Get.Out.

Sunday night, after a weekend of nonstop eating and drinking, I decided that what I needed was a good old fashion bucket of popcorn and a quiet night at the movies. It was only typical and expected that my movie going companions chose "Don't be Afraid of the Dark"- and if you read last 2 posts, you know how I felt about just the preview for that movie. Scared.

But I was intrigued and in the mood to be dark so I went along for the ride- only stopping to panic once we had finally sat down and the previews began- because, scary movies get scary previews and to me, depending on just how scary those previews are will dictate the movie you are about to see.

Anywho, scary was the name of the game.

So, the movie itself- and, as a side, I feel like I have written a lot about movies lately- are you bored?
Please understand that they are such a novelty to me that they stand out as shareable. Are they really? Maybe not- who really wants to read a review from a girl who sees about 4 movies per year and can't bear the thought of sitting still for 2 hours (and yes, I was checking my watch after about 30 minutes- and not for lack of enjoying the movie- just because I am insane).

But here you are reading away so here is my unwanted review.

The movie was good. The End. Just Kidding- not about the movie being good. It was.
So as far as horror movies go, this one was sufficiently scary lots of good creepy whispering etc.

However there were a lot of things that were either more funny than scary or just plain nonsensical.

The creatures who lived in the furnace and haunted the house were just kind of funny. In the preview, they are made to look horrifying- in the movie they are the size of Ken dolls with hunchbacks and tiny limbs. How can you be fiercely afraid of something that you can pick up and chuck against a wall? And, when they finally spoke in non- whispery voices, it was like, shut up creatures.

And, I'm sorry- why don't people ever get out of the fucking house?

Even when they came around and kind of believed the girl who was telling them all along that she was being stalked by creatures- they are like, well, we will deal with it after our dinner party. People, have you learned nothing from horrors of the past? LEAVE YOUR HOUSE or just don't be shocked and awed when you are terrorized.

Like, if your house is haunted, get out.

To me, if I were restoring an abandoned gothic mansion and my child told me that she was hearing her name called out from a creepy bolted in vent system in the furnace in a mysterious basement where someone had died and my mysterious gardener had warned me about creeping around in- I would just sell that shit and move the fuck out.

Please, if I lived in Thornhill Woods and my kid told me they were hearing creepy voices from the vent I would move out.

Moral of the story- if you have the slightest inclination that your home might be haunted- move out.
If you find a creepy basement room- move out.
If someone died a mysterious or horrible death in the home- don't even move in.

Haunted houses- always a bad idea to live in. Unless you are a ghost.

Why you should ALWAYS check under the bed....

Ok, so, I like horror movies. There is something particularly delicious about being frightened out of your skin. I love the way it makes me feel. Of course, I am particular about my genre of scary movie. On principle of it just being really stupid, I won't watch things like the Final Destinations, anything produced in 3D- if I wanted some cheese with my horror, I'd order nachos.

I also don't like movies about really crazy serial killers who target women- Pu-Leeze- I have enough of an active imagination about that kind of stuff- don't need any help thinking of new scenarios where I might die- thanks.
Anything with really demented families and or serial killers- like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre- eek
Anything with really scary kids
Anything where the scary things happen at night, to a normal family- or things under the bed- and yes, I still check there for monsters- judge me.


My favorite movies in this all encompassing genre are fantasy-ish ones (characters or scenarios that could NEVER happen- vampires- bring it.)
Biblical horror- lie, if the devil possesses you body- I am digging thats hit
Gypsy horror- like Thinner.... sppoookkkkyyyy
Supernatural horror- ghosts and zombies and shit
Humorous horror- like Drag me to Hell (intentionally funny) or the Friday series (just funny)
ANYTHING with predator in it
ANYTHING with Freddy Krueger

and I will go ahead and say that Zombie Apocalypse is my number one of these all.....

In addition to loving a good movie, I also freak out for a good haunted house. If you have clowns drooling blood in a creepy ass room with strobe lights- I love you.
So- nutshell- I am not a fraidy cat and like horror.

BUT- Yes, yes, preview that plays far too much for my liking on every fucking channel including HGTV which I like to fall asleep to- or liked to as now I have to resort to news or TSC....I am in fact afraid of the dark.

Why should there be such a frightening preview on TV at all times? How is one supposed to erase the memory of that creepy monster thing that they flash at the end from one's mind as to peacefully fall asleep? And that whispering- that creepy childlike whispering- the second time I saw that preview I obvi turned my head away only to realize that the sound of the preview is almost just as scary as the preview itself. Guillermo Del Toro. holy balls.

Ug, I just watched it again to refresh my memory- the combi of children and something that only attacks you in the night in the dark... I barf. AND, and, I just read the Wikipedea of it and the premise is not only do these monsters try and scare this little girl after hours- but also, no one believes her when she tries to tell on them- yet another huge fear of mine....

don_t_be_afraid_of_the_dark_19954.jpg
PLEASE OPEN THIS......


Good luck sleeping tonight suckers.....