If you are new or have not read my blog on Hummer then I will quickly reaffirm my complete lack of respect for and distain of Hummer. There are many reasons to hate a Hummer and some include; Hummers are gas guzzling whores, Hummers often are driven by people who want to "compensate" for "something", they are the worst things when you want to park in peace and overall since we are not military folk we need not drive a tank down Yonge Street.
Now, if some one can please tell me why, oh why oh why oh why Hummer went ahead and expanded their douchebaggery into clothing and accessories.
My boyfriend was on the subway yesterday and was able to snap a (really bad and out of focus) picture of a young man wearing a backpack with the Hummer logo on it. He thought I would be amused at the expansion of the Hummer name given that I just hate them so much. What I found funny was that this anonymous kid had either sewn on (or it is ACTUALLY part of the Hummer backpack- hard to tell) a "save the environment" type logo- it did not actually say "save the environment" but did say something equally stupid and contradictory to the obvious label beneath it.
If you plan on or are a Hummer driving/ loving loser then at least own up to it. At least have the awareness to acknowledge your huge eco-faux pas. At least then we normal people know that you have a half a brain working and you are not delusional enough to think that
wearing a patch on your heinous backpack is going to save the
environment at all.
Why don't you go home and put a bumper sticker on your Hummer
that reads "Give a hoot, don't pollute"- then everywhere you go people will recognize you
for the fraud you are.
Also, from a fashion point of view Hummer clothing and accessories are just as sexy as those old men who wear race car gear- you know, Ferrari tops, Porche cologne... So there, you are as sexy or maybe even sexier than an aged man with saggy balls going through an obvious midlife crisis.
Point: Take off that stupid backpack.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Poor Showmanship
Now, I wasn't going to rant this, I swore up and down I wasn't but here I am, it is 11:40 in the morning and since I don't start work for another week I am at a loss of what to do but write. I have thus far filled my time off with the following lustrous and lack-luster activities including but not limited to; surfing the web in pajamas, baking in pajamas, not even bothering to take off the pajamas for band practices, running errands in pajamas, nursing my pulled SI joint and moping about how shitty it is to have back problems at age 27 while lying on the floor (I would specify the "in pajamas but I am sure you are not retarded and have guessed as much), writing, eating- lots of eating, painting, shopping...hell, you name it I have tried to quench my boredom with it. I am truly not the stay at home type person but unfortunately I am also a pj lover.... bad combination my friends, just dangerous....
ANYWAYS, I digress. So today we explore the downfall of the theater. I speak specifically to 4 major offenders and problem people who legitimately ruin the viewing pleasure of those around them. (This applies to movies and actual theatre).
1. Tall Man/ Woman (usually a man though) - I don't discriminate but if you are 6 feet tall why are you sitting in the front row? You must know by now that most people are not as tall as you right? I would imagine that if I was an amazonian giant I would be aware how little the rest of the population seemed. So again, I beg the question of why you have to sit in front of me. I am 5'5 and I can't see. You must know this. You can't for a second think that my view will not be obstructed by the extra 7-10 inches of you that loom over me so why don't you have some freaking common courtesy and sit in the back. The back seats are better anyways. You force me to restrain myself from kicking your chair for the whole time we are there and I have to crane myself around to just get a glimpse of the show. Do I look like a crane? (I don't, in case you thought otherwise)
2. Speaking Man/ Woman - Hey, guess what??? I can hear the show all by myself and don't need any kind of narration, commentary or sing along in my ear. I once sat behind a man who vocalized every action that occurred in the show. Like when the actor was putting on his boots, the guy behind me was like, "that guy is putting on his boots"- Hey, guy behind me, are you Batman because your observation skills are uncanny!!! I would have never just seen that myself had you not narrated for me and the rest of the audience. You know how the show's hire actors/ actresses and singers to perform? Let them do their job.
3. Telephone Man/ Woman- I get it, I get it, you just NEED to see the sports scores for the football game, you just HAVE to BBm with your friend Bill... guess what. You are an asshole. Perhaps you have never had the experience of sitting in a dark room and having bright little lights flashed in you peripheral vision but rest assured it is distracting. You should be advised that the world will not end should you, as the show's always prompt you to do, turn off your phone. I respect emergencies having witnessed one recently myself where my theatre companion received a very important phone message about the sudden death of a friend however, I have also witnessed a row of inane boys in front of me checking out sports on their iphones. All 4 of them at the same time. I have zero remorse for spilling popcorn down their backs and suggesting in a not so covert voice what they could do with their iphones and each other.
4. Parents of naughty children - Isn't it so endearing that you kid has no manners? So adorable when they kick the back of my chair for 3 hours straight right? YOU ARE A BAD PARENT. If you take your kid out on public you better make sure they can behave themselves like people and not like chimpanzees. How embarrassing is it to be scolded by a stranger because your kid is a crazy little shit.
Then I meet people in my adult life who talk all the way through movies and have no doubt what kind of childhood they had. Stop raising jerks and watch your children.
Point: If I could I would buy my own theatre and never venture into public spaces like like the Silvercities and Canon theaters again. It always reminds me of the horrors of group activities. However, I m not rich... yet so until that point, people, we are all coming to enjoy something. We have to be respectful of one another and of the ways in which we treat one another. Otherwise don't be surprised when the back of shirt is "unexplainably" stained with butter and you find popcorn kernels in your pants. You deserve it.
ANYWAYS, I digress. So today we explore the downfall of the theater. I speak specifically to 4 major offenders and problem people who legitimately ruin the viewing pleasure of those around them. (This applies to movies and actual theatre).
1. Tall Man/ Woman (usually a man though) - I don't discriminate but if you are 6 feet tall why are you sitting in the front row? You must know by now that most people are not as tall as you right? I would imagine that if I was an amazonian giant I would be aware how little the rest of the population seemed. So again, I beg the question of why you have to sit in front of me. I am 5'5 and I can't see. You must know this. You can't for a second think that my view will not be obstructed by the extra 7-10 inches of you that loom over me so why don't you have some freaking common courtesy and sit in the back. The back seats are better anyways. You force me to restrain myself from kicking your chair for the whole time we are there and I have to crane myself around to just get a glimpse of the show. Do I look like a crane? (I don't, in case you thought otherwise)
2. Speaking Man/ Woman - Hey, guess what??? I can hear the show all by myself and don't need any kind of narration, commentary or sing along in my ear. I once sat behind a man who vocalized every action that occurred in the show. Like when the actor was putting on his boots, the guy behind me was like, "that guy is putting on his boots"- Hey, guy behind me, are you Batman because your observation skills are uncanny!!! I would have never just seen that myself had you not narrated for me and the rest of the audience. You know how the show's hire actors/ actresses and singers to perform? Let them do their job.
3. Telephone Man/ Woman- I get it, I get it, you just NEED to see the sports scores for the football game, you just HAVE to BBm with your friend Bill... guess what. You are an asshole. Perhaps you have never had the experience of sitting in a dark room and having bright little lights flashed in you peripheral vision but rest assured it is distracting. You should be advised that the world will not end should you, as the show's always prompt you to do, turn off your phone. I respect emergencies having witnessed one recently myself where my theatre companion received a very important phone message about the sudden death of a friend however, I have also witnessed a row of inane boys in front of me checking out sports on their iphones. All 4 of them at the same time. I have zero remorse for spilling popcorn down their backs and suggesting in a not so covert voice what they could do with their iphones and each other.
4. Parents of naughty children - Isn't it so endearing that you kid has no manners? So adorable when they kick the back of my chair for 3 hours straight right? YOU ARE A BAD PARENT. If you take your kid out on public you better make sure they can behave themselves like people and not like chimpanzees. How embarrassing is it to be scolded by a stranger because your kid is a crazy little shit.
Then I meet people in my adult life who talk all the way through movies and have no doubt what kind of childhood they had. Stop raising jerks and watch your children.
Point: If I could I would buy my own theatre and never venture into public spaces like like the Silvercities and Canon theaters again. It always reminds me of the horrors of group activities. However, I m not rich... yet so until that point, people, we are all coming to enjoy something. We have to be respectful of one another and of the ways in which we treat one another. Otherwise don't be surprised when the back of shirt is "unexplainably" stained with butter and you find popcorn kernels in your pants. You deserve it.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Fear
While admittedly irrational, I have a very distinct and prevailing fear; mouths that are not attached to a face/head. Seriously,I have had an inordinate amount of dreams wherein either a giant mouth with juicy red lips repeats the word "stress" over and over in a voice that gets louder and louder (now before you jump to the assumption that stress has anything to do with this equation let me explain briefly that the word stress being repeated is from an exhibit I saw as a child wherein the machine would repeat the word stress and show you on a monitor the words dress or tress or rest and as the machine repeated “stress” over and over, depending what word was on the screen you would begin to hear that word instead…just a demonstration about the subjectivity of the mind... and also I am super stressed).
In the same breath I also find the Dairy Queen commercial and the opening scene of Rocky Horror Picture Show terrifying because they have that disassociated mouth just talk talk talking away.
Now let me ask you this, why would anyone think that a successful ad campaign involve a mouth with no body or head, I mean, with no head there is no brain and with no brain how is this mouth able to process how delicious the hot eats and cool treats are? And moreover who made the random mouth an ice cream guru? Why should I, of relative mental sanity listen to a mouth and let a mouth tell me what to do? Just for their stupid and terrifying ads I refuse to eat Blizzards and suffer with McDonald’s very mediocre McFlurry to make my point.
I have also seen this mouth lurking in Virgin Mobile ads. Virgin Mobile, a company whose ads I usually enjoy went ahead and employed this obviously very persuasive mouth to promote cell phones. I am not buying anything from a mouth people. That’s like listening to a nose tell you what to do. Are we living in crazy land??
Point: This writer begs and pleads with anyone who thinks that this mystery mouth is a good idea to walk away. I have had these nightmares for like, 20 something years and I am ready to put this kind of horror behind me. Won’t you please lend a hand? (not a mouth)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Have you been looking for a place where you can pick up 500 germs per square foot on every part of your body while witnessing the declination of mankind? Look no further because the Science Center is here to make it happen!!
So my boyfriend and I thought that it might be nice and wholesome to take a drive to the Don Mills and Eg area and check out what was a staple in both of our childhoods.
Bad idea.
In the true "cut down all the trees and put them in a tree museum and charge the people a dollar and a half to see them" the Science Center proceeded to charge us 8 dollars to park in a completely full parking lot (and caused me to have a mini panic attack for the safety and well being of the car that we ended up parking in a driveway).
Now I can't be mad at a line up, it is not really anyones fault that the whole city of Toronto and their children had the same ingenious idea that day but holy hell was it busy. In fact, the line up was so big that we contemplated leaving immediately except that my sly and sexy boyfriend found a secret short line where the wait was far more doable. 36 dollars for both of us to learn about science. 36 dollars, seriously. I guess poor people are not welcome to discover the wonders of outer space.
Now, again, the place was super super busy so crowds and line ups were to be expected and we were adequately prepared however what we were not prepared for was to see humanity at its worst.
I have one thing to say to the people who visited the Science Center on Wednesday December 30th 2009. Manage your horrible children.
I understand that you may think that because I am a grown up your kids have the right to shove me aside and visit every exhibit before me. Perhaps you think that as an adult I don't deserve to see microscope slides of red and white blood cells.
Perhaps you find it endearing to watch your children run a muck and harass every person in their paths.... it isn't.
And to you parents who were almost as horrific to watch as your children, a double curse to you. I literally was witness to an elderly Chinese man who first let his rude ass kid bud me in line then physically shoved me out of line so he too could bud.
This is why there are shitty adults in abundance. This is the true findings at the Science Center- you can witness first hand how asshole adults are made.
So if we can perhaps ignore that facet of the trip (although we actually couldn't and ended up leaving early with a refund), you should also be aware of the plethora of germs that circulate throughout this facility. Everything you touch feels like germs - and I say this not as the crazy hypochondriac that I am but as a real person, things felt soggy, moist, and any other disgusting word you can think of to describe the feel of something that has been sweat on by many. Purel is not enough- come with gloves.
(and as a side-note to these crappy parents keep your imp kid's faces off everything, no need to lick the picture of the stars now is there?)
Finally, Science Center should be a place for the promotion of health, understanding your body blah blah blah...they literally have a health and body section and currently feature "Bodyworks" an understanding of how your body works and body health and yet, in each and every single cafeteria the only "health food" they provide is pre-made, boxed sushi, as if any kid is going to opt for some kappa maki. French Fries, burgers and chicken fingers are not foods that promote a healthy body and it seems almost hypocritical to encourage good body health and then serve greasy spoon crap. Just saying.
Point: may this humble writer suggest you head to the ROM or to the AGO (free on Wed nights and never too busy- you can also do a really cool tour of the old art gallery) I visited the ROM during the dead sea scroll exhibit and it was just as busy but far more refined and because it is enormous your are likely to find a section that is not overrun. Also, even though there was huge dead sea scroll line up it was never too cramped, people were extremely polite and good about sharing the exhibit space and for the most part very respectful... go figure.
Also, the Science Center should bring back the food section because this plantain seriously missed that Chinese rice miniature village.
So my boyfriend and I thought that it might be nice and wholesome to take a drive to the Don Mills and Eg area and check out what was a staple in both of our childhoods.
Bad idea.
In the true "cut down all the trees and put them in a tree museum and charge the people a dollar and a half to see them" the Science Center proceeded to charge us 8 dollars to park in a completely full parking lot (and caused me to have a mini panic attack for the safety and well being of the car that we ended up parking in a driveway).
Now I can't be mad at a line up, it is not really anyones fault that the whole city of Toronto and their children had the same ingenious idea that day but holy hell was it busy. In fact, the line up was so big that we contemplated leaving immediately except that my sly and sexy boyfriend found a secret short line where the wait was far more doable. 36 dollars for both of us to learn about science. 36 dollars, seriously. I guess poor people are not welcome to discover the wonders of outer space.
Now, again, the place was super super busy so crowds and line ups were to be expected and we were adequately prepared however what we were not prepared for was to see humanity at its worst.
I have one thing to say to the people who visited the Science Center on Wednesday December 30th 2009. Manage your horrible children.
I understand that you may think that because I am a grown up your kids have the right to shove me aside and visit every exhibit before me. Perhaps you think that as an adult I don't deserve to see microscope slides of red and white blood cells.
Perhaps you find it endearing to watch your children run a muck and harass every person in their paths.... it isn't.
And to you parents who were almost as horrific to watch as your children, a double curse to you. I literally was witness to an elderly Chinese man who first let his rude ass kid bud me in line then physically shoved me out of line so he too could bud.
This is why there are shitty adults in abundance. This is the true findings at the Science Center- you can witness first hand how asshole adults are made.
So if we can perhaps ignore that facet of the trip (although we actually couldn't and ended up leaving early with a refund), you should also be aware of the plethora of germs that circulate throughout this facility. Everything you touch feels like germs - and I say this not as the crazy hypochondriac that I am but as a real person, things felt soggy, moist, and any other disgusting word you can think of to describe the feel of something that has been sweat on by many. Purel is not enough- come with gloves.
(and as a side-note to these crappy parents keep your imp kid's faces off everything, no need to lick the picture of the stars now is there?)
Finally, Science Center should be a place for the promotion of health, understanding your body blah blah blah...they literally have a health and body section and currently feature "Bodyworks" an understanding of how your body works and body health and yet, in each and every single cafeteria the only "health food" they provide is pre-made, boxed sushi, as if any kid is going to opt for some kappa maki. French Fries, burgers and chicken fingers are not foods that promote a healthy body and it seems almost hypocritical to encourage good body health and then serve greasy spoon crap. Just saying.
Point: may this humble writer suggest you head to the ROM or to the AGO (free on Wed nights and never too busy- you can also do a really cool tour of the old art gallery) I visited the ROM during the dead sea scroll exhibit and it was just as busy but far more refined and because it is enormous your are likely to find a section that is not overrun. Also, even though there was huge dead sea scroll line up it was never too cramped, people were extremely polite and good about sharing the exhibit space and for the most part very respectful... go figure.
Also, the Science Center should bring back the food section because this plantain seriously missed that Chinese rice miniature village.
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