Dick in its natural habitat.

So, now that we are all back to the grind and real life has taken over the blissful days of Christmas break, I find myself here, in front of the computer with a fair amount to share with you all. That is the theme of today’s Post, sharing.

So first, and shamelessly, I implore you to share me. if you are reading this post, can you please take some time and tell 2 other people about it? Share my words so I can become famous and retire early. I swear I will share my fortunes with you if that happens*. Plus, you get a good laugh out of me often enough, right? Share the gift of laughter with your friends or family. It is very selfish to hog all the laughter in the world- that is what grinches are made of.

Ok, so you have shared me now- thank you.

Now allow me to share some great moments from my Floridian vacation. Florida is paradise if you like to laugh at ridiculous people in the sun. It is unlike anywhere else on earth. The rules of the road are sort of iffy and in one sweep across the I95 you can see an old lady driving at 30MPH, a person eating a cheeseburger while drinking a coke and smoking a cigarette and steering with their knees to someone on a cell phone with their top down texting at the same time. Laws? What laws?

It is also the home to tracksuits, people who really love American flag stuff and fat people. BUT, in all my life, of all the weirdos I have seen and had a chuckle courtesy of, it was on this trip that I encountered the weirdest of them all.

We spent Christmas day at the wildlife sanctuary located about 30 minutes from our place and it was a truly awesome way to enjoy what beauty (outside the malls and outlets) Florida can offer. I chuckled my way inside because back a few years ago, this was the exact place where I encountered that man Jordan (whose name I know from having walked behind him as he talked, nay, screamed into his cell phone for the entire duration of our visit). 

Jordan, by comparison, was normal.

In one of those, "what came first, the laughter or the man" moments, I saw him. A 40 something year old man in full Safari hat carrying a paparazzi esque camera, wearing very sensible teva shoes with a mild to medium tan wearing a neon teal short short sleeveless onesie. 

Yes, you could see his ass cheeks flex as he walked, and his nipple erection from the light breeze running through the park. And yes, every single detail of his junk was out on display overtaking the awesomeness of the alligators basking in the sun. 2 alligators and a baby alligator moving around and flashing their impressive teeth seemed just less impressive next to this man's unit.

He didn't see to be fazed by the fact that people around him burst into laughter all throughout the park- in fact, he seemed rather comfortable in his getup- I suppose I should applaud this moment of confidence except for that it was actually vulgar and if I had a kid with me that day, I would have to shield their eyes from the snake in his pants that no one came to see. Penis in its natural habitat?? No thank you.

Suffice to say that this image burned into my retinas at an alarming speed and became both the joke and cause for shuddering for the remainder of our vacation.

Sure, I spent days poolside with a man who had fake hair and felt that screaming at the top of his lungs instead of simply just speaking to his fat ass wife and kids was acceptable. Sure, there was a plethora of wildly inappropriate racism such as one of our valet drivers asking another valet driver if a car he pulled up "looked like it belonged to a black person". Sure my mother got a weird sexual advance in the form of a Kiss impersonator wagging his tongue at her. And sure, my airplane seat mates got wasted on vodka and OF even though they were about 200 years old combined.

But ol' onesie was the best of the bunch (and when I type bunch I immediately think of his do dah)

Anyways. SO happy to be beginning 2013! Happy to be back and happy to spend another year with you, my readers.

Thank you all again for spreading the love.

Jane.


*swearing to share not guaranteed