come.