Working in advertising does things to you. I use the phrase “to ____’s point” or “my POV is” way more than I should in casual conversation and I scrutinize ads to an extreme degree. It is a function of the job and it never turns off.
When Kotex came to life with those wicked ads they had with the messaging that was poking fun at all other tampon ads, they tore the feminie hygiene product worlkd a new asshole. Talking about periods so casually and in a fresh, "real" way was revolutionary. You laughed, you cried, and the people at Tampax scrambled to remind you that you can't judge a tampon by it's neon cover.
Enter Tampax's new ads- a subtle reminder that "at a moment like this" (this being when you are doing a back flip in a white bikini) she is glad to wear Tampax. Why? well, at this moment in her life, she doesn't care for fancy packaging and witty lines, she cares that she does not have a giant red mark on her white bikini bottoms in front of all her friends- thus positioning Tampax as the lead in leak protection. Let the "other guys" be he flash, Tampax will still emerge victorious. Substance over style.
But here is the thing- Tampax, while you win for your overall messaging and priorities, you lose for this shitty ad.
I am a fairly normal girl, I am in my 30s and I am totally comfortable with my body in terms of getting my period, like, really not a big deal at this point. HOWEVER, I really do still try to avoid bathing suit situations when I know it is coming and even at the best of times when I am period free, I avoid white bikinis.
So this girl is on her period and she is like, "oh, I am going to a pool party and I shall wear a skimpy white bikini". She didn’t have anything else in her closet? Just one white bikini? I don’t think I buy that.
Furthermore, lets say, for arguments sake, that she does in fact own only one small white bikini and she is too broke to even go out and buy like, an H&M bikini which is on sale for 4 dollars and she just HAS to attend a pool party on the day of her period- DO YOU HAVE TO SHOW THE WHOLE PARTY HOW YOU CAN BACKFLIP ON THAT PARTICULAR DAY????????????? Like, maybe just tell your friends that you are a great back flipper and promise to show them some other time how awesome you are at it OR, just keep quiet. No one likes a show off anyways.
If it is time to “Get real” about periods then let’s all agree that the best you can hope for in terms of good solid protection is to not leak through your “period/granny panties” that you are wearing under a strategically DARK dress or jeans. If you dare to wear your smallest and most revealing bikini, you deserve whatever Mother Nature flings your way.
I read this Olivia Wilde article about being 30- people actually reposted this all over Facebook so I was intrigued. What could a 29-year-old on the cusp of being 30-year-old famous actress marrying a famous actor have in common with me?
Turns out that we are both thinking about turning 30 and we both think you shouldn’t get Botox or facelifts. Who knew we had so much similarities in our thinking? Seems we agree that doing work to yourself in the ripe years of your 30s is just f-ing gross. I was recently with a group of girls who were patiently waiting to try Botox and I thought to myself how, like tanning, this is going to make them look ridiculous in a few years. Ladies, Olivia and I both urge you to chill the fuck out on your appearance. At your funerals, which I hope don’t come for a very very long time, no one will give a shit that you had no wrinkles, fit into a size zero or had a facelift- and if they do, you should probably get new people in your life. People will remember you for being wonderful and for being you! Trust, I see tons of ladies when I visit my parents in Florida who, I am sure, in their prime had killer bodies and gorgeous faces. Later in life, no matter how much work you do, you will look old. You may look old and skinny but you will still look old- old and tanned= still old, old with liposuction stomach=still old. No one will ever care and if anything people will make fun of your over bloated lips behind your backs. A cautionary tale.
We also agree that you shouldn’t feel pressure to get married. I know a whole heap of people who are already getting divorced. If you don’t want to be one of those people, a good way to try and combat it is to not rush into marriage. Notwithstanding staunch religious people who save themselves until marriage and all that, marriage really changes nothing for a modern couple. I got married and got a much nicer set of dishes and a great party to look back on. That is all. And everything I ever wanted to do, including children, I could have done without my Dansk set and memories of a certain Cotton Eyed Joe remix.
Finally, we agree that you should learn a new skill. Why not. You're not dead yet. You can even add this to the other Do, enjoying your sexual prime- your partner or future partner will thank you.
Then she makes some points which, to be kind, seem a bit self indulgent and fucking stupid. Some of the other gems though, which I doth protest, include the following: Don’t freak out about all the brilliant people who accomplish more than you by 30, Do travel, Don’t be bogged down by your past. Very well when you are a multimillionaire actress who people named “sexiest woman alive”. Until the day when I can boast both of those accomplishments, I’m going to go right ahead and be jealous. Jealous of the 30 year old CEO of a company I wish I had started, the 25 year old fashion maven who was noted as “the next big thing” and the author of every good book I read. Is it to say I will not be those things one day? No, I can be whatever I want to be and so can you but a little envy can be a good driver to actually get off your ass and get what you so greenly eye. I guess if I was a smoking hot superstar, it would be easy to brush that dirt off my shoulders- unfortunately, the average 30 year old has just spent their 20’s figuring their shit out, not being all famous and stuff. I appreciate the sentiment, Olivia, but it is easy to preach when you are high on a tower... Or something.
Don’t feel pressure to pop out kids- PLEASE TELL THAT TO MY BODY!!! Would not a lot be solved if this wasn’t a pressure you had to face in your 30’s??? This would be a nice one to just be all cool about- like, ya man, no pressure except for that if you don’t have kids by a certain age, you cant and if you wait until you are Hollywood norm age like Halle Berry, you had better have her superhuman genes or be prepared for a lot of issues. Again, if I was a millionaire famous person, I may not worry about not getting pregnant later in my 30s when it gets harder, there would be IV and the price tag on every treatment would be a total breeze. Don’t make all of us 30 year olds who actually worry a lot about having a baby in the near future feel like freaks. Unfair, Olivia.
Do travel? Pay for my motherfucking flights.
And finally, don’t be bogged down by your past. This is one I both agree and disagree with. Yes, your past is your past. It is over and you have probably learned a lot from it HOWEVER, I will contest that there a re more than a few people out there who could stand to remember a bit about what has happened to them in hopes that it will make them a better person. Par example, if you did something really shitty- you should remember so you don’t do it again, if you have succeeded in losing all your good friends, you should probably remember so that you can be a better friend to your new ones, everyone always dumps you? Try thinking about why. Reflecting on one’s past never hurt anyone- living in it def can.
So, in summation enjoy your 30’s and do whatever you can to best live them to their fullest before you start dealing with the perils of real aging. If you are lucky you will find yourself a better, more secure and wealthy version of yourself in your 20’s. You will have cut all the crap from your life (whatever that means to you) and you will be surrounded with love, goodness and positivity. Plus, they say 30 is the new 20 anyways.
Happy Friday all you 30 year olds out there (and all the rest of you too)
I went to Fresh for dinner last night with my group of girlfriends. Here is what I can say about Fresh. First of all, if you want a nice meal to catch up with old friends, this may not be your place. I love it there, like, LOVE it but shoveling salad into your face isn't super conducive to a good conversation. There were a lot of flying lettuce bits.
Also, and this goes beyond Fresh because I seemingly do this to myself all the time, I ordered the wrong thing. I don’t know why I stray from food when I know how much I love it but I abandoned my beloved Beach bowl with rice and opted for a kale salad. My body is currently saying fuck you very much for that choice. Who needs a full bowl of hemp seeds? Not this girl apparently.
I don’t know why I do it to myself. Like, I feel too adventurous as a person to eat the same thing all the time but then I just get food envy for the 2 other people at my table who got exactly what I wanted and yummed their way all through dinner while I chewed kale by the bushel.
I think earlier that day I had read how Jennifer Aniston got her 40 year old six pack with eating kale so I was all like, if I eat kale, I might develop an overnight six pack too. Obviously I am to cut out to read celebrity diet tricks.
Also, I have basically eaten tofu all week long- this is what happens when my husband leaves me to cook my own protein. I am obviously terrifed of the idea of cooking meat tofu is my sole sustenance- or tempeh, which is equi weird/ gross.
Mix some tofu with some shiritaki noodles and some of my overabundant Jamaican Caliloo (the best growing plant in my garden by far) and you have my dinner food for a week.
What do vegans do? I always thought I would be a great vegan given my ambivalence to meat but after my week of beans for that 4 hour diet and this week of tofu, I cannot imagine living like this. It’s not even like I crave meat, I just crave anything that isn't a salad. Whomever came up with the line “you don’t make friends with salad” was spot on.
Anywho, I digress. Fresh- delicious if you haven't eaten tofu for 3 days straight and want more than an hour over salad to talk.
Veganism- I applaud you if you can but this plantain needs something to eat that isn't a leaf or made from soy.
