Happy 2012

Alright folks. I am back. Offish.
Happy New Years- 23 days later.
How was your welcoming in of 2012?

Mine was spent on a beach eating a lobster feast with cheap champagne, lots of curry and ladyboys performing traditional Thai dances (which somehow included a Jewish Hava Nagila at the stroke of midnight).

Yes, be jealous all of you, I was on my honeymoon in Thailand soaking in the sun and touring the amazing islands of the south. While you were in your parka, I was in a sarong. NBD.

So obvi I don't spend 3 weeks in a foreign country without raking up a few tales to share.... so I begin where we began, Bangkok.

Bangkok is, to put it as my friend Phil so perfectly explained it, an assault on your senses. I thought this was a spot on statement because it really is as aggressive as the word assault would suggest, and really does impact your whole being. (I don't mean that in the whole hippy dippy way- I mean it literally).

I could break it down by sense but I instead will share with you some of the things I found more curious about my time there. The first being that I never had a sense of where I was. Not in the world, obvi, but in the city. Sure, we began to familiarize ourselves with our hotel and vicinity. Sure, we were able to navigate around to find almost everything we wanted in walking and river taxi but if you put me on any given street, I would be lost. The thing about the city, from what we saw is that everything is random and everything looks the same. On any street you find: gem shop, seemingly seedy massage parlor, 7-11, hotel, abandoned building, food carts, art shop, gem shop.... nothing made sense and nowhere was nicer/ fancier than the next place. The only few places in the city that looked slightly different were the high traffic tourist areas where spattered in my list of shops were also a Burger King and McDonalds.
So, big whoop, I had zero directional skills- what else is new really- is that what you are thinking?.... me too.

So, before we left ALL we heard about was the sex shows. "You must see the ping pong shows" everyone said. Now, I would have only because I am a perv and I cannot believe that more than one person has been trained to do that. mind.blown.
However, after walking through Patpong market (the night market adjacent to the "red light district" aka where you can see old men with young Thai women aplenty and every white person in Thailand gathering over cheeseburgers) my mind was changed. So the whole street is lined with strip shows that give you a sneak peak into what you might get to see should you entertain the creepy men soliciting you into the more provocative sex shows behind the curtains. I wish I could video my expression to show you what these women look like who are sneak peaking you- no expression at all. Like, not even boredom, just nothing, blank faces sort of moving, but barely to English Top 40 music in bras and underwear. What is sexy about that? It wasn't even sad, it was just weird.
On top of which, my husband, the germaphobe, heard that some of the girls shoot ping pongs into your mouth. That pretty much sealed the deal for him that he would 100% get gonorrhea just from sitting down- sex shows were off the table before we even caught a glimpse of what they could be.

Another thing about Bangkok that I found...well, notable would be that I don't think I took a single full breath in 48 hours. It was as if my body simply rejected the polluted air and would not let me fully engage in the breathing process. This meant that I also never fully digested my street meats as I think breathing and digesting work hand in hand and if not- it is at least quite impactful to your digestion when promptly after eating you are hit with 40 degree humid heat that smells like piss and tastes like smoke. If you blow your nose after a day about town and black stuff comes out, you know your breathing is wonk. Aside from the heavy air quality, the air also had this horrid smell which was, as mentioned piss in various forms. Hot piss, fresh piss, sweet piss, dirty piss... kind of depending where you were depended on the type and concentration of piss.


Oh shame, I make it sound like such a crap place- it isn't.

Bangkok is certainly not without it's nuances (and by nuances I obvi mean piss) but there are many wonderful things too- the markets were hilarious and fun and filled with tye-dye- this was truly my fashion mecca. Although my husband made fun of me every single day for overpaying, I got the best Thai pants in Bangkok (and they were less Thai than sort of harem hippy travel pants- but still, I can call them Thai if I got them in Thailand right?) for 6 dollars (about 5 too many if you asked hubs)
The food which remained in my stomach far too long, was incredible- I ate mystery meat galore!
The temples, both the famous ones and the ones you could find on a random street corner were stunning, and the few restaurants we went to were amazing- one in particular, Face, in Sukhumvit was one of the most beautiful buildings I have ever seen, period.

I guess it is suffice to say that I was happy to have seen the city and happy to leave all in the same breath (or lack of breath- right folks...right??)

Anywho, all this still was happening back in 2011- i know right? SO last year...but, thought I would catch you up so that we are not feeling like such strangers, you and I. I think I break here.