Oink oink my fellow riders.

So, as my fiancé noted this morning as we rode the rocket together (like, the subway- did that sound sexual to anyone else?) I write a lot about the subway. The truth is that the subway emphasizes the most horrible qualities in people so it would be negligent for me to overlook what awful things said people do.

But the true climax of the experience can be found at Bloor Station. I will forget the most certainly fake blond in cheap wannabe leather who shoved her way into me at St. Clair station, I will ignore my total embarrassment for the short and angry dude at the same station who bellowed out that he needed to get off the car as the doors were opening (that is why subways stop, stupid) and pay no notice to the guy who spent the whole 10 minute ride giving me dirty looks after my vocal fiance asked him to move in a bit more to accommodate all the people throwing elbows into my back (sigh- my hero) and I will focus instead on why we should all, collectively be ashamed of ourselves.

Dear people,
If you have been to Bloor station in rush hour, then you know the drill- half or more of every single person on every single car gets off here and for everyone that disembarks, there is someone waiting to get on and continue south. so the doors open, people rush like mad cattle off the train, the people who are waiting to get on often begin the shoving too and if you touch only 10 people in this whole charade, you are a lucky one.

All the while a voice on the intercom tells you to wait for people to get off the car before loading on, to wait for the next car which is seconds away instead of swarming the one present, to follow some kind of line procedure as to not concuss your fellow man, and to walk one way on one side and the other way on the other side so that you don't have to smash your body into everyone else in the entire station.

Um, who else is totally embarrassed that despite the fact that;
a. we are all, for the most part, professional adults in the station during this time and we should be able to maneuver around one another in some kind of respectable manner without the guidance of an intercom
b. there is a fucking intercom and we still can't get it right
c. there are even policemen and guards around and we STILL can't get it right.... oh and don't even get me started on these police man guard people- why are you even there? Do you actually do anything besides talk to the guard next to you???? Thats.not.helping.

SO.BAD.

Everyday without fail people behave like monsters and without fail manage to subsequently make the whole process longer by inserting their stupidity.

People, what is the matter here?
Is there not some way we can manage to all get off and on the subway without elbowing my boobs? Call it selfish but  just don't want to be trampled anymore.

Yours Truly,
Jane.

PS. If you were on the subway at around 8:20 this morning and thought it would be cute to do all the above mentioned atrocities, a special fuck you to you my friends.

Vote me instead.

So every morning as I walk to the subway and get tot the doors, I am greeted by 2 familiar faces- the people who hand out those daily newspapers like Metro

Anywho, they stand by the doors of the station and happily pass out papers to anyone who wants one (and although I enjoy those papers, I never accept because I would just hate to be the douchebag who opens up a newspaper on a full car of people crammed up against each other- seriously, if you do that, you deserve to fall into a sweaty mans armpit). For the most part, these people get ignored- I like to say a polite "no thank you" just to acknowledge them so that they don't feel like invisible losers- although they are usually quite happy and cheerful despite having people walk by them.

So, this morning a bit further than where the Metro people stand there were 4 other people who began harassing you the second you got close to them- a good 20 steps from the subway station doors. They were campaigning for come woman (which is a testament to how hard I was listening to what they said- some woman) from the PC party who was standing off to the side greeting us as we ran into the station politely or not so politely avoiding eye contact with her solicitors.

Um, what kind of shenanigans is that? I don't even understand what that is all about. Is that an actual campaign method?

Let me just sort this out in my head for a second. Someone actually thought it would be a good idea to try and introduce a political candidate to people who are rushing to work on a Friday morning (or any morning for that matter)? Why don't they just have this lady knock at each of our doors early morning on Monday and blow trumpets in our ears and throw confetti in our faces?

Who appreciates this?

And moreover, who took the time to actually "meet" this woman and not have her shouting her name after you with a painfully fake smile as you whoosh past her hoping t catch the super subway? I wonder how many connections she felt she had made by mornings end. What a weird ass time to try and meet the people? In human rush hour.

Whoever you are, lady who is running for the PC vote, your campaign managers should be shot.

More-Cheese.

Yesterday, to my dismay, I lunged down to hard and fast and bruised the balls of my foot. (ha, I said balls). Seems that I always injure myself in this one specific gym class- dear universe, thanks for the message. 

Anyways, I say to my dismay because the last few days have been so nice and I would have loved to walk home yesterday afternoon from work. Instead, I got caught with The Cheese Man.

NEVER in life, have I smelled a person who reeked so badly. EVER.

This morning was garbage day in my hood and the smell of 2 week old, heated, rotting garbage juice smelled better to me than this guy. What must you do to smell so fucking bad I wonder?

I couldn't breath through my nose for fear of barfing- and the idea of breathing through my mouth and "tasting" that air made me want to barf too- just another time that I wish I had a non-breathing superpower.

And the guy looked normal enough despite wearing a full Modrobes outfit- pants and shirt combi- and as a side, where do they even make Modrobes anymore? Perhaps that his clothing was potentially 10 years old was the catalyst? 

But seriously, what do you have to do to smell like this guy. Maybe he bathes in garbage? But then again, I have worked in a soup kitchen and even the homeless men smell better- this was be-yond. 

So, as a general note to people, you should shower. If you sweat- you should shower more. Never should your abundant BO be so offensive that your co-subway riders actually lock eyes and nod in agreement about how fucking bad you smell the second you get off the subway and relieve our noses- because that happened, cheese man- we seriously all bonded over your stench.

Anyways- Dear Cheese Man, regarding your smell, gross. just gross.

So of course, having forgotten about him by this morning, I was actually happy to be subway bound again as I ran into a friend on my way down to the platform and had some company!

Short lived people, short lived.

Hey stupid bitch in cheap ugo shoes. When you literally smash your heel into my bare sandaled feet- would be kind of, sort of nice to say....sorry???

But that's ok, really, I was dying to have a swollen, cut and red foot. Not enough that I hurt myself 

yesterday- so good that you did that.

Look, you want to hobble around in your stupid patent pumps on the subway-fine, then hold the fucking poles and balance yourself so that you don't clobber people with your stupidity and shoes.

AND, moreover, if you do find yourself harming those around you- actually bothering to turn around and apologize would be prudent. It would make me wish, much less, that you would not break a heel of your shoe in a gutter- not much, but more.

And so again, Dear bitch, learn how to stand in your own ugly shoes or, do us all a favor and stop wearing them,

Sincerely, the world,

Can't wait to see what this afternoon will bring.....